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Shall I tell my friend the real reason why I left her 40th b'day party early?

(65 Posts)
Tinytilly Wed 19-Oct-16 19:21:36

She's more than once expressed her disappointment that I only stayed an hour and a half and left before it even got going. I made a crappy excuse that my dh was locked out and that I had to go home to let him in & that I'd return later....only I didn't. The lie was all I could think up on the spot. I didn't want to spoil her happy time and make a scene. There were only 9 of us there at the time I left. Here's what really happened:

Myself, birthday girl (bg) and three others (one of whom has alcohol issues) got a cab to the West End. Bg had hired a bar and was expecting around 80 to turn up. We arrived at 8.30 and were joined by 4 others. The night was young but the party was quiet-ish with only 9 of us there at the start. We all sat around a table chatting and laughing but bg ended up moving to the bar as new people arrived with gifts etc. So I'm sitting with 4 others, to my right is bg's boss from work, to my left is our mutual friend who proceeds to break the Guiness Book of Records for getting totally & utterly arseholed. It wasn't pleasant. Anyway, me & the boss are sharing a banquette but are both leaning into the table we're all sat at. Suddenly I quite definately feel a thumb graze my buttock. I jumped slightly, my spidee senses on alert, looked her boss in the eye but he gives nothing away and I put it down to pure accident....Then it happens again, but more deliberate this time. I felt really uncomfortable because there was no flirting going on and we were all in converation together. The 3rd time it happened, I wanted to grab the offending hand and tug it into the air and say 'Whose hand is this touching up my bottom?' I was really angry but also intimidated. I was badly sexually abused when I was younger and I lack the self-esteem to shout out. I decided I'd had enough, between the toucher-upper and Mrs completely-piefaced I was having a miserable time, I was really stressed. There were only about 16 people there when I got up to leave and it would have soured the atmosphere if I'd said anything, never mind making things uncomfortable for my friend at work. So I'm ashamed to say I got up and told her I had to leave as my dh was locked out but that I hoped she has a lovely evening. She pressed me to not be too long and would wait for me to return to cut her cake. I felt awful knowing I wasn't returning but I couldn't get out of there fast enough. The bg complained to me the next day that so few people turned up and she wanted to know why I didn't return. (I had hoped she'd be partying so hard she wouldn't notice), I then lied further and said my dh had had to attend to his elderly dm and so I was left with the young dc & couldn't return. I hate myself for lying and not having the balls to confront that man but in the moment I didn't know what else to do. In the end, only about 35 people turned up, she's still a bit pissed with me, shall I tell her?

gettingitwrongputtingitright Wed 19-Oct-16 19:30:08

Yes tell her. Why wouldn't you?confused

Naicehamshop Wed 19-Oct-16 19:30:23

Yes. Why not? Why should you protect him?

Tinytilly Wed 19-Oct-16 19:31:00

Because it was her boss from work who was touching me up!

benbry Wed 19-Oct-16 19:31:00

I'd tell her, why not? If she's going to be annoyed I'd rather it was with her boss.

ForalltheSaints Wed 19-Oct-16 19:31:22

Perhaps tell her in a few days time in a quiet place.

benbry Wed 19-Oct-16 19:33:15

She knows you're just making excuses.

"Tell the truth and shame the devil" a very apt old saying in this case.

CocktailQueen Wed 19-Oct-16 19:33:24

Yes, tell her! Much better that she knows the truth than thinks you've fallen out with her for some reason.

Bringmewineandcake Wed 19-Oct-16 19:33:38

I would. I think you had other options e.g. Call him out on it, move away and talk to other people, telling her there and then that her boss was touching you. You lied (understandably when you're uncomfortable) and since told another crappier lie. She almost certainly knows you're lying about both elements and would prefer you just to be honest.

Mummyamy123 Wed 19-Oct-16 19:34:53

Tell her 100%
She's probably aware you're lying and is wondering why.
Send her a screenshot of what you typed up there!!

Lilaclily Wed 19-Oct-16 19:35:16

I'd tell her too, it doesn't matter that it was her boss does it? Doesn't she deserve to know who she's working for?

Mysecretgarden Wed 19-Oct-16 19:35:44

Well actually I feel you have a duty to tell her. He might have something much worse in stock for her.

benbry Wed 19-Oct-16 19:36:21

Not sure why him being her boss is a problem, she needs warning anyway.

CurlsLDN Wed 19-Oct-16 19:36:58

I don't get why it matters that it was her boss? It's not like it was her partner, it's a person she has been thrown together with in life through work. Why would that stop you telling her?

ProjectGainsborough Wed 19-Oct-16 19:37:06

I know it can be uncomfortable to address this kind of thing when you suffered a previous trauma. I've been there. But you did nothing wrong. You gracefully excused yourself from an intolerable situation. I think you should tell her flowers

Tinytilly Wed 19-Oct-16 19:37:46

She's quite a feisty person. I'd hate for her to confront her boss. I can just guess he'd go 'No I never! Your friend's mad' sad

legotits Wed 19-Oct-16 19:39:07

Aye Benbry I agree.

Don't let him leave you to take flack because he is a scummy prick.

Not saying make an issue but I bet when you tell her she will be cross too.

Tinytilly Wed 19-Oct-16 19:39:31

I'm now beginning to wish I had said something at the time. I just didn't feel able. I'd hate for her to have a nasty atmosphere at work.

f83mx Wed 19-Oct-16 19:39:33

If it was her husband/partner or friend i can see how things could be complicated in telling (although my advice would be probably still should) but this is her boss who sounds like a sleeze, its the genuine reason why you left the party so why wouldn't you say?

HanYOLO Wed 19-Oct-16 19:44:09

Tell her

But you should have told him to stop it in No Uncertain Terms

Mysecretgarden Wed 19-Oct-16 19:46:38

hanYOLO that is a bit judgemental. You are not in OP's shoes and she did the best she could at the time.

legotits Wed 19-Oct-16 19:46:51

Get her round/go round to hers.

Say this:-
Hiya 'BG' soz I had to do a runner at your party.
Your boss is a knob head is he like that at work?

Gauge reaction from her reply.

If it doesn't go down well you can say he bored you to tears.

f83mx Wed 19-Oct-16 19:48:08

BTW i totally get not being able to say something at the time - its the 'freeze and run' response - totally natural for lots of people. Also its unlikely your friend will say something to her boss, well she might i don't know, so no guilty feelings about atmosphere at work - you need to make sure she knows you didn't ditch her party.

Mysecretgarden Wed 19-Oct-16 19:48:52

lego why lie? Her friend needs to know the danger

Olddear Wed 19-Oct-16 19:51:38

Well, let her say something to him! You're never going to have see him again, are you?

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