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Bored with my marriage

(14 Posts)
imonthelist Tue 18-Oct-16 21:17:17

Just that really, I do still love my husband but we have been together 22 years and I am just bored with things. I was 17 when we got together and I just feel like I have missed out on so much in life like clubbing and dating. The internet was just new back then and internet dating wasn't a thing so I totally missed out on that.

Part of my wants to stay in my nice cosy marriage but the other part of me wants to see who I could become, and who I might meet if I were free but perhaps at 40ish I am deluding myself that anyone would still be interested.

So please help me decide if these feelings are just childish, selfish nonsense or if it might be an idea to try a seperation of some kind? Maybe I just been some sense talked into me, just so bored right now.

Badgoushk Tue 18-Oct-16 21:18:55

Do you have children?

What about spicing things up with some dates? Take turns to plan a date. It can be anything but it has to be a complete surprise to the other person.

imonthelist Tue 18-Oct-16 21:22:43

I do have kids but both are out the house now studying and working away.

I know spicing things up is what I should be doing but I really crave a change but worry its just a stupid fantasy and I will regret breaking up what is basically a loving marriage.

Myusernameismyusername Tue 18-Oct-16 21:25:55

Internet dating really isn't something that you should worry about missing out on from that perspective, trust me. It's 1% fun, 99% of the time.

But being single can be good 99% of the time. It's hard though. Financially and emotionally.

I think you should certainly think long and hard about doing anything rash but have you talked to him about this?

Badgoushk Tue 18-Oct-16 21:26:48

I think splitting up could be heartbreaking all round. I would try to fix things first. Do you still find your husband attractive? Do you get much intimacy?!

imonthelist Tue 18-Oct-16 21:32:25

I do kind of still find him attractive and we do still have sex but I feel like all the child rearing years did a bit of a number on us.

I think he knows I'm not happy but hasn't got a clue I'm thinking of ending it.

Badgoushk Tue 18-Oct-16 21:33:21

Have you found yourself attracted to someone else?

Myusernameismyusername Tue 18-Oct-16 21:36:17

Maybe you need something exciting you can do together like a holiday or trip of a lifetime. I'm just thinking about what I would do when my kids are grown and it would be something awesome to kind of regain my adulthood!

imonthelist Tue 18-Oct-16 22:01:29

I do find others attractive all the time but nobody in particular, there isn't an OM.

Perhaps we do just need something to do just for the two of us. I just wish I could put my current life on stand by for a year or two and go and try a life by myself to see what could happen and if it didn't work out I could slip quietly back, no harm done. Not possible though.

Badgoushk Tue 18-Oct-16 22:14:38

The thought of leading parallel lives is an interesting one! For me, a few years ago, I liked the idea of a few parallel careers!!

imonthelist Tue 18-Oct-16 22:20:16

Apparently in the future we will be able to upload our brains and they will be able to model our futures or various futures to see what will work out best for us. Too late for me though!

Dadaist Tue 18-Oct-16 22:22:59

I think that what you're saying is that you've missed out on having sex with other people and you'd like to try it! I think it's probably a common enough feeling for people in long term relationships when nothing is very wrong, but nothing makes your heart skip a beat anymore.
Some people will say you are thinking selfishly, and others that you fantasising about the new experiences you might have without thinking through everything else that it entails. It means separating from your husband, divorce even, somewhere else to live, dividing your family, children having to be in two places on Christmas Day or upsetting one of you, not to mention the financial settlement, dividing up possessions. And we aren't sure how understanding your family will be that you were just bored. I'm honestly not judging you, and I know some people are desperate to live their lives again, especially once children have left home. And you only get one life. I'm just saying ...think it through?
As you say, it's not going to be anything like the same in your forties as it was in your teens or early twenties. There will be more sense, more maturity, weighing up your behaviour and others before you act, fear of rejection, actual rejection, fear of looking a fool, and nice at first guys soon showing themselves to be arses, or new guy's with ex-wife and children and baggage and ridiculous scenarios or single daters turning out to have wives, and impossible dilemmas over where and how to start a future.

I think these are the reasons why many people thinking along your lines end up opting for an affair - it's totally the wrong thing to do, but much easier when you've thought it all through.

You've been married a long time, you are bored, and fantasising of being young and free - why not discuss it with your DH. Perhaps he's feeling the same - would you be ok with that? If it's just feelings then you can talk surely. If we were punished for what we think and feel, rather than what we actuall do, we'd all be serving time!

Myusernameismyusername Tue 18-Oct-16 22:23:08

What is you want to do?
Aside from date other people?
Ambitions and aspirations?

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 18-Oct-16 22:50:00

That's what brains do already smile

I doubt modelling it on hardware will be any more accurate than the current wetware.

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