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Not sure if I'm damaged and mad, or he's a bit dodgy

(21 Posts)
dilys4trevor Mon 17-Oct-16 22:21:01

Hello all. After some advice as I don't know if I am too damaged for a relationship, or if my boyfriend really is a bit iffy.

My husband killed himself in January after an affair (and some other problems). We had been splitting up for a while when it happened and I decided to take the plunge with online dating after 6 months.

I met a bloke I really liked quite fast and he was lovely and we had a great time. I know it all sounds a bit fast but after a month or two he said he was in love with me and we met each other's children and have had a lovely time (please don't judge on the meeting children thing; I'm a total novice at this and because I'm a lone parent and it's just me entirely (I have three young ones), it was much easier to see each other with our respective kids and he is great with mine and clearly a good dad with his son).

Anyway, we have had a few ups and downs already and some of this is him and some of it is me overreacting (I definitely have suicidal/unfaithful husband baggage).

But, a while back he said he was going to meet up with a woman he had met online a few years ago who had gotten back in touch. He said he had told her he was loved up with me but was going to have dinner with her as friends. My worry was they had never been friends as such; from what I could make out it was a short lived romance that she ended. I said I wasn't comfortable and so he said he wouldnt go.

This weekend we went away together and he mentioned she had been in touch again and was it alright if he met up with her? I said no not really, as she is an ex tinder shag, not a mate and how would he feel in reverse? He said he wouldn't feel great and agreed he shouldn't go.

I was a bit pissed off as I'd already said I wasn't comfortable with this, which he claimed not to remember. Anyway, over the course of the next day it came out (I probed, I admit) that he had gotten in touch with her to arrange to meet up when we had briefly split 6 weeks ago (my instigation when I overreacted about something), in a fit of pique. He said he was been hurt and angry I had dumped him and he got in touch with her to make himself feel better. We then sorted things out but unbeknownst to me, the 'date' was still kind of on the table but hadn't actually happened yet. He gave an inconsistent story about the text chat with her around this (first off he said she had gotten in touch with him, then admitted he had instigated it, then said she had chased down a day and he had avoided it, then he said he had chased it). He maintains though that once we had sorted out our issues and I had undumped him, it became 'just mates' again.

The killer was that I asked to see these messages and...he had deleted them. Because he said 'he felt ashamed.' I said there is only one reason people delete texts. Because they are incriminating.

He has said he will try and retrieve them and I have told him he needs to either do this or I want to see screen shots, which he will need to ask her for. It's not like me at all but we have the potential to get quite serious and I don't want to make a mistake.

Am I mad? This is a bit too soon for me isn't it. Thing is, he is very attentive and sweet. Never gives me reason usually to doubt him on this stuff. I don't know if he's a lying arse or I'm just up to my eyeballs in issues. He maintains there was no intent once we'd gotten back together (the split lasted 48 hours) and that the point is, he told me about the date before it happened.

Sorry if I sound like a teenager. It's been a funny year.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 17-Oct-16 22:33:50

I Am sorry about your husband. It must still be a very difficult thing for you and your children.
I just want to say I think that perhaps you should keep your eggs out of this basket for quite a while longer. This doesn't sound like something that has serious legs, what with trust issues and all... just be careful. Don't commit yourself to anything. I think this is the point where you are seeing the real him. He sounds a bit like he isn't really that serious and is keeping his options WIDE OPEN. I really do think that.

The thing about the children and meeting him, Well people advise it because if children have had a traumatic experience it's usually wise to give plenty of time to work out if this new person has a good character and is trustworthy

Personally? I would pull back on any child - man interaction right now, and refrain from any ideas about getting serious. You need to get to the bottom of whether you really do trust him and if this is something that you can tolerate

Costacoffeeplease Mon 17-Oct-16 22:46:59

I agree

J0kersSmile Mon 17-Oct-16 22:50:46

Yeah what myuser said.

I think it's your alarm bells ringing here and not past baggage mixing you up.

doji Mon 17-Oct-16 22:53:56

Overall you know this isn't a healthy dynamic. If you feel you have some issues relating to your past (and it would be perfectly natural to be deeply affected by what you've been through), then take the time to get some counselling.

I'd also reevaluate whether he is actually the kind and caring man you think. Most men i know arent sneaking around trying to meet up with ex-shags behind their gf's back (and the ones that are are not nice people). If he can't remember that going on dates with former lovers isnt acceptable when in a relationship, I'd strongly suspect he isnt good relationship material and I'd move on to someone more capable of respecting healthy boundaries.

dilys4trevor Tue 18-Oct-16 01:00:46

Thank you.

He has been round tonight with his laptop and bought some software in front of me and then used it to retrieve his deleted messages. Except only about half are there. The rest didn't appear for some reason. What was there looked platonic but who knows.

He then texted her in front of me to ask her to send a screen shot of the messages because he had been dishonest about them and had deleted them. Of course, he could speak to her to get stories straight or anything. He's gone home now.

