DH is a workaholic in a job he loves. He often leaves the house at 8am and gets back at past midnight. The rest of the time he is exhausted and mostly sleeps. He lives and breathes work and makes good money. He never takes the DCs by himself, only sees them at the weekends, I get up with them at night too, and when he does see them I am always present and naturally take the role as the primary caregiver.
I am currently a SAHM. It is an option I resorted to because of my fears. DC are 6mo and a 2 yo with both SN and auto immune disease. I am OCD and germ phobic and terrified of the DC getting ill, not helped by 2yo's autoimmune issues. I feel that nurseries and childminders is where they catch everything and she gets so ill every time she is in environments like that. Colds turn into pneumonia, stomach bugs turn into weeks of DD not eating and hospital visits. If I did not have this fear - or DD did not have auto immune, maybe I would not feel as panicky about illness as this.
The DC also do not go to any groups, mainly due to where we live (there aren't many) and partly due to my OCD and dd's issues. They do see other children, but it is hard for my 2yo with SN to interact with other children her age.
I'm reaching a point where my loneliness, tiredness and isolation with DCs by myself, plus my fears of illness are ruining my mental health. I have no one to speak to in the days or the evenings to offset my anxiety or to get perspective, so the fear gets out of control and I am on the verge of panic attacks. I really feel that if I was part of a supportive community and could talk through my fears regularly then they may be better. Family are supportive on the phone but hundreds of miles away. Friends are all abroad.
I am also rather embarrassed of my fears as I feel I am just a parent like anyone else and it's what everyone else is going through but I'm the one who can't cope. And other people have more than two DC or have two DC with SN.
I try to talk to DH about this but he insists the situation is just temporary and "part of the journey" to get us where we need to be as a family, financially. That and we both need to make sacrifices and i need to overcome my fears. He doesn't want to deal with my anxiety on top of the stresses he is under. He says his time away from DCs and being at work all the time is his sacrifice and torture enough for him, but I don't know if I believe him.
TBH, I wish I was him. I could go to an office, talk to people, not have to be there with the DCs for all the hard things and things I fear - like illness, SN problems, loneliness, hospital visits and feeling out of control. But he earns much much more than I would earn so it makes more sense that he is the one who works.
I feel stuck. I can't see the wood for the trees. I think maybe I project the blame for my fears and anxiety and situation on to DH and I over-idealise his experience of work. He is exhausted. I think we are both exhausted. I just don't know anymore. I know that he would not block 2yo going to SN nursery if I really insisted, but I am so fearful about her getting ill I Can't bring myself to do it. DH is not controlling. He also doesn't control money - I have enough to pay for some childcare if I wanted (we have a joint bank account,) but it is my fear holding me back. DH says get a babysitter and do what you want. But it is not as easy as that. Dd's needs are very complex - it is not a case of just "getting a babysitter." But of course DH doesn't understand that, as he is not around to see the reality of her issues.
Is it him or me or both? What practical things should I do to help myself? Do I just need to woman up?
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Young mum, struggling, don't know if it's my marriage, or me
3 replies
2one2 · 17/10/2016 22:09
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