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Relationship advice(8 Posts)
Me and my boyfriend keep arguing and I don't feel happy. The latest argument happened at lunch today when he came home to take the dog out, my sister rang and she wanted to FaceTime me to see my lb, my oh was out with the dog and came back and started making faces and comments because he has something against my sister face timing me. I left the room with my lb and oh together so they could see each other before he went back to work and when I came back in he went mad at me saying you have all day to talk to your sister, I have come home to talk to you and see lb. I told him that I am sick of him trying to control me when I picked up my phone he came over and smacked the phone out of my hand and though it across the floor. This isn't the first time he has done something like this he has thrown other things, plus he has pinched me, just these little things make me worry that it could lead to more. I could go on and don't get me wrong I am not claiming to be a saint but I just don't think he is making me happy and I worry that I don't have the same feeling for him anymore plus I don't want to be intimate with him. I feel so confused about what to do we have a young baby, dog and house together and me leaving will mess everything up. He has told me that he makes things very difficult for me if I try to leave and that I am not taking his boy away from him. He is even saying that I should leave our boy with him, I would never do this plus he has never changed his nappy and he is 5 months old.
How much time do you have as a couple. It sounds like he wants to spend time with you and it's making him frustrated that you choose to face time your sister.
However despite his frustration, there was no need to behave that way towards you and I think you need to talk to him when you are both calmer and consider some sort of counselling.
It's one thing to be upset your attentions elsewhere for a short time but to be violent about it is quite another. Neither indicates a balanced loving partner.
I understand the thought of going your own way is incredibly hard with all you have together -new baby, dog & house- but where do you see your self in 5 /10 years? Still repeating the unhappy feelings?
Love yourself & your baby enough to do what's right for you
Why don't you take a break from each other at lunch times? The phone bit, is totally indefensible
As a quite non-judgemental, understanding sort of guy, I often raise an eyebrow at MN posts, when every intance or example of bad husband behaviour will attract comments such as 'you are in an abusive relationship' 'he's an abuser' and 'LTB (leave the bastard).
But from what you have described OMG OMG - this is one dangerous abusive nasty nasty bastard who DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!!
The fact that he has discussed how he would make things difficult for you if you ever left? WTAF? Red flag. Red flag. And he's 'Never. Changed. A. Nappy ? And he's getting violent and controlling.
So I absolutely cannot understand the above posters.
OP - I'm a dad to two daughters (younger than you) but if I had ever heard such a story I'd be round in the car to take you away and let your twat of a boyfriend say exactly what he said about your leaving to you to someone else!
Where is AF when needed?
Run, run run and don't look back - all the rights are with you as the unmarried mother - as they should be! Please get help - he will try to prevent you talking about this to anyone - don't let him!
Absolutely do not leave your baby son with this man.
He clearly has a violent temper. The things you describe are not little things. He smacked the phone out of your hand. He throws things. He pinches you. He tells you when you should be speaking to other people. He is threatening you with what he might do if you choose to leave him.
If he has never changed a nappy in 5 months how does he propose looking after his son 24 hours a day? Is he going to give up his job, or employ a nanny, or wrap around child care? Of course not. It's just bluster to put you back in your box.
You only need one reason to leave - because you want to. He doesn't get a say in that. You argue, he's violent, he doesn't make you happy, you don't want to be with him physically. You say "I'm no saint". Don't look to excuse his behaviour. If he's violent towards you that's a choice he is making. Most adults can have a disagreement without one of them physically assaulting the other.
Do not let him know that you are planning on leaving him. Women in violent relationships are most at risk when their partner tells them they are intending to leave. Speak to somebody in real life whom you can trust, and consider what you need to do practically to leave.
Unfortunately you're right, his violent actions are likely to worsen. Has he ever been physically violent to you in addition to those incidents listed? Has he ever put his hands around your throat?
Pinching you? That's bizarrely violent. I'm sorry but you need to get out of this relationship. He sounds unhinged.
I think you're right to be worried that the pinching and throwing things could lead to more OP and I don't think you can afford to hang around to see how far he will go. You're right, leaving will 'mess everything up' but you have to weigh up what will be worse, disentangling the life, house etc you have with this man now or finding a way out later on, when the abuse has escalated, he has broken down your spirit, strength and self esteem and you're living in fear of the next time he beats the living day lights out of you.
I'm sorry to put it so bluntly OP but this is how it starts and I think you know that or you wouldn't be worried by his behaviour. Dadaist is spot on, threatening to make things difficult if you leave is a massive red flag even without the other stuff, he's already trying to control you and it will only get worse. I know leaving is hard when you have so much together but is it really harder than living in fear of escalating abuse and violence?
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