I don't doubt he is regretting it now in a way, but it's clear this evening that he still thinks meeting up with ex shags is OK, as long as there is 'no intent.' Bottom line is, he has admitted to trying to meet up with her even though he knew I wouldn't like it. He prioritised that over me, basically.

Have told him I don't want him near the kids or any more serious chat until I've seen I can trust him.

Just so fucking disappointing. I really thought he was a great bloke.

AmeliaJack Tue 18-Oct-16 01:06:01

I would have concerns about a man who has declared his love for me but within two days of an argument is making arrangements for a quick shag.

That doesn't shout heartbroken and desperate to be together to me.

dilys4trevor Tue 18-Oct-16 01:08:34

Yes Amelia, that's a big part of my issue too.

AmeliaJack Tue 18-Oct-16 01:23:00


BlueFolly Tue 18-Oct-16 01:26:51

Thing is, even if the messages were platonic, doesn't mean that would have been his intention if he'd seen her. I wouldn't trust him with a barge pole, even really nice, sweet people can cheat.

YouHadMeAtCake Tue 18-Oct-16 01:33:45

I'm sorry about your loss. I think he is playing games and you and your DC deserve better than that. 💐

ohtheholidays Tue 18-Oct-16 01:49:41

It's to soon for you OP and for your children.

I'm sorry you lost your husband and in the way that you did that must be one of the most horrific things that anyone could ever go through.

If it was me I'd call of the relationship with him and take some time out for yourself,spend some time just doing things for you,get to know yourself again outside of a relationship.

I went from a very bad marriage(he was abusive)into another relationship that became very serious and within less than a year after my marriage had ended and I'd ended up jumping from one bad mistake to another.

After that I stayed single for a few years,I went on some dates nothing serious and it did me so much good.I ended up going back to college(I had young DC as well)started working with SureStart,made great memories with my DC and learnt alot about myself.

Then I went onto meet my now DH,he's the complete opposite of anyone I'd ever gone out with before(he's one of the good guys)and we now have 5DC.

I'd hate to imagine what mine and my DC's lifes would be like if I hadn't admitted that I'd made a mistake with the first relationship after my 1st marriage had ended.

Don't forget you don't owe this man anything the only people you need to make happy right now are you and your DC!

ICuntSeeYourPoint Tue 18-Oct-16 06:37:20

It's been 6 months and in that time he's already trying to cheat on you, arranging dates and deleting messages. Dump and run. Bollocks did it magically turn into a "mates" event once you un-dumped him, it was a fucking date! If you waste more time getting more invested in this guy, it will only hurt more next time.

Of course he seems great and never given you a reason to doubt (apart from arranging a date, not unarranging it when you told him no the first time, deleting messages etc). It's been 6 months. Everyone seems perfect at 6 months, that's why you get to know people for quite a while before getting serious. LTB.

Millionreasons Tue 18-Oct-16 06:41:35

Agree with pps. Far too soon and him coming round with a laptop to retrieve messages I think is all over the top.

CrazyDuchess Tue 18-Oct-16 06:47:00

Way too much drama for essentially a 3/4 month relationship??? (You got together in june/July?)

What everyone else says dump and run!

Bagina Tue 18-Oct-16 06:47:24

I agree; let him go. It's not what you do, is it??? You don't arrange to meet exes and be in love with someone. It must be convenient that your kids can all play together, but it sounds like he's losing interest/keeping options open. All this angst and don't need any more of that. I'd bow out of this one and next time take it slower. Good luck, it's not a nice situation.

PoldarksBreeches Tue 18-Oct-16 06:47:29

You're really not being fair on your children. Their dad died less than a year ago and you've introduced them to a man already? I'm sorry I don't care that you asked for no criticism, that deserves it.
I've been a lone parent for years and dated a good few men, none have ever met my ds. My ex spends half the year living elsewhere too so it's not like I have regular weekends to myself. There is no reason or excuse to get so carried away that you introduce your kids to a man after a month in normal circumstances, let alone your children's situation!
Also, people who talk about love a month in are not being honest. Either with you or with themselves. This relationship isn't healthy for you and it's certainly not what your kids need now. I think you should go back to being single, focus on your friends, hobbies, things that are good for you and your kids and wait at least another year before dating.

Millionreasons Tue 18-Oct-16 07:23:06

I also think it's all too soon for you and the children although I did it myself. I thought I was fine and did a lot of online dating but it's only now nearly five years on that I am single and giving myself time and space that I can see things clearly.

ChuckBiscuits Tue 18-Oct-16 07:30:54

You can only be 3 months in OP.

This is not good. Please end this and wait until you are more ready before looking for a new partner.

toptoe Tue 18-Oct-16 07:36:29

Yes it is too soon for you.

Also, so quick into a relationship to be having issues with his texting another woman for sex during a 'break' is not good even if you had waited a while to get involved in a relationship again.

So, for both these reasons, I would tell him you're not ready for this sort of relationship. You have other fish to fry, as it were, with your grief and your little ones to concentrate on.

dilys4trevor Tue 18-Oct-16 10:36:37

Thanks everyone.

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