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How do I move forwards?!

(3 Posts)
tweedledid Tue 18-Oct-16 20:39:15

I have posted a few times under various names and I don't generally get any replies but I really need help with this one!
I'll try not to drop feed but naturally will also try not to out myself!

So basically I have been with my OH for almost 2 years and we own a house together.
We were friends from school and after I had a child and gotten divorced quite young we go together.
DS is 5 and absolutely adores him!

Here's the problem. We just can't seem to get on. We always bickered to some extent, I have MH issues and he has trust issues, the two together don't mix.

For 2 months or maybe a little more we have lived separately trying to slowly piece our relationship back together until this evening when it all blew up. When we argue o get very bitter and angry and he trips up over his words and completely contradicts himself so it just makes for very juvenile arguments. We both say things we don't mean and then struggle to shake the words when all is said and done.

I love this guy, truly I do but I cannot see a way forwards. When we get on it almost feels fake. We both feel hard done by, although I will admit especially in the early days I was the one at fault, and we do not let things go.

Do I just give up, sell up and move on or do I let bygones be bygones and build a bridge?? I haven't got the energy to deal with this anymore!

Myusernameismyusername Tue 18-Oct-16 20:49:11

I think you are answering your own question because it sounds like you have tried and tried and nothing is working?

But relationship counselling might be a last chance to try something new?

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Tue 18-Oct-16 20:53:43

You both need to work at learning how to argue better. It's inevitable that you will disagree sometimes but its how you deal with it that makes the difference.

DP and I have had some belting arguments over the years but we are both commItted to improving things and keep trying various methods to do better. Is your DH interested in working things out? Does he acknowledge that your relationship needs work? Have you tried counselling together or apart for your respective issues?

It does sound like you have a lot to deal with, but if he can work on his trust issues (especially if his lack of trust in you is unfounded) and you can get him to empathise about your MH issues, while also getting any help that you can access, you should be able to communicate in a more effective way.

Something that has helped my DP and I to argue in a more productive way is to use Intentional Dialogue. Google it for the full description, but it involves really listening to each other, repeating back what they have said without putting your own spin on it and then telling them that you understand why they are upset and that their point of view makes sense.

If you take your own experience out of the equation and only see it from their side for a moment you can understand why they feel the way they do. Then you take your turn to put your side and they respond the same way.

It can feel a bit forced at first, but once you do it a few times it really helps to get you out of that rut where you're both stubbornly sticking to your own point of view and not hearing the other's.

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