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Feeling worthless :(

(15 Posts)
buzziebee99 Wed 19-Oct-16 09:19:38

I feel so low worthless and alone atm I dont know what to do, I am a stay at home mum to 4 children aged 2,3,7,9 and a partner who has his own business which is thriving, we get on ok but sometimes he shouts and makes me feel worthless, that he pays for everything and works hard and I do nothing, that I have an easy life.He says he cant put up with my negative attitude that I go around in circles but I cant talk to him as he gets angry. I want to work but the only job I could do would be a bar work in the evenings but he says if I do that we are over as we would never see each other so I am stuck in this pointless life. I have no purpose in life just to be a maid pretty much cook clean school runs! ive lost who I am, I have no friends I have to confidence I have no skills I just am a waste of space pretty much. I really dont know what to, while he is growing in success im drowning in depression sad

Purplebluebird Wed 19-Oct-16 09:22:55

Please go see your GP for some help. Could you do some training for a job? If you could do say 1 evening per week (surely your other half would accept that) at a local college, so that you can get a job? Shop jobs are also an alternative if you don't have much education. You are not a waste of space, you just haven't blossomed yet flowers

clumsyduck Wed 19-Oct-16 09:25:58

So he can work all day while you look after the kids but if you got a job it would be over because you'd never see each other ?! Maybe he should work less then which would allow your the free time to work . Seriously I think getting a job and some financial independence will be the best thing for you. For your self esteem and confidence and the money will come in handy when you decide to leave this controlling prick one day.
Hate men like this he is holding you back op

tallwivglasses Wed 19-Oct-16 09:42:20

Jeez you have 4 dc and you say you have no skills? I struggled with two! This husband of yours is eating away at your self-esteem. I bet he couldn't do your job.

RiceCrispieTreats Wed 19-Oct-16 09:54:39

You aren't worthless!

Your children are all alive, fed, dressed, generally thriving? That's your doing!

It sounds like you'd like to do some paid work outside the house, too. I think that's a fantastic idea, as it will help confirm to you that there is plenty you can do.

I think your partner is just scared of caring for the children while you're at work in the evenings. (Which kind of proves just how important and difficult what you do while he's at work is. And he can't have it both ways: complain that you have it easy since you do no paid work outside the home, but then block you from doing any paid work.)

I'd suggest you go for the bar job. Maybe he'll have a bit more respect for the actual work involved in child-rearing once he does a bit of it himself in the evenings.

Happybunny19 Wed 19-Oct-16 10:03:49

RiceCrispieTreats is spot on, he's too afraid that he won't be able to cope looking after the children to let you go out to work in the evenings. That shows you it's you that's essential to the household and he knows it. Don't let him bully you op, stick up for yourself. If you can care for four dcs that young you are as far from useless as it's possible to be. Maybe seek help for your depression that's affecting your sense of worth and get on a training course at your local college. You will find even the simplest course picks up your self esteem and you'll socialize with adults too, which will do you the world of good.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 19-Oct-16 10:42:02

Go get that evening bar job.
It will really help with your confidence and making friends.
It's a fantastic way to meet people.
So it would be over with him.
So what???
You need to put yourself first here.
You will not improve anything staying as you are.
Get that job, enjoy it and he can get to fuck!

loveyoutothemoon Wed 19-Oct-16 10:47:51

You do nothing and you have an easy life? How infuriating! He has obviously not experienced what you do with your children. What an arsewipe. How long has he been saying this? Once would be enough for me.

Get some socialising done with your youngest two, gain some confidence and then ditch him.

PoisonousSmurf Wed 19-Oct-16 10:53:12

Go away for a week and let him sort it out! He'll soon realize how much work you do!

BantyCustards Wed 19-Oct-16 10:53:54

He's controlling you. I had the same: was told a part time job would be pointless as my wages would be swallowed by childcare (because he wasn't going to pay it). He refused to change his job/hours so we could juggle childcare. He had me right where he wanted me - vulnerable to his whims. I asked him to let me start an OU course, got told 'yes' but then later that we couldn't afford it.

Tell him to stuff off, go get that job or better still go to night school. He can look after the kids.

PoisonousSmurf Wed 19-Oct-16 10:58:55

Men are only like this because women let them. If he ever retaliates for you standing up for yourself, then leave!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 19-Oct-16 11:07:07

So he lashes out at you verbally when you are doing everything on a daily basis to raise the children so he isn't inconvenienced or limited. If he is worried that financial responsibility for you and the DCs all rests on his shoulders why can't he express that to you quietly without making you feel a burden. It is mean to find fault without any two-way discussion or useful suggestions.

Coming up to Christmas there will be more demand for extra staff in retail and bar work. See what's available. It wouldn't have to be every evening.

Your two youngest are only 2 and 3. Things will be easier time-wise when your youngest starts school though obviously there are still school holidays to think of. Until then you are saving money by not getting paid childcare. He must be a bit thick if he doesn't realise that. If he would prefer to pay out for a nanny or nursery then you will be able to work or train for something.

Gymnopedies Wed 19-Oct-16 11:20:20

You are doing an enormous amount of work. Cooking, washing, etc for 6 persons! 4 of them being dependant on you.
He is an idiot. Personally I would stop doing anything for him, show an estimate of nursery bill (about 50 quids per day per kid generally) plus after school clubs, school dinner, etc.., that's a low ball park number of how much you are saving him with your very hard work! There are his kids too, if you decided to leave him he would have to take care of them 50% of the time.

mamakena Wed 19-Oct-16 14:39:44

+1 to above. Being a mum is a wonderful and honorable vocation. Your problem is your idiot DP. It will get better after the tots start school.

Can you look into a weekend job if he's home? that would give him a chance to 'do nothing' with the kids as you do all week and see how he likes it.

RedPaint37 Wed 19-Oct-16 15:05:12

i wouldn't stand to be told i couldn't do something perfectly reasonable by my DH. I don't think he'd stand for me doing that to him either. You're adults, he needs to take some responsibility. Figure out what you'd like to do, stop asking him and tell him what you are going to do. My mum was a SAHP to 4 children, and she never ever got back out to work, it has eroded her lifetime sense of self-worth, she's a lovely person and one of the most caring people you'd ever meet, she should've fought harder to find a way back to an independent life outside the house.

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