(I think) Narc mil sending weird emails- tricky situation, opinions/help please

[redmumbec]

My mil has sent my husband this email this morning- Dear

I was just thinking about you, of your birth, of our first day together, of your adorable smile as a baby and toddler, and you, you as a sweet fun loving boy, performing magic tricks, and out playing with your friends, but how your young sorrows began in earnest when you "passed" to Grammar, but everyone you knew from (primary) went to (local comp) , and you felt abandoned and alone, and may not have known how much I always loved you.

On my way to work, I drove you to school every day, when you started at (grammar). Your unhappiness then was palpable. Your teachers saw the forlorn child too, a transfer to (local comp) was discussed with them, but you got involved with your Grammar football team and seemed to become happier and more settled. You juggled with the multiple realities of the world of the Grammar and its expectations, and life on the(estate). You may not have known how much I always loved you.

One thing is sure. We make our own reality by the thoughts we choose to think.
We can understand, see the other side, feel their hurt too, forgive, forget, start again, on an open page, a new chapter, or stay locked in blame and pain.

Over the years I gave up hoping you might call, that the figure in the distance coming towards me might be you
I may have dreamed or imagined all the times I think I saw you but I always have and always will love you.

from Mum


I can't go in to it all as its too complicated, but we live with father in law at the moment, because we have debt problems, trying to sort them out with the help of a debt management plan. Mil and Fil separated years ago. My husband has been very unhappy with his mums behaviour for years, intrusive, manipulative, attention seeking, destructive, cruel. There have been lots ( to many to note) examples of this selfish, erratic behaviour, spoiling our days off, birthdays, christmas, when our son was born)

So this email came you of the blue this morning, she has been on holiday, she hasn't rang to ask about or to see the kids. I find it hard to get her to understand our boundaries anyway, but now we live with Fil it just seems like I have no safe space. She's not round all the time or anything but she just turns up, she very unpredictable, you can tell when she wants attention or confrontation. My partner has a lot of the same traits as his mother, i feel i have been emotionally abused by him over the years. So really i just feel powerless an stuck in the thick of it all. Fil will always defend Mil, she has her people around her who listen to all her sad stories about her rotten son and how he won't let her see our kids(not true). We have three kids.

I just want to know how to handle this and share it with someone who understands these issues, we don't know anyone round here, so no friends, my mum is far. Thanks

[GinIsIn]

Personally I would ignore it completely. Or just reply saying "well this is all very 'this is your life', but there are two sides to every relationship. I think we have different expectations."

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do not respond to this e-mail from your MIL. Delete it and block all means of her being able to contact you.

What do you do when she turns up at her ex H's house?.

Do you want to stay with your H?.

Any chance of being able to move away in the near future?.

[redmumbec]

Thanks, its like ignoring causes stress as well doesn't it? the effort to ignore. I am not very good at confrontation or letting things go/lie.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Radio silence from you is necessary.

It is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist and that e-mail is all about her. There is no fulsome or heartfelt apology in that at all.

You are bit part players to her being in the centre of her own universe.

[redmumbec]

Hi Attilla, I really hope we can move soon, we pay a lot to a debt management plan its a set payment a month which is quite high, they take into account your expenses and spare money and thats what we can afford according to them.

I dont know with my husband, its been bad for ages I just handle it better sometimes, I think when my kids are a bit bigger I will think about separating. I just hope I can keep whatever scraps of decency and self- worth I have left.

She rings sometimes to say she's on her way, I don't stop her from coming round, I just like the feeling off being able to chill out, which I can't as she's very good at getting her own way. She pushed and pushed about taking my daughter to test out a new mattress she was buying her as a gift, I really wanted the last day of the holidays with her myself, but it was imperative she tries this mattress out. So she took her, was gone quite a while, orders one, great, then rings up the next day to say she's cancelled it as she's seen a better one in John Lewis. So it was all about getting us to dance along to her tune. My father in law backs Mother run law up as well, criticises us for the way we treat MIL.

My little boy was in hospital ( he's in regularly in winter) he said he's rang MIL as no one else was going bother to let her know. That in particular has been whizzing around my head, how could he use my son because ill as an opportunity to criticise us and curry favour with her.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Move away, far far away.
If you can not physically detach then you need to emotionally detach as much as possible. Your dh as well (especially). Stop caring what she thinks. The letter is just a piece if junk mail, for example.

You need to set your boundaries regarding your dh and make it very clear that you won't put up with this crap from him.