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Has anyone not got divorced because they feared how awful the process would be?

(14 Posts)
crossroads3 Thu 20-Oct-16 06:49:13

I am sure that my H would make it hell for me. I am also scared that any or all of my dc may decide to live with him permanently.

It's the whole thing of having to live in the same house while the financials were being sorted out. Leaving it (especially if the 2 older dc decided they would rather stay with the WiFi, bedrooms and route to school that they know) would establish some kind of precedent that might mean that H got to stay put in the family home with them until the youngest is 18 which is another 8 years sad.

I am basically stuck between a rock and a hard place and have been for a long time sad.

crossroads3 Thu 20-Oct-16 06:51:39

Not to mention the fact that H is hardened, cynical, bitter (already divorced), extremely stubborn, somewhat irrational and bad tempered. It would be like going into battle with someone who was bound to win.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Thu 20-Oct-16 09:15:20

crossroads I delayed for a long time. Because I knew for me it would result in financial ruin, lack of maintenance support and that eventually he would stop contact with my DS and break his heart.

He sounds narcissistic, have you read the thread in relationships on coping with a narc ex? Might give you some ideas of the realities people face.

I'm doing it though, and some predictions have come true. However, there is no price on the freedom I have, in the end it's short term pain when I balance the rest of my life without him.

FV45 Thu 20-Oct-16 09:28:24

I delayed divorcing my EA husband for years. There is never a good time.
I'm just through it now (nearly 2 years of hell later) though he continues to abuse me using DS2 as a pawn.

BUT...it was without a doubt the right thing to do. The house is now MY HOME. Whatever the children do or wherever they live they deserve to have happier parents.

FoonaBaboona Thu 20-Oct-16 11:35:00

My EA exh told me if I divorced him for unreasonable behaviour he'd make my life hell so I sat out the 2 year separation instead, 2 1/2 years after I left him it was finalised.

Been divorced 4 years now so it was worth it.

crossroads3 Thu 20-Oct-16 12:49:30

Did you live with him during your separation Foona?

Thanks for your replies.

Feel bleak about it all and don't know what to do sad.

hermione2016 Thu 20-Oct-16 13:23:47

My h said he would unleash hell if I divorced him.He was initially refusing to move out but after 6 weeks he just decided he would.He leaves next week.

I think there is always a fear of that confrontation but ultimately if they know you are sticking to your guns they will move.
Are you working? I am but my income is low and therefore unable to rent by myself.H can rent so it becomes the obvious route.
Typically if he gets a solicitor they tend to advise on being less hostile so some message eventually goes in.

I am nearly 2 months in from agreeing separation but living together.Ive found a way to cope, no finance discussions at home, I go to my room as soon as children are in bed and I find stuff to do outside of the house at weekends.

Being in a bad relationship lowers your confidence so it's natural to feel the fear.My friend is in a really horrible relationship and is reading "feel the fear and do it" to bolster her confidence.

Have you confided in family and friends?

isseywithcats Thu 20-Oct-16 15:41:30

5 years down the line i still havent divorced my cheating ex husband mainly because i cant afford the £500 court fees as i only work part time and my new partner 11 years later hasnt divorced his ex wife as she lives in the house they shared and its going to cost him a fortune with a solicitor to get her to sell the house which she has lived in for 11 years mortgage free and no not because theres young kids in the house they have one grown up lives away from home daughter its a mess basically, hes too old to get another mortgage (61) and paying out for rent is so draining if he could get her to sell both could buy small houses each for cash

babushka2012 Thu 20-Oct-16 15:50:20

Sadly, divorce is utter hell. I still loved my ex 5 months ago after 20 years of marriage and then he turned into an utter psycho (complete character change!). He hurt me so badly, i retaliated and cannot believe how spiteful, bitter, rude and hurtful we have both become. It's makes Eastenders look like Disneyland !
I've spent any money I had on lawyers. Have lost 3 stone. Friends have backed off as they are clearly bored by my divorce talk, and every waking second is spent agonising over the future, the children and money.... not to mention being in a constant worried state about what is going to hit my inbox or text messages that day!
I'd never have got married had I known how hard it would be to get out of it !

crossroads3 Thu 20-Oct-16 16:09:24

Sorry for you both babushka and issey. I hope things improve for you both.

I knew I was feeling scared for a reason sad.

It seems bonkers issey that your partner's ex won't sell the house which could help them both out sad.

PurpleWithRed Thu 20-Oct-16 16:16:22

Yup. And the process was crap but soooooo worth it. A bit like childbirth, painful and messy but doesn't last that long compared to the end result.

Astonishingly xdh popped in for tea today uninvited and genuinely with no agenda. So he seems to have got over it.

NickiFury Thu 20-Oct-16 16:24:56

Yes - 8 years separated and still not divorced. Just starting now though. He's an abusive pain in the arse and in and out of the country with no permanent address and very oppositional anyway. He said he'd do it but then "lost" the marriage certificate. Sent for another and "lost" that too. I know he doesn't want to be married to me, it's all about control with him.

crossroads3 Thu 20-Oct-16 20:47:45

I am too scared to do anything. Separate or get divorced.

Afterthestorm Thu 20-Oct-16 21:16:59

Issey, you do know that you are exempt from paying the court fees if you are on a lowish income and don't have much savings? I have just done it and got £380 back. You can apply at the time if within 3 months if paying it. You can apply online.

Also, you can do a lot of the form filling yourself to save on solicitors fees, I am taking it slowly so that any fees I am incurring I am paying as I go along. Hood this helps someone.

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