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Am I single?

(29 Posts)
amammabear Tue 18-Oct-16 22:15:33

I'm confused...

My husband left us a couple of months ago, so I know I'm officially separated, but at what point do I actually become "single"? The reason I'm pondering it is, I've not started Divorce proceedings yet, but will be doing, I was just letting the kids situation settle first, so I am still married, but we're not in a relationship, it is definitely not a break.

A guy propositioned me a couple of days ago and while I'm definitely not interested, it got me thinking about my status and I'm now really confused!

Toffeelatteplease Tue 18-Oct-16 22:18:13

I think you already are! Both terms apply maybe?

Myusernameismyusername Tue 18-Oct-16 22:18:47

He's moved out, you are separated youre single! Ok not in legal terms but maybe you just need a bit more time then you should come join us on the dating thread when you are ready.

But enjoy being single, I've loved a lot of it

TheNaze73 Wed 19-Oct-16 07:15:29

As my user said, you are but, not in the eyes if the law. I was in your space & someone else was the last thing on my radar. I considered myself single, despite being the one to end things, when the decree came through

amammabear Wed 19-Oct-16 07:36:20

I'm not actually after a relationship at the moment. There is a particular person I would love to get closer to, but even if he were interested, I would not let it get sexual without the divorce as that would be adultery in legal terms.

iremembericod Wed 19-Oct-16 07:39:44

Adultery in legal terms? 🙄

This isn't the dark ages, you are not with your 'h' and no solicitor in their right mind would class a new relationship as adultery.

Waiting for a divorce is not necessary if you want a new relationship.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 19-Oct-16 08:39:04

Get as sexual as you like with whoever you like when ever you like!
You are separated.
My divorce took 5 years!!!
It could take time so deny yourself a bit of happiness.
You can do what ever you like now - you are separated and single!
Enjoy it.

amammabear Wed 19-Oct-16 09:13:26

I can't imagine ever finding anyone anyway, but as far as the divorce and sex is concerned, I wouldn't rush into a sexual relationship anyway, it would have to be fairly long term, that's just me, but I wouldn't trust my ex not to drag that into the divorce.

Shodan Wed 19-Oct-16 09:31:02

I think I know how you feel- my husband and I separated a few months ago too, although at my instigation.

I've had a look at dating sites, but I still feel married, so it feels kind of wrong to be looking, iykwim? I haven't actually joined any, but even looking seems odd-like I'm being unfaithful.

My logical head tells me I'm single, the rest of me doesn't seem to have caught up yet grin

amammabear Wed 19-Oct-16 23:58:17

Thanks x

We've been emotionally separated a long time, so it's not so much that side of things really, more that I think it could make things nasty later, but as I say, the sexual side of things isn't really an issue yet as I'd have to have been with someone a while before I'd do that. It's more the initial is it ok to accept someone's advances or not that I'm unsure of... I know it sounds silly, but my husband is the only boyfriend I've ever had, so I really haven't a clue what I'm doing!

AcrossthePond55 Thu 20-Oct-16 00:55:24

I felt that I was single as soon as I kicked exH out the door. To me it was the combination of the fact that I knew I would never be in that marriage again AND that we were no longer living together. I was done + he is gone = single. The divorce was a legal formality.

I certainly wasn't looking for a new relationship. But I did need the feeling that I was single again, for myself.

BubblingUp Thu 20-Oct-16 01:39:57

In your head you can be single, but disclosing to potential dates I would use the word separated. I would be pissed if someone told me they were single if they were really married, but separated even though they felt single in their head. I'm not wanting to know how potential dates feel. I want to know their actual status.

amammabear Thu 20-Oct-16 08:18:39

Acrossthepond- exactly! I need it for me.

amammabear Thu 20-Oct-16 08:22:30

Bubblingup, that makes sense, I would definitely do that, but in fairness, I don't think there's any chance of me meeting anyone I don't already know, and can't imagine any of the people I do know ever being interested in me, like I said above, it's more about me. I said at the beginning of the thread that someone basically said he wouldn't say no if I were interested, the fact is, I wasn't, it is just about me, and potentially how I might be viewed if I flirt etc rather than what a man would think.

GrumpyDullard Thu 20-Oct-16 08:29:23

I got into a new relationship after separating from my ex but before the divorce was finalised. I was the one to leave and would have divorced him for unreasonable behaviour (he's an alcoholic) but he then wanted to divorce me for adultery! I said if he paid, he could divorce me for whatever he liked. smile
We had no assets and he didn't want custody of the DCs, but I doubt it would have made a difference in any case. I'm sure he's told his new wife and anyone else who'd listen the sob story of how my adultery ended the marriage but I really don't give a fuck.

amammabear Fri 21-Oct-16 12:45:48

If he did divorce me on those grounds it would have an impact on my future, so it is important.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 21-Oct-16 14:13:32

amamma, if it would have an impact on your life or your job, then perhaps you should have 'adultery' clarified legally and/or job-wise if only for future reference. You don't know what life might bring.

I did have a few (rather unexpected) dates in the 6 months it took to finalize my divorce but since I live in a 'no fault' (US) state there wasn't a problem. Nothing resulted relationship-wise as I really, really wasn't ready, but I guess that means you can 'never say never'.

moreslackthanslick Fri 21-Oct-16 14:36:06

I was divorced for adultery, it absolutely had no influence on my life. Why would it in your case?

AcrossthePond55 Fri 21-Oct-16 19:03:04


I could see how it could if one was a clergy person or perhaps a teacher or head in a religious based school? A media personality or athlete with a morals clause? Someone who lives is a religious-based society/country.

noego Wed 02-Nov-16 14:20:47

I was dating the very next day after I found out about OH's affair. They asked me not to because they couldn't handle the jealous feelings. Duh Tough titty darling. It helped me move on very quickly. Got my self esteem back with all the nice compliments I received.

SausageSoda Wed 02-Nov-16 17:05:14

For various reasons that I won't go into I wasn't able to divorce my exh until 5 years after he left the marital home. In that 5 year period I met my DP, we bought a house and had a baby. I certainly don't view myself as having committed adultry grin

You're separated and single OP.

Diamogs Wed 02-Nov-16 18:18:14

STBXH moved out a year ago - I have been in a new relationship for six months but haven't actually got round to starting the divorce yet.

I classed myself as single / separated the day he moved out.

I think adultery is an irrelevance these days isn't it? How would it impact on your life?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 02-Nov-16 18:42:14

I would be suspicious and upset if someone was dating me who was supposedly separated but it turned out they hadn't even started divorce proceedings.

If the papers were filed and it was underway, then I'd be fine with it.

Getmoving Wed 02-Nov-16 18:55:11

Hey beware if it is important that you are not committing adultery.

My exh divorced me for adultery 3 years after he left!

We had separated but he decided he wanted to come back by which time I had met someone. Legally I had committed adultery and he was so angry I didn't want him back he divorced me for adultery and threatened to name the guy in the papers (very rare these days apparently.)

Btw he had committed adultery well before me as he met someone within weeks of leaving.

He just did it to be vindictive. His pride was hurt. However if I had known I would have divorced him straight away after he left when it was relatively amicable.

Getmoving Wed 02-Nov-16 18:55:38

To answer your question you are separated.

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