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Would you be upset?

(71 Posts)
surprisedandupset Tue 18-Oct-16 16:34:24

Have name-changed. I’m just looking for some perspective and views please.

BF and I have been together almost 2 years. We are both in our 40’s, soon to be divorced (from our exes) and have two DC each. All has been really good between us, we love each other and have been making plans to meet each other’s DC.

I have my DC full-time and he has his every second week, so given that we haven’t all met yet, it can be challenging to spend quality time together. However we have managed ok to-date, including taking several weekend trips away over the last two years and I was hoping that this situation would improve when we had met each other’s kids.

We had to cancel two planned dates last week for various reasons attributable to him – valid enough reasons, but I admit I was frustrated and disappointed as a result. When I expressed this to BF in what I thought was a constructive fashion, he got upset and told me that I was overreacting, s* happens, and I should be able to deal with this better.

This was followed by an email from him the next day pretty much saying that he wanted to go on a week long activity trip abroad next Spring with a group of near strangers from his gym, but he has been afraid to mention it to me for fear that I would be upset. Damn right I would!

For context, this is a seasonal activity that we both love doing and have travelled abroad together to do twice in the last two years. We had a great time on both occasions but they were long weekend trips, due to children, financial and work holiday restrictions.

I’m really upset that he is prepared to use up a week of his holidays and the associated money to go on a trip with a group of people that he hardly knows, meaning that we would not be able to do this activity (or have any proper holiday together) at all next year due to lack of budget and lack of holiday allowance on his part. Moving into our third year together, I really hoped we would have a proper holiday of at least a week together in 2017.

His view is that he “wants to get to know these people better” and would be doing something out of the ordinary for him. He says it has no reflection on the way he feels about me. I get that all couples need to do stuff separately, but I cannot comprehend his attitude. He gets to do his own thing fairly regularly. For example, he just returned from a 4 day activity this past weekend and has several weekends away with his own friends over recent months. I have no issue whatsoever with this. He is a free spirited Gemini and I get that he needs to do stuff without me. Likewise, I have a good life of my own with plenty of friends and interests.

He doesn’t understand why this is a deal-breaker for me. His attitude is "tomorrow is another day" and that we have years of holidays ahead of us. But who knows what's around the corner?

I feel like there is no choice for me but to end the relationship if he chooses to go ahead with this trip. What it says to me is that he would prefer to spend his holidays and budget getting to know a group of strangers from his gym better, on what will probably be a wild boozy trip, rather than holiday with his partner. I am shocked, beyond disappointed and insulted and now feel that we have no future together. Am I overreacting? I wasn't invited on the trip by the way.

TheNaze73 Tue 18-Oct-16 16:42:16

Massive overreaction I think OP. You've only been together two years, he's not even divorced yet & you have years ahead of you. No one can argue a feeling & if this is so important to you, then you have to end it but, you'll regret it I think

OhNoNotMyBaby Tue 18-Oct-16 16:50:10

This is harsh, but:

You are cutting off your nose to spite your face, and you are jealous of his freedom.

Yes, you are over-reacting. You're not living together, you haven't met each other's children.... I think that to him, you are not a fully committed couple, but a rather loose-knit one.

Up to you whether or not you're OK with it really, but you're coming across as a tad controlling too.

Sorry OP, but you did ask!

milkyface Tue 18-Oct-16 16:52:59

I don't think you're over reacting.

It seems strange to me that he's going away to do an activity you both enjoy with a group of strangers.

I am not a 'cool wife' who is happy for their do to go here there and everywhere without me and expect me to be waiting for him when he gets back though!

I don't think it's got anything to do with whether you live together or not.

If it's a deal breaker for you, it's a deal breaker. There's nothing wrong with that!

surprisedandupset Tue 18-Oct-16 17:00:33

Thanks for your comments folks. I'm not controlling - I mentioned that he had had several weekends away with his friends over recent months and will continue to do so. I have no issue with this. My concern is that he wants to go with a group of near strangers rather than with me. If it was his own friends, I wouldn't be nearly as bothered. In fact, if we lived together, it would be easier to accept, but the fact is that as things stand with DC etc., we really struggle to spend quality time together. Holidays/breaks away are pretty much our only opportunity to do this.

Ohyesiam Tue 18-Oct-16 17:02:06

Sounds painful, but why throw away a good relationship because you are no it getting it exactly as you want it. I know you are disappointed but it seems a bit of an over reaction to me. Let him be who he is, he might return the favour.

TheNaze73 Tue 18-Oct-16 17:02:23

Have you talked about the relationship lately? You sound way more invested than he is?

surprisedandupset Tue 18-Oct-16 17:07:35

Yes Naze. We have spoken about it quite a bit recently and were due to meet each other's kids this weekend. But I agree he is more cautious than me due to his marriage ending very badly. However, he spent much of his weekend away last weekend texting me to say how much he missed me, loved me, wished I was there etc. That's why this has come as quite a surprise to me I guess.

happypoobum Tue 18-Oct-16 17:12:16

Why haven't you met each others DC after two years? That seems a very long time to me.

