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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

ex husbands wife

51 replies

stressedoutnfedup · 17/10/2016 23:00

i need advice on how to deal with my ex husbands wife, my sons had a serious accident i live a distance away i phoned the hospital to see how my son was, i explained i'm his mum, they said his mum and dad are with him, and wouldn't tell me if he's ok or not, they said only his mum and dad are allowed to visit.
a couple of years ago my son was in court, she stood up in court and told them she was his mum, is there something wrong with her, she can't have children of her own, even my grandchildren are not allowed to call me grandma as she gets angry with them, she says she's grandma,
she hit my dd a couple of years ago because my daughter told her straight,dd wouldn't call her mum, dd is my youngest and she's 23 but has special needs,
i don't know how to deal with this, i want to see my son.

OP posts:

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reallyanotherone · 17/10/2016 23:06

Does she have parental responsibility?

If she doesn't, phone the hospital and tell them only you and your ex have pr. Tell them she can not legally consent to any treatment. If they allow it you will take legal action. Might be worth phoning PALS too and getting them to check.

Then get yourself down there with his birth certificate. Over the phone they won't tell you much as you could be anyone.

CitySnicker · 17/10/2016 23:10

...how old is your son? What does he want?

stressedoutnfedup · 17/10/2016 23:11

she's never had p/r, i didn't split up with ex h till he was 18. she has put herself down as next to kin and said she's his mum

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stressedoutnfedup · 17/10/2016 23:13

ds is 25 but can't breath for himself so can't make decisions

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Meadows76 · 17/10/2016 23:15

I don't quite understand how you are not able to see your son? Go to the hospital? What she says to them is irrelevant as you ARE his mum, unless they have some sort of court order you have omitted.

Livelovebehappy · 17/10/2016 23:16

She sounds psycho!! I would get myself to the hospital pronto. It will be a lot easier to be assertive about the situation if you are face to face with her. Sounds like you may have been a bit soft with her in the past - you need to be strong and stand up to her

reallyanotherone · 17/10/2016 23:17

If he can't make decisions someone must have power of attorney to make his decisions?

Who is that?

All you can do is tell the hospital she is not next of kin and legally shouldn't be allowed to make decisions. That should make them check if she actually is nok, as they'll be in legal trouble if she isn't.

stressedoutnfedup · 17/10/2016 23:27

going to the hospital tomorrow, can't get there tonight, i don't drive and have nobody to ask to take me, i can't take his birth certificate as my son has it, nobody has p o a, the hospital are just listening to her and her lies, i haven't got any i d to prove i'm his mum as i re-married, all my id has married name on,

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Meadows76 · 17/10/2016 23:28

Why on earth would you need any of that? Just go to the hospital, ask to see a doctor for an update of your sons condition and go see him.

IamSwitzerland · 17/10/2016 23:30

Heaven help the idiot who stands between me and my sick child.

I would make sure all of the relevant documents are on me - passport, birth certs, driving license, everything and go to the hospital.

Unless there is some weird backstory that means you have no contact then just go, you do not need to have anything to do with the 'step mother', she is not the boss!!

Also I sincerely hope you reported the assault on your dd, if not look into that once everything has calmed down.

IamSwitzerland · 17/10/2016 23:31

Your marriage cert will have old and new names.

stressedoutnfedup · 17/10/2016 23:34

i was told only close family allowed and according to them his mum and dad are there, they said i wouldn't be allowed in, i'm going to insist on going in, just worried about causing a scene in intensive care, both ex husband and her are very abusive and can be violent if challenged

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stressedoutnfedup · 17/10/2016 23:35

thanks iam, didn't think of that, not thinking straight at minute

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MyWineTime · 17/10/2016 23:37

Your son is an adult. Is he correcting her and other people who refer to her as his mum?
How can she influence what your grandchildren call you?
It seems like there's more to this than you have posted.

Steamgirl · 17/10/2016 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IamSwitzerland · 17/10/2016 23:39

If you are stuck until morning call the ward for an update, explain you will be there soon and make a point of telling them that you will seek legal advice if refused next of kin update.

Make it absolutely clear that she is his recent step-mother, you are his mother.

Take a note of the time and person's name, leave your details with them and ask that you are updated if there is any change in your son's condition or care plan.

If you have a 24hr legal policy on your home insurance you could call them and get some free advice.

If you think you are in shock and not sure what to do then trust me and just pack a bag, call anyone you know who can drive you or get a cab but just go and be there right now. Staff have to deal with this sort of thing all the time. The only thing that matters here is your son, ignore the politics, nobody will be allowed to assault you in a staffed hospital.

stressedoutnfedup · 17/10/2016 23:42

my son has never called her mum, everyone knows she's step mum, but she tells everyone she has 3 sons (my sons) if my grandchildren tell her we saw grandma, she tells them i'm not grandma she is and my name is stressed, she gets very angry about it, my sons have corrected her but she doesn't listen

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MyWineTime · 17/10/2016 23:42

Is your son married?

GentleOnMyMind · 17/10/2016 23:45

I really hope your son is ok and you get to see him tomorrow

mummag · 17/10/2016 23:47

Just do as previous poster said be insistent and make them answer you. I do hope your son is ok. It sounds v serious.

stressedoutnfedup · 17/10/2016 23:48

sons not married but has 3 children and lives with his partner, she was turned away when she went to visit, she was told by step mum it's nothing to do with her how my son is,

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ilovelamp82 · 17/10/2016 23:49

Go and see your son. Simple as that. Tell them you are his mother and that woman is his step mother. Make it clear that she has no right to make decisions on behalf of your child. They will let you see him.

There isn't anything in the world that would stop me seeing my child. Certainly not this situation.

If for some bizarre reason they won't let you see him, (but they will), speak to someone more senior or last resort ask the police for advice/help.

They will let you see your son though. This is bonkers.

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Meadows76 · 17/10/2016 23:50

All this talk of providing evidence and seeking legal advice is ridiculous. They wouldn't speak over the phone and quite rightly so, most hospitals do that if you are not mum or dad. They think she is mum. You need to go there and tell them otherwise. Why on earth would she be able to stand up in a court and say she was his mum? That either means she has a legally binding arrangement, or she said she was 'like a mum to him' because believe it or not whenpeople are going to court they do check who is who.

stressedoutnfedup · 17/10/2016 23:54

she has no legally binding arrangement, she stood up in court and lied, this is what i have had to put up with from her, my dd chose the word deluded for her, we are sure she has told herself she gave birth to my kids, we think she needs help

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IamSwitzerland · 17/10/2016 23:54

Depending on the ages of your other children I would round all the adults in your family up and go there. Do not expect to be allowed into the ward. Expect to be sitting in a waiting room for the night but at least you will be on hand as a family to be updated and the staff will be made to realise that step mother is not next of kin.

Partner who is mother of his children should not have been sent away, go back her up.

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