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Casual sex - can I? Or would I get irrationally jealous!

(28 Posts)
wonderstuff100 Wed 19-Oct-16 18:59:38

Long story short, I've been single for a little over two years, had a good few dates from OLD, tries meet up groups, nothing has come of it. Could either be cos I haven't met anyone I have clicked with or just don't want a relationship.

What I do need, though, is sex. I have quite a high sex drive and 3 times a year just isn't cutting it! However, I'm also not in a position where I couldm or want to, bring a random guy back home when I go out.

So, out of a couple of the guys I went on dates with, I know I could have some sort of casual sex relationship with, they have inferred as much. Which would be fine. However, I have a funny feeling that even if I wasn't interested in dating them and it was just for sex, if they went out on other dates, I'd get jealous. So I feel a bit stuck....

I'd be up for a **buddy but my personality tells me I'd end up feeling irrationally jealous and begin to feel shit about myself. On the other hand, having slept with a guy in July who I was seeing, made me realise that actually I could have sex with him, then not really want him around, so maybe I could do it....

My heads all over the place. Anyone got any experience of this?!

Mysecretgarden Wed 19-Oct-16 19:02:42

Well women do get emotionally attached in some way.
What do you feel would trigger your jealousy?

wonderstuff100 Wed 19-Oct-16 19:04:49

I don't know, I've had one night stands in the past, pre-DS and they were fine. But I feel now, to have sex with someone, I'd want to know a bit about them. I'd be letting them into my house in the first place so I'd want to feel I know them a bit.

I am very competitive by nature so if they were sleeping with me, I'd want to be the only person they were sleeping with! Which sounds a tad unreasonable.

Myusernameismyusername Wed 19-Oct-16 19:05:02

Yes and It wasn't for me. I got very involved with them emotionally and then hurt, or just felt used and abused (like a free prostitute!) or I realised I didn't really like them very much physically or personality wise and then would feel all grubby about it.

I don't have any nice FWB tales to tell. None of them fell in love with me but there were not the same boundaries as there are in a real relationship so the feeling used feeling was just really soul destroying. I knew I was supposed to be using them too but it just didn't feel that way. It made me feel like I wasn't a good person or worthy of any real love and affection.

I have issues with this anyway. Not jealousy - I'm never jealous but feeling like an object.
In fact I purposefully got fat as a psychological barrier against men fancying me because being skinny and sexy made me feel worse about myself (again, object)

TheoriginalLEM Wed 19-Oct-16 19:05:29

i think its quite hard to separate sex from emotions. Its those fecking hormones.

i had a fuck buddy many years ago. i liked him alot but i did feel sad we weren't together. He was much older than me though.

Its pretty soul destroying long term tbh

Myusernameismyusername Wed 19-Oct-16 19:07:43

One guy was perfectly nice but I ended up feeling like an escort. He would buy a massive takeaway and booze every weekend and try tempt me over at 9pm. Then one film them expect sex. I tried to enjoy it but I never really did

Myusernameismyusername Wed 19-Oct-16 19:09:16

Another one was very fun and good in bed but he would make arrangements and I would stay in waiting for him, all dolled up and he would be sometimes up to 2 hours late then want me to stay awake all night having sex then he would leave before the sun came up

Mysecretgarden Wed 19-Oct-16 19:09:46

Get a good vibrator or dildo and ditch them!
Maybe learning to feel more confident about yourself and understanding more your feelings around jealousy would actually help more. Counselling can be helpful for this.

wonderstuff100 Wed 19-Oct-16 19:17:08

Yes,I think you're right. The people I would be having sex with I probably wouldn't feel massively attracted to physically or emotionally,they'd just be fulfilling a need. And I think I would feel pretty used afterwards.

I have three vibrators already! So I'm good there! But I am on holiday without them,which never helps!

Myusernameismyusername Wed 19-Oct-16 19:26:41

It ends up being counter productive because they fill a need then leave a giant hole of despair confusedgrin

wonderstuff100 Wed 19-Oct-16 19:36:22

Ha,good point. Ok point taken. Vibrators and good dating sites for people who I actually fancy and want to meet!

category12 Wed 19-Oct-16 19:42:40

Well, try it - what's the worst that can happen? You're aware of the potential pitfalls, if it does make you feel shit, well, you stop and don't do it again. We get over feeling a bit shit. It might be lots of fun.