You are both still married to other people, you are just dating, he spends his holidays with his friends. I wouldn't see this relationship as serious to be honest. flowers

TheNaze73 Tue 18-Oct-16 17:12:49

Hope all goes well, seems a lot to throw away over a holiday but, if it's not right, then you shouldn't settle for average

iremembericod Tue 18-Oct-16 17:12:57

I think I'd just book a holiday with my friends. Not in a spiteful way, but if I really wanted to do this activity then I'd do it.

You aren't even divorced yet...why the rush to get saddled into another LT marriage type relationship?

pictish Tue 18-Oct-16 17:16:03

You are being controlling OP.
Your relationship is fairly young, you don't live together and your families aren't embroiled with one another at all. He is a free agent who can spend his time as he wishes.

You're basically demanding control over what he does and with who and threatening to end the relationship if he doesn't do as you say. You are being quite aggressively possessive.

He is allowed to make and go away with new friends without seeking approval or permission from you!

I'd tell you fine and send you packing if it was me.

LesisMiserable Tue 18-Oct-16 17:16:33

He's definitely split from his wife isnt he? Something sounds distinctly awry here.

surprisedandupset Tue 18-Oct-16 17:18:08

Sorry, I should have said that we have both been separated for a few years. Just haven't got around to getting divorced. So we were both single for a couple of years before meeting. We haven't met each others' kids because one of his is still very upset about her parents' splitting and wouldn't countenance meeting a new partner. We agreed that we would wait until she was ready.

surprisedandupset Tue 18-Oct-16 17:19:13

Yes, definitely split. I've met his wife. We get on very well and she is with a new partner herself.

pictish Tue 18-Oct-16 17:22:11

Believe it or not, I can actually see your pov, but I think you're taking this very personally when it's no reflection on you at all. It's just something he fancies doing and that's up to him.

At this stage I don't think he has to set aside all of his annual leave for you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 18-Oct-16 17:23:18

What everybody else said about your relationship is true; it's not a committed one, it's purely boyfriend/girlfriend status and you're both free agents to have a life around and away from each other also.

He wants this. You don't. Your last paragraph is verging on blackmail. If I were him, I'd end it - or let you end it - because you're obviously not happy that he wants to be free to enjoy this trip that he wants to go on.

Couples are different; I'm married and I'd happily let my husband go on holiday to do something he loved, without me (think fishing, urgh). I think it's good not to live in each other's pockets but I accept that other people feel differently.

The thing is, he doesn't want you in his pocket and he doesn't want to live in yours either... where you go from here is I suppose the path of least resistance.

LesisMiserable Tue 18-Oct-16 17:23:26

Regardless of that I dpnt think youre controlling I think you're insecure - and if this relationship makes you feel that way ypure right to end it because this guy isn't going to give you what you need anytime soon.

surprisedandupset Tue 18-Oct-16 17:24:04

Just to clarify pictish - I haven't threatened to end the relationship. That's how I feel right now, today, probably because I am upset. And that's why I'm seeking advice here. But I haven't suggested any such thing to him. There have been no ultimatums like that issued.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Tue 18-Oct-16 17:24:45

I think he probably sees you as a girlfriend whereas you see him as a partner (if that makes sense).

You may be a bit more invested in the relationship than he is.

happypoobum Tue 18-Oct-16 17:25:38

So he actually split with his wife about four years ago?

How do you link this We haven't met each others' kids because one of his is still very upset about her parents' splitting and wouldn't countenance meeting a new partner. with this

I've met his wife. We get on very well and she is with a new partner herself.


Costacoffeeplease Tue 18-Oct-16 17:26:53

I think you're massively overreacting, he is perfectly free to choose what he does, when and with whom. If you'd end the relationship because of this, then you can't be that invested in it

Cabrinha Tue 18-Oct-16 17:28:12

I'll admit you lost me when you decided to make relationship decisions based on his star sign hmm

Free spirited Gemini? What a load of tripe.

I think that despite his words about missing you, he isn't that into this as a serious relationship. I might have another view if you have lots of time together and loads of money and holiday time - and this was a trip you weren't into. But you struggle to get time together an this is an activity you both do!

In this situation, my boyfriend and I would be bending over backwards to make it work for both of us. In fact we do have a vaguely similar situation with a ski trip next year. We want to see each other, but he skis far better than me and will go with friends. We may not manage to combine it, but we're at least looking at dates and if I can come out 2 days of it...

It's not that the two of you have to be glued together, it's that you should want to be - sometimes!

If he was into you, surely he'd be showing off to the gym crowd how cool his GF is cos she <insert activity> too and is well up for joining the group.

surprisedandupset Tue 18-Oct-16 17:30:03

Sorry happy. I'm not sure that I get your question. I haven't met his kids, but I have met his ex wife. We have attended a couple of events together. Is that what you mean?

SavageBeauty73 Tue 18-Oct-16 17:30:35

Two years without meeting his kids? Are you sure he's getting divorced?

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