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DD's relationship with ex

(8 Posts)
gretagoodhouse Tue 18-Oct-16 23:11:39

Hi, I received some really great advice here the other day, which I was really grateful for. Sorry, I can't find my other thread but I thought I'd follow it up and see if I can get some more opinions.

I'd basically reached the end of my tether with my ex and his increasing hostility towards me. I was advised to seek legal advice and I did. I had a couple of appointments and both were really positive, but the second solicitor seemed really really great so she is going to start my divorce off. I'm not doing anything legally in regards to contact time between him and DD currently, she advised me to do it myself and be firm to begin with and see what happens for the time being.

She seemed particularly interested in the way my Ex is with DD and says some of his interactions with DD that I relayed to her seem inappropriate and although it's not something there's masses of evidence on, it's something I should look out for.

It got me thinking and obviously, some things, as per my last post, have concerned me a lot lately anyway. Plus, I suppose if he was emotionally abusive to me, he may be to her in the future too?

I don't want to start looking for things to work in my favour. I'll be as factual as I can, but I would be grateful if people could tell me if they would be concerned or if I am looking for things that aren't there.

As said in the last post, he often says he is depressed and has said in the past he will end it all when she is more independent because currently she is his one source of happiness. She spends one weekend day/night with him, one night after school and one afternoon after school until 6pm. They never see anyone else apart from occasionally his parents. They do go out and do things and they have fun but most of it is spent just the two of them, in his flat which is pretty horrible. I guess I've always felt it's very isolated.

She's very defensive of him. I make a point to never criticise him to her, but there have been a couple of times when he has come up in conversation eg. when he still hadn't bought her a duvet so she could sleep in a warm bed "he's very busy you know" and when I said we would have to make sure we got her nice dress back of daddy so she could wear it to a party "he always returns my things even though you say he doesn't" (I do say that but only to him)

She has said a few times she and daddy tell each other everything but she doesn't tell me everything.

When he was relaying a road-rage incident to me which occurred while she was in the car, he said things to her like: "what did the nasty man say to daddy, can you remember?"

I recently found out he told her we are still married and showed her our wedding pictures, which confused her. I'd never thought to discuss the whole "separated but still legally married and not yet divorced" thing with a five year old. I'd kept it simple and said daddy and I used to be married. She was really upset with me for lying.

When she comes home from her dad's she is always a little harder to handle and generally more sensitive and less cuddly. Sometimes, if there is a couple of days gap between seeing him, it feels so lovely and relaxed after the first little hurdle and when it comes to going to his, she doesn't want to, but is then a little difficult when she returns.

Little fun spoiling things like he's told her he doesn't believe in fairies and not to cross her fingers because it's not true, and when she was really excited about a hairdressers appointment because she really wanted a fringe but came back from daddy's saying she didn't want one afterall as it wouldn't look very nice.

She knows not to mention my partner's name to her dad. My partner loves her and is very patient with her. She has a bit of a push pull thing with him, they'll get pretty close and then she'll go off him for a bit and so on.

This is the one I like the least: She will never say sorry for anything at home, she would rather be sent to bed. I think X makes her say it a lot and she does say it to him. I got angry with him when she was about 2 as I saw him hold her by the arm until she said it, when it wasn't really needed in the first place. Recently, she was a bit cheeky to him while he was dropping her off. He told her off and then made her say sorry to him, which she did. It didn't feel right to me, maybe because it's him? Can you complain about your child being made to apologise for being cheeky? It's hardly 'abusive' on the face of it is it, but it just struck a chord because I know what he's like and it felt like a bit of a power thing.

Anyway, that's it for now I suppose. I read all these things about the father/daughter relationship being so important, but is that ALL father/daughter relationships?

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 18-Oct-16 23:33:44

Hey op

From what you have written

It doesn't sound like his interactions with her on an emotional level are age appropriate
If I raised my eyebrows any further they would be wrapped around my light fitting

Also if she were in front of me and over a couple of weeks, some of these interactions came to light
I'de be thinking about some sort of social services involvement, re the home environment and over emotional reliance on her from the Dad. This sort of behaviour from him can be damaging to her, his suicide talk alone would,cause me to not let her go there.

He sounds unstable and that's me being generous, but hear say doesn't go down well with courts, you need to collect evidence and have the appropriate agencies involved as soon as really.

He is not treating her like a carefree 5 yr old, more like an emotional crutch and secret keeper, not good but you already know this


gretagoodhouse Sun 23-Oct-16 21:07:14

Thanks for your message guilty
TBH, I missed it, I didn't think I'd had any replies.
If anybody reads this, I am still struggling with this issue and I am wondering if I can get any more advice.

This morning, Ex rang me to say he was taking DD to A&E as she had hurt her arm. In the last few years, she has been to A&E twice before for the same reason - it's a pulled elbow and she needs someone to pop it back in place. She's got really double jointed arms and apparently some kids are susceptible to it. She's also had the injury a number of other times but it has righted itself a couple of times.

Anyway, I got there and it transpired she got the injury yesterday morning at his hourse. Despite knowing about the previous times and even being there once (when he at first attributed it to attention seeking BTW), he feigned ignorance about her history with it, took her to a fete which she was apparently crying in pain for a lot of, carried her up and down the stairs because she couldn't use the bannisters, she woke up in pain in the night and it took him until 9am this morning to take her in.

I met them there and when the nurses were asking it about it, she hadn't even had any calpol for the pain.

After everything, I just don't think he's fit to make the right decisions in terms of what's best for her - added to other things in the last few months, the no calpol or spare pyjamas when she was ill, her being cold in bed, not providing a suitable duvet, no spare pyjamas, all his unstable behaviour.

, I intend to email him tomorrow to tell him what for...but what am I telling him exactly? Why am I still doubting myself. I can't tell him he can't have her can I? I don't really know what I can do.

I'll speak to my solicitor in the morning, but I just can't get it all out of my head.

YokoWakarimasen Sun 23-Oct-16 21:12:47

I don't have any good advice but your poor dd. It doesn't sound right at all.

CocoaX Sun 23-Oct-16 21:21:29

I would be very surprised if social services got involved as you are resident parent, she is safe with you and it is a family law matter.

I think you will need to get your solicitor to write and explain no more contact, or at the very least no more overnight contact, until x,y and z are addressed. He does not sound able to care for your DD properly.

Ringonrighthand Sun 23-Oct-16 21:21:58

This must be so unbelievably hard for you, my heart goes out to you.

I have recently split with my ex and we have a 5 year old DD too so I can't even imagine the hospital scene and no calpol etc. If it was me I would certainly be inclined to say to him no overnight visits for a while until you feel her safety/health is an absolute priority. Not sure what I've missed regarding the duvet but surely it's a necessity that she is adequately covered and warm in bed!! Where does she sleep at his house?

CocoaX Sun 23-Oct-16 21:23:12

If there is no court order in place, you can say no contact, yes. He would need to raise an action.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 23-Oct-16 21:47:22

Hi op

I think you should,stop,thinking about what's best for him, remember that your dd needs protecting
So may I suggest from ow on you start doing that

I hope your not wavering because of how she speaks,about him and showing great empathy for him, she's being brain washed or groomed for want of a word, and I feel,she's in danger to be honest.

It might be best if social services do become involved to take the decision out of your hands to act
Either way you have to make a choice, and it should be your dd

If anything more serious happens to her, it's on you remember that flowers

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