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Am I wrong to feel so distant 😔

(14 Posts)
user1469781192 Tue 18-Oct-16 12:50:05

Please tell me If my feelings are justified-So on Friday just gone it was my birthday and the night before I got a phone call to say my grandmother was dying and hadn't yet seen my 7 week old son (because I live over the other side of the country) so I dashed across with him on the Friday on the earliest train I could get taking with me as little as possible because it was so last minute and leaving my partner (the father of my baby) at home to look after my 2 children from my previous relationship, he was more than willing and a huge help getting me to the station and waving me off with a kiss and a hug, I managed to get to her on time and she thought my son was beautiful with that I took him to his other grandparents (my partners parents) so he could feed and sleep In comfort and I went back to spend more time with her all the time keeping in contact with my partner who'd been amazing apart from when I went to hold her hand and kiss her on the head while watching her die-It got to 8pm and I knew I had to leave to get back to pick up my son and go back to my mothers to settle him down so I said goodbye to her and told her we'd be back the next morning and then I left- I got back to my mothers at 9pm and messaged my partner to tell him where we were and how I was feeling and we messaged back and forward but he was taking a a while inbetween replies - After 11pm I got messages on fb inbox from a woman who we both only know from fb (she's my partners brothers friend who we've never met but she friended us both) to say that she'd been having a great time talking to him all night , how funny he was and how they were talking about her fancying his brother , my partner encouraging her to her sex with him (his bro) steal his sperm to impregnate her (jokingly) , hold him down etc and how he'd made her not feel so lonely by talking to her all night, he was sending her songs which she was then posting on her wall and also being her shoulder to cry on when she was talking about her ex taking her confidence and how she loves his brother-I politely thanked her for my birthday wish on my fb and that I was going to bed (as I had no interest in what she had to say to me after my emotional day)-I told my partner that she'd told me about their conversation and also told him I was going to bed so they could carry on having fun but the whole time wishing I'd had him at the other end of the phone for support and to hear a friendly voice on my birthday and wondering why I was having to share him ...They carried on talking and I went to sleep...The next day I woke up to find my grandmother had passed away in the early hours-I messaged him to tell him and he gave my his sympathies over messenger, I couldn't bring myself to call him after he left me without support to talk to someone else so I spent the whole day asking why he gave another woman his time and that I could never forgive him for that (he's cheated on me in the past) I was called a mental b*tch etc and to stay where I was if I didn't trust him-I told him it wasn't about trust and it was about him sharing himself around instead of giving myself and our son 100% support-I rushed back that same day to get back to my kids and it been an argument back and forward as to why he was chatting to someone else as soon as my back was turned again-his excuse "You left and I was bored and why can't I be there for her, I was also your shoulder to cry on" am I wrong for wanting both of his shoulders and wondering why he felt the need to be there for someone else when I needed him more than I ever have done before? I've not had a hug or any sort of comfort since I got home on Saturday, I've literally had no one as an emotional support-I feel completely numb and haven't even cried once because I don't know where I'm supposed to put my emotions? Do put them with my grandma, my family for losing her? Myself for losing her or my relationship which is now hanging by a thread? I've told him I want a break from us so he can work out if he wants to be single or committed 100% to myself and our son because he's let us down massively but in all honesty I don't feel like we can come back from this , I just feel numb-Last night he offered me a kiss and I hug and I refused because it's too late to offer now , we've also not shared a bed since i got back because I can't bring myself to...So mu question is , Am I justified in feeling this way or am I being unfair? Please be honest with me xx

HuskyLover1 Tue 18-Oct-16 13:48:01

That's just bizarre. Why would she contact your Partner? And then have an inappropriate conversation with him, only to then message you to tell you? All very odd. So he ignored your birthday? And hasn't shown sympathy for your loss? Sorry btw. flowers

AyeAmarok Tue 18-Oct-16 13:54:35

He's cheated before...

