Have name-changed. I’m just looking for some perspective and views please.
BF and I have been together almost 2 years. We are both in our 40’s, soon to be divorced (from our exes) and have two DC each. All has been really good between us, we love each other and have been making plans to meet each other’s DC.
I have my DC full-time and he has his every second week, so given that we haven’t all met yet, it can be challenging to spend quality time together. However we have managed ok to-date, including taking several weekend trips away over the last two years and I was hoping that this situation would improve when we had met each other’s kids.
We had to cancel two planned dates last week for various reasons attributable to him – valid enough reasons, but I admit I was frustrated and disappointed as a result. When I expressed this to BF in what I thought was a constructive fashion, he got upset and told me that I was overreacting, s* happens, and I should be able to deal with this better.
This was followed by an email from him the next day pretty much saying that he wanted to go on a week long activity trip abroad next Spring with a group of near strangers from his gym, but he has been afraid to mention it to me for fear that I would be upset. Damn right I would!
For context, this is a seasonal activity that we both love doing and have travelled abroad together to do twice in the last two years. We had a great time on both occasions but they were long weekend trips, due to children, financial and work holiday restrictions.
I’m really upset that he is prepared to use up a week of his holidays and the associated money to go on a trip with a group of people that he hardly knows, meaning that we would not be able to do this activity (or have any proper holiday together) at all next year due to lack of budget and lack of holiday allowance on his part. Moving into our third year together, I really hoped we would have a proper holiday of at least a week together in 2017.
His view is that he “wants to get to know these people better” and would be doing something out of the ordinary for him. He says it has no reflection on the way he feels about me. I get that all couples need to do stuff separately, but I cannot comprehend his attitude. He gets to do his own thing fairly regularly. For example, he just returned from a 4 day activity this past weekend and has several weekends away with his own friends over recent months. I have no issue whatsoever with this. He is a free spirited Gemini and I get that he needs to do stuff without me. Likewise, I have a good life of my own with plenty of friends and interests.
He doesn’t understand why this is a deal-breaker for me. His attitude is "tomorrow is another day" and that we have years of holidays ahead of us. But who knows what's around the corner?
I feel like there is no choice for me but to end the relationship if he chooses to go ahead with this trip. What it says to me is that he would prefer to spend his holidays and budget getting to know a group of strangers from his gym better, on what will probably be a wild boozy trip, rather than holiday with his partner. I am shocked, beyond disappointed and insulted and now feel that we have no future together. Am I overreacting? I wasn't invited on the trip by the way.
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Relationships
Would you be upset?
surprisedandupset · 18/10/2016 16:34
Why haven't you met each others DC after two years? That seems a very long time to me.
You are both still married to other people, you are just dating, he spends his holidays with his friends. I wouldn't see this relationship as serious to be honest. 
I'll admit you lost me when you decided to make relationship decisions based on his star sign 
Free spirited Gemini? What a load of tripe.
I think that despite his words about missing you, he isn't that into this as a serious relationship. I might have another view if you have lots of time together and loads of money and holiday time - and this was a trip you weren't into. But you struggle to get time together an this is an activity you both do!
In this situation, my boyfriend and I would be bending over backwards to make it work for both of us. In fact we do have a vaguely similar situation with a ski trip next year. We want to see each other, but he skis far better than me and will go with friends. We may not manage to combine it, but we're at least looking at dates and if I can come out 2 days of it...
It's not that the two of you have to be glued together, it's that you should want to be - sometimes!
If he was into you, surely he'd be showing off to the gym crowd how cool his GF is cos she too and is well up for joining the group.
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