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Am I spoilt or is this just rolling on? It's really long - sorry.......

(2 Posts)
khaleesi71 Mon 17-Oct-16 23:00:39

DH and I have been together for 20+ years; we met when I was in the process of leaving ExH who was horrid and the divorce was very messy. I stupidly, married ExH and had children at a very young age, but I feel that was probably to get away from my DPs messy divorce and an abusive relation (no one knows this). I was still quite young when I met DH - I was smitten but realise now that he was a rebound relationship and I wish that I had the strength to be on my own. I had two DC's with ExH who was toxic and divisive throughout their childhood (and still is). DH took them under his wing and is and was an amazing DsD to them. We had DS several years later.
Previously DH and I have had difficult periods, very early on he wanted to break up but I clung on to the relationship and he stayed. I am ashamed of that. Later he told me again that he didn't find me attractive and didn't want to be with me any more - but then carried on as 'normal'. I was devastated by his revelation and spent years trying everything to be attractive to him. ;He is not the most affectionate and is himself the product of a very toxic divorce and what seemed to be a painful custody battle with several abductions and moves between homes.We still had sex during this time and to me, it seemed as though he was enjoying it. Some years later, he told me again that he wanted to leave me and the DD's (well before DS was born). He said that he didn't love me and had never wanted to get married. I had a brief fling with a work colleague but there was no desire to carry on with this and it ended quickly. I'm glad of that and felt guilty but angry and did not know what to do. We both stayed in the house (separate rooms) whilst he had his space to find his way through his feelings and although it hurt very much, this time I told him that I loved him and wanted him to stay but it had to be his choice. Then one night he took me out for dinner and presented me with a beautiful gift and asked his forgiveness and that he realised that he had been more miserable when we had been apart. We resolved to put it behind us; he found out about the fling but we seemed to work through the issues and we have been happy. That's the confusing issue; between the bumps there have been stretches of smooth road. We don't argue very much and we have quite a lot in common, and generally have similar outlook and on the same political wavelength etc. I am more of a social creature and I value my friendships; he doesn't have any friends really - some mutual friends but nothing of note and he always says people are 'nice' but not 'his kind of people'. I often have to make social arrangements and sometimes he will grumble that I see friends after work but if I don't see them then I'll never have time to. We worked together for a number of years and can tolerate each other even when we are cross. We do tend to work things out and try and communicate the niggles; but the elephant is still in the room. Recently, DH has become a SAHD. I find elements of this frustrating, but recognise that some of it is because he's not doing it 'my way' - so I don't say anything (much). It took a few conversations to get him to realise that he needed to sort tea out (I don't get home until late) and he was annoyed to find that he had to ferry DS to various after school activities (he said he didn't have time). He has been working on the house, which is fine but it seemed to take a while to realise that is secondary to looking after DS. He does accept that this has been a learning curve for him and this was to be temporary but he is finding it harder to find suitable work than he had first realised and I think he is finding this really hard (he is well qualified etc but has been out of his field for a while for various sensible reasons). I have asked that he prioritise job-hunting over fixing up the house, but then he says he doesn't have time to do everything. I point out that when I had to take time off for Mat Leave, I had look after DS and sort the house and then find another job to go back to (we moved during ML). I have come to realise that perhaps we are good friends, but that is all really. I do love him but has the emotional range of a teaspoon and it's worn me down - I think I have withdrawn emotionally as well (may be that's why we get on - we've sucked the feelings out of our marriage)! I feel that we are benignly fucked up but I just can't seem to justify ending an amicable but dull marriage because of the impact on DS. We are now in a passive aggressive stand off where every issue needs a blame post-mortem. I just don't know what to do - in many ways I feel very lucky - I have a good job, a beautiful DS, a husband who appears to be functional and a lovely house. Which is why I wonder if I'm just spoilt. I want an honest open conversation about it all but it seems to fall on deaf ears. Sorry - I think this is the first time I've written it all out and it feels as thought it's been quite cathartic although I'm embarrassed by the total fuck up my life actually appears to be sad sad

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Mon 17-Oct-16 23:10:06

Don't be embarrassed - it sounds like you have been through a lot.

Do you ever have any couple time? It sounds like you are both so stretched that it must be difficult to find time to connect as husband and wife rather than parents or housemates.

TBH when I read the first half of your OP I was worried that he just isn't into the marriage, but later on it seems that he is but you are not!

I think You need I sit down together and work out a plan for housework/house repairs/job hunting/childcare etc and make sure you are both on the same page. Build in some time to spend together and time for you both to unwind alone with friends etc.

If you have a plan in place and a timescale hopefully you can see some light at the end of the tunnel. Give yourselves 6 months and then review it, if you still aren't feeling the love then there's no shame in going your separate ways. It would probably be easier now while you are amicable than later when you have both come to the end of your respective tethers!

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