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Anxiety over past affair

(26 Posts)
Notgreattimes Mon 17-Oct-16 21:22:55

Please do not judge me because I absolutely hate myself at the moment, I had an affair 8 years ago, with someone I know, i eneded after 3 weeks, got counselling, and have spent the last 8 years committed to my marriage, in between bouts of anxiety and depression caused my my guilt, But a year ago someone confronted me that they knew, whilst they have said they will tell no one, im scared they will, we live in a small town, im now so scared my husband and friends will hear about this, I have ruined my life my husbands (although he doesn't know) my reputation, everything. I don't know what im asking, i know i should confess, I know no good will come of confessing, it will kill my husband, im in such a state.please has anyone ever been in this situation?

HappyJanuary Mon 17-Oct-16 21:50:40

It sounds like the secret is destroying you even without the risk of this person telling your DH. Add that into the mix, along with the possibility that other people may know if this person does, and I think the only course of action available to you is telling your DH.

He may not forgive you or want to stay married but that's the chance you took when you cheated. IMO there's more chance of him forgiving you if you come clean voluntarily.

BarbaraRoberts Mon 17-Oct-16 21:55:31

I do think you need to confess to your DH or this secret will hang over you forever more.

Notgreattimes Mon 17-Oct-16 21:57:02

Thank you for your reply happy January, I know that was the risk 8 years ago, I just don't want to lose him

TheNaze73 Mon 17-Oct-16 23:09:56

You need to tell him for your sanity & also to do the right thing

Livelovebehappy Mon 17-Oct-16 23:10:28

I would deny, deny, deny. Confessing would serve no purpose other than to ruin your marriage - because of course your DH will be devastated, the trust will be gone and the reality is he may walk. The chances are it might not even come out. Lots of affairs go undiscovered, even when others are aware, so I would just continue with your life, and just prepare to deny it if ever it rears its ugly head. I think if i was in your DH's situation I really would prefer to live in ignorance - it only happened once, for three weeks, and you have been faithful ever since.

Jclm Mon 17-Oct-16 23:11:20

I think you do need to tell hubby. Can you get some counselling to help you do this?

mumto2two Tue 18-Oct-16 09:22:31

While I do think you need to speak to someone about this, as it is clearly affecting you deeply, I personally would not tell your husband. It is long past, you are obviously committed to your husband, it may do more harm than good. Speak to a counsellor first, on your own, and then decide xx

spudlike1 Tue 18-Oct-16 21:26:17

Do not tell your husband

spudlike1 Tue 18-Oct-16 21:28:41

Telling him to ease your guilt will not help .
The affair was brief, you ended it , youve suffered from guilt for years . Take steps to deal with the anxiety and deppression these are the real issues .

spudlike1 Tue 18-Oct-16 21:30:13

If your husband loves you, you should open up to him about your deppression and he should be supportive.

FurryLittleTwerp Tue 18-Oct-16 21:37:51

Who is the person that knows, & why would they let you know that they know? How did they find out?

Bagina Tue 18-Oct-16 21:42:18

Oh god, do not tell him! If the person that knows ever says anything then just deny it and say they're lying.

neighbourhoodwitch Tue 18-Oct-16 22:22:08

I urge you not to tell your Dh but speak to a confidante (counsellor. ..again) if you need to. I am sorry you are suffering & there is a 'threat' over you but IF it is ever brought up, deny, deny, deny.

Lunar1 Tue 18-Oct-16 22:29:15

Who confronted you?

missmalteaser Tue 18-Oct-16 23:22:35

I came clean, my marriage ended and I have regretted it ever since. DON'T DO IT. It is in the past. Nothing good can come from this. You unburden yourself and destroy your DH and your marriage. Only confess if you are willing to lose everything. I have never come to terms with the fall out of my confession. If easing the pain of the guilt is worth risking the end of your marriage then do it. It can never be undone.

talesofthevillage Tue 18-Oct-16 23:45:47

Op, be aware your DH may not believe that it was only once a long time ago. I've done a lot of reading about cheating (my ex was up to something) and the general belief is cheaters lie, cheaters minimise and cheaters don't change. Okay, there are exceptions to the rule but your DH may not want to hear it.

MagicChanges Wed 19-Oct-16 00:10:10

Oh come on OP - a 3 week fling 8 years ago and last year someone said they knew but wouldn't tell and they haven't..............so NO don't tell your husband. Who was this person that has upset you so much and why do you think anyone is going to tell after so many months. I think this sounds like anxiety and it's feeding off itself as anxiety does. NO-one knows what happened only you and the other person unless of course the person who confronted you has proof positive.

I agree with the poster who said the real problem here is that you are suffering bouts of depression and anxiety rooted in guilt for something that happened for a very short time 8 years ago. You need to forgive yourself - can you afford to have some therapy to allow yourself the opportunity of learning to leave this in the past where it belongs and move on with your life.

IF someone was trying to scare you or worse still blackmail you then yes, I'd probably say tell your DH but that's not happening so NO don't tell. There is nothing to be gained unless you think that would alleviate your guilt and that is something that could be discussed in therapy.

ProseccoBitch Wed 19-Oct-16 01:28:51

Don't tell your husband OP.

Notgreattimes Wed 19-Oct-16 08:19:42

I have basically admitted to this other person through how i have acted, I've told them im scared, im worried this will get out, I am really grateful for all your replys x

faffalotty Wed 19-Oct-16 11:47:46

I think you should tell your husband. What reason do you give to him for your anxiety and depression?

oleoleoleole Wed 19-Oct-16 11:55:24

Never tell your husband, your life will get worse.

You don't have to have a reason for anxiety and depression.

There is probably no proof of the affair, if this person who knows speaks out you "deny, deny, deny". Don't let them have a hold over you because of this. Be strong, you've punished yourself enough, it's over, it's gone, don't let it ruin your future.

RiceCrispieTreats Wed 19-Oct-16 11:55:30

Deception is never good, but in this case telling your husband would be selfish: done to relieve your own guilt and anxiety, and causing him to carry hurt feelings and devastation until the end of his days.

So while it was very wrong to be unfaithful to him, and it remains wrong to lie to him, it would be even more wrong, imo, to unburden yourself to the person that it will hurt the most.

I think you need to find a counsellor to discuss your feelings, and also to get a grip on where your responsibilities lay.

faffalotty Wed 19-Oct-16 12:13:21

I've been on the other side of this, trying to help someone suffering from anxiety and depression caused by their affair and believing that the reason that they were unhappy was my fault and that I wasn't good enough for them.

I wish I had known sooner rather than enduring it for years.

IsNotGold Wed 19-Oct-16 16:51:12

That's an interesting point faffa and that happened to me too.
You have just made me realise that OW may be struggling with this as her DH doesn't know.

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