Relationship after baby

[Famalam13]

DS is 8.5 months and I haven't found it easy. Baby stage is so boring and restrictive. Things are improving there though. The issue is with my relationship with DH.

He is amazing. Really loving and caring, hands on with DS etc. He really cares about me and organises treats like spa days with my friends etc as he knows I struggle. I couldn't ask for a better person to be with.

The issue is with me and the fact that I don't feel any connection anymore. I just feel numb about it all.

I do feel as though I have lost my identity being on mat leave, my whole life if about DS so have nothing to talk to DH about. I am going back to work on Monday part time so hopefully that will help.

We have found a baby sitter now and plan to go out as a couple every fortnight or so. Is there anything else we can do to bring back the spark?

I really really want to make this work because he is such a good man.

[Mysecretgarden]

There is no obligation for you to have a life revolving around your DS. Yes he is important but you can also do other things, like work.
You will exist as your own self and not just Ds's mum.

[Famalam13]

Yes I am very much hoping that work improves things garden, really looking forward to going back on Monday :)

I think the first few months have been so difficult because babies are so all consuming to begin with. Also we have no friends or family in the area so it has been compounded by loneliness.

I am just wondering what other parents do to keep their relationships strong?

[CeCeBloomer]

Work really helps! I am about to go on mat leave no 2 and am really scared about losing my identity again. Your husband sounds lovely, give it a few weeks and you will feel like a new person again

[Famalam13]

Good to know it does have a positive effect and isn't just wishful thinking on my part CeCe :) I used to complain about work, didn't realise how important it actually is to me. Will be lovely to be famalam again and not DS' mum!

[Famalam13]

'Not just' that should say obviously I will still be his mum!

[PushingThru]

Definitely reassess this when you've been back to work & back to normal for a bit. He sounds like a supportive & loving partner to me!

[Famalam13]

He really is Pushing so I feel so bad that I feel so little for him at the mo.

[GiveMyHeadPeaceffs]

Bloody hell, work restored my sanity after ds was born! Other adults to talk to, a hot cuppa, peace to go to the loo and not sharing at least one meal a day to name but a few things. It wasn't until ds was about a year old that I started to actually feel like me again. It'll come back, OP, honestly.

[DocMcFanjo]

I found while on mat leave that I was so consumed by being DD's mum that I almost couldn't imagine myself as a partner in a relationship.

It's hard to explain but I think I felt so "maternal" that there was no room in my new identity for libido or being a wife/ partner. I just couldn't go there. It felt like I was weirdly dishonouring her by even thinking of it. (Analyse that!)

I went back to work when she was 4 months and it really changed things. Suddenly I was me again as well as a mum. Maybe wearing nice suits and having to "make an effort" on my appearance actually made me think of myself as a physical being again rather than this saintly maternal archetype!

Whatever it was it kick started things again and DH and I became closer than ever- though with this wonderful new shared dimension of parenthood and being our DD's two most devoted fans.

Give it time. It's a huge re-frame of who you are and it'll shift again when you go back to work and feel like an adult individual again.

[Strawberry90]

It's so normal to have a rubbish relationship after a baby. Basically the whole first year you are focused on someone other than your partner and there's so many changes to your life, body, hormones, family, social standing etc.
My best advice is try not to worry as baby gets easier things with your OH will get better. Some babies are easier than others but around 12-18 months you'll suddenly find your life looking more like your life again. Until then just do what you can to keep a connection with your partner - watch movies in the eve, start a new box set to watch together and talk about, buy him little gifts if you go walking round town, try and get on a date alone, and touch (cuddles etc) if you don't fancy sex (also totally normal!). You'll get there!

[m33r]

docmcfanjo said everything I would say. I couldn't find any libido (and I really tried and my DH was so patient) then I suited up; used my brain again; got things 'right' at work; had stuff to say to DH; love love love coming home to my baby; love love love time with my DH. We had to work a bit at getting things 'normal' but not too much - just getting back into habits. It'll all be brilliant! Good luck on Monday. The first few days / weeks are hard til you get your groove xxx

[m33r]

Also what strawverry said! Sorry, not just repeating what people say - just trying to show its so normal and not just a couple of people who get like this xx

[Famalam13]

Thanks for the reassurance everyone :) put my phone away and snuggled with DH while watching Bake Off last night which was lovely.

[Lady16bug]

This advice has meant a lot to me! And given me hope! Simple and sensible. LO is 10 months and things have been hard at times but I have a very caring husband. I just wish we didn't have hormones!!