Looks like he's happily do it again. The guy is not to be trusted.

user1469781192 Tue 18-Oct-16 15:28:32

Well he didn't ignore my birthday as such , it's just I made a mad dash across the country with our son so we weren't together physically, The woman was drunk and he's shocked that she messaged me too , I just feel that the respect boundary has been crossed again and why he felt it was his place to be her shoulder to cry on when he should've just been mine is what hurts , What is the point in a relationship if you can't turn to the one you love 😢

Every1lovesPatsy Tue 18-Oct-16 15:38:11

She fancies both brothers and wants to let you know she is the Alpha female. She didn't know about your grandmother (I'm sorry for your loss). He is being a thoughtless asshole and enjoyed the semi flirting...living vicariously through his brother's impending shag.

Respect and boundaries. Both of them are acting strangely.

Every1lovesPatsy Tue 18-Oct-16 15:42:18

But I suppose...to play devil's advocate, he might not be sure how to support you. He might not know what you need him to do, he might think caring for the two other children is showing support and messages of sympathy are not as valuable as practical help.

Maybe just a chat about boundaries is needed.

user1469781192 Tue 18-Oct-16 16:21:57

I've thought before that she fancies my other half as well as his brother and it's not even the fact that she does , it's the fact he doesn't respect the fact that he's in a relationship and has a child 😢 And the fact when I needed him emotionally , he wasn't fully available and not for any other reason than he was giving his time to another woman 😔 The support he gave me looking after the kids was great and I can't fault that but I just feel as the father to our son and we live together as husband and wife , He should've been my support and not having a free pass to chat to another woman while I was away for the night 😔 We've talked about these boundaries before over different women and his answer is always the same "I'll talk to who I want to whenever I want to and the sooner you accept that , the happier you'll be" I just don't know what to do anymore and just totally numb to everything 😔

TheNaze73 Tue 18-Oct-16 17:21:52

Sadly the fact you are in a relationship, just makes this type of female or male more determined. She doesn't give a fuck about you & was peacocking

user1469781192 Tue 18-Oct-16 17:37:38

Peacocking? Sorry what does this mean?! Like presenting herself or something?? Do I talk to her or wait it out to see what happens? I just don't know where my head is at right now over everything 😔

TheNaze73 Tue 18-Oct-16 17:40:18

Yeah, you got it OP smile Gone all alpha female like Every1 said.

You need to choose whether him talking to other people is a deal clincher is for you? If you can't accept it, then the ball is in your court

user1469781192 Tue 18-Oct-16 18:05:20

We had it out before and he basically told me he's never going to change and its absolutely none of my business who he talks to and what's it's about is also none of my business , I'm not prepared to accept that so i know what I have to do! Like I said to him , it's not about me stopping him from talking to people , it's about boundaries and respect plus when I needed him he wasn't fully available to me 😔

Thank you all so much , You've helped me see it clearly now xxx

Candlefairy101 Tue 18-Oct-16 19:47:14

If I was you OP and as much as you don't feel like it now, I would put a loving picture of you and your fella up online so she sees it. She new what she was doing messaging him and hen you now she's sat back and watching her magic. Show her who alpha is and hat he's yours and some slag can't get between you, it will shut her up because knowing girls like this she'll get bored and move on ruining someone else's relationship, that's all it is to her is a game!

Can't imagine what your going though now with a young baby as well, I lost my nanna when I was young so can't even remember much but at least you can say to yourself YOU did the right thing for YOU and went to see her. Before she past, don't let this cow cause you more hurt than what your going through now x

AyeAmarok Tue 18-Oct-16 21:35:27

Oh dear, do NOT do that ^ OP!

It is teenagery behaviour, and you'll make yourself look like an insecure twit. Especially as your DP is engaging with her so she knows there's a weakness in your relationship. It's not one sided on her part.

You'll look like you're desperately trying to mark your turf and that you're pretending your relationship is good. If she is trying to wind you up then she'll love getting that reaction.

user1469781192 Tue 18-Oct-16 21:54:07

I think I'm just going to keep a dignified silence and accept that we can never work on his logic of how a relationship should work , he's losing everything and doesn't know it yet...I've tried for 3 years , I'm done being hurt xxx

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