PoldarksBreeches Wed 19-Oct-16 19:51:42

I don't understand this thread really
You've met guys that you didn't click with and wouldn't want a relationship with, but who would be up for a casual sexual relationship. You want sex. But somehow if you had a casual sex relationship with any of them you would somehow feel used and start getting jealous?
I fail to see how you would be being used in a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship with a man you don't want a relationship with confused are you so enthralled to hormones/emotion that sex would make you think you wanted a relationship with a man when you know you don't?

NewStartNow Wed 19-Oct-16 21:59:55

I'm glad you posted this Wonderstuff100 as I'm feeling similar.

I'm wondering if it's the need to be "first" with someone, i.e their first choice (even if you don't want to date them), rather than jealousy as such. I have a male friend who could be a fwb but I think, like you, I'd think I'd feel a bit rubbish afterwards.

RestlessTraveller Wed 19-Oct-16 23:25:49

You really aren't up for a fuck buddy if you can't say the word fuck!

As for women not being able to have sex without any emotion involved, well that's a crock of shit fed to you by Sex and the City and other such tripe. SOME women can't have sex without emotion, the same way SOME men can't. I always managed it and it worked for me.

LellyMcKelly Thu 20-Oct-16 01:01:48

I thought I could, but couldn't. I did OLD and I met some really nice men, but although at the time I felt it was just for fun, I realised that I wanted someone who was 'worthy' of my time and energy. I didn't want a man who saw me as a shag, or expendable, or anything less than someone he was mad about. So I held out, and met someone great, someone who was funny and smart and was hung like a donkey and knew how to use it kind and affectionate. Don't waste your time looking for second best. Use it to explore the opportunities available to you.

ladyformation Thu 20-Oct-16 11:22:29

Just as many women on MN can't imagine wanting casual sex, I can't imagine not wanting it (when single, obviously) wink It's completely what works for you as an individual. I'd give it a bash, TBH. You won't know unless you try - and I for one would feel worse about thrice yearly sex than I would about one rubbish ONS.

pocketsaviour Thu 20-Oct-16 11:29:25

I agree with Restless. The dominant narrative is that men like no-strings sex and women don't, but it's really not a black and white issue.

I've had a lot of FWB relationships and have never ended up feeling hurt or used. But it's not for everyone, and I think you need to try it and see what happens.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 20-Oct-16 11:48:59

I think OP already knew how she may feel, she's already concerned about it but I agree you should try it first as you literally don't know.

Me personally I do not have an overwhelming urge for sex, I have an urge for affection and you should know the really clear line betweem the 2.

You cannot get affection from FWB sex that is the fulfilling kind, it is sex. The sex is satisfying (if good!) but it will not serve to make you feel good about yourself. Just make sure you know the line between them and don't confuse them.

It doesn't mean I don't get turned on or don't want sex but I recognise in myself that I cannot replace the affection I prefer with the sex.

Also I don't like the not knowing if it will be any good anyway and having to endure bad sex grin

Saying that if I knew it would be good and he was a nice bloke I can't say I would never do it again, I do get urges I just tend to veer away from it due to the soul destroying - and that's just me, my issues.

It's perfectly healthy to want, need, desire and go get sex please don't think that I am saying it's not - it just wasn't a good experience for me no matter how hard I tried!

AutumnalLeaf Thu 20-Oct-16 11:56:56

You need to realise that it is NORMAL and BIOLOGICALLY DESIGNED for humans to bond after repeated sex with the same person. This applies to men too as well as women - but supposedly worse for women because of higher levels of oxytocin after sex.

SO this means the starting point is you will be fighting against nature - fighting against what is actually supposed to happen and what you body and hormones is trying to get you to do and feel.

Very often (not suprisingly) this is a losing battle.

I wouldn't bother. Wait for a bf you really like. Why put yourself in a position to cause yourself angst and emotional pain that you don't need and are choosing voluntarily? Makes no sense.

LesisMiserable Thu 20-Oct-16 14:26:15

The trick is to find a man you fancy but you know from the outset you could never trust and therefore never have a relationship with and just have sex with him.

category12 Thu 20-Oct-16 14:37:17

Or alternatively, someone you like and can trust but just want to have sex with. I mean there's a buddy part to the fuckbuddy - there's a friend attached to the benefits.

Just be clear with yourself (and him) what it is you want out of it, and police your own boundaries. If you start get tangled up and upset, then back off and stop. And if he starts confusing things, then back off and stop.

0phelia Thu 20-Oct-16 14:37:30

Why don't you try a male escort? Some of them can be hot and most like a chat before make up your mind.

LesisMiserable Thu 20-Oct-16 15:44:49

Nobody said anything about not liking the guy.

category12 Thu 20-Oct-16 15:53:58

Sorry, I don't usually like people I can't trust, my bad.

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