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My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

(1001 Posts)
RedStripeLass Mon 17-Oct-16 19:05:02

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Myusernameismyusername Mon 17-Oct-16 19:14:05

It's the pot. I read your whole post until that bit thinking god what has happened to this poor man and then saw that and it was like AH HA moment.
He's moody because he's addicted to a drug and possibly alcohol. He's in a constant state of hungover, stoned, skint or sleeping. That's an addicts way of living. And people who come and say it's not addictive, it is and it's something people come to depend on and need psychologically to get through the day, any kind of stress.
Please please do not have another child when you aren't meeting the needs of the one you have. You are poor, stressed and depressed at this way of living.
He needs help but he has to want it.
You are now completely mothering him even getting him dressed. Have you tried getting him to the GP?
Is he in danger of losing his job due to the smell of pot/lack of washing?

I think you need to consider whether this is a man you want around your child (I haven't even touched on the fact it's illegal, and he is consorting with drug dealers and could run up a massive debt putting you in danger).
He is possibly quite ill but you have to take some control here.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 17-Oct-16 19:19:33

You cannot help him if he does not want to help his own self and you cannot make someone access therapy. Stop enabling him as well by providing him with clean clothes, that is only giving you a false sense of control.

You can only save yourself and your child from this ongoing misery he inflicts on you. Have you now asked him to leave and if not why?. He needs to be out of your home as of now. Where he goes is not your problem; your DDs welfare is far more important than he is. He has shown no consideration here for either of you.

What is in this relationship for you now?. Nothing good from what you have written here. Its well and truly over.

You say he works; well for how much longer?.

He is likely to be further self medicating any depression with drugs and alcohol. Alcohol is also a depressant and that is not going to be helping either. That is only going to make things worse for you and your child.
You're also poor because he is smoking family money away on drugs.

He is now dragging you and his child down with him into his pit. This cannot be allowed to continue, infact the situation is untenable.

RedStripeLass Mon 17-Oct-16 19:23:16

Thank you for answering. I and to an extent DP are meeting our daughters needs. She's healthy, happy, and packed off to pre school every day. When I'm not working we go out and have fun too.

He isn't (as far as I know ) in any danger of loosing his job.

I'm not mothering him but just trying to keep a level of respectability.

I used to think pot was harmless but this year his consumption has increased so much it's really having a negative effect on him.

RedStripeLass Mon 17-Oct-16 19:33:45

Our relationship is not over. It's been repeatedly battered over this year but it's salvageable. He's a caring, loving man when he's well.

mumofthemonsters808 Mon 17-Oct-16 19:35:30

It does sound like depression:lack of self care, sleeping, detaching himself from friends, lack of appetite and the smoking/drinking will make things ten times worse, it may block the pain (possibly from the grief) but it will create a zombie like existence. The only positive, is that he is still managing to go to work, I hate to say this, but, if he does not get some help, you'll probably find this will stop soon.

I'd have to lay my cards on the table and tell him that I couldn't live like this anymore and that something had to change. I'd start with a Gp appointment, I wouldn't even mention therapy, because he'll probably dismiss it immediately.Id literally take it one step at a time, getting him to attend the appointment is your first hurdle.

I feel for you, living with someone like this is very hard and it's emotionally and physically draining. I'd put your plans for another baby on hold, without sounding rude and offensive, I'm surprised he's still managing to perform because usually interest in sex disappears and sometimes excessive smoking causes erectile dysfunction..It does not mean you won't ever have another baby because these situations can be changed if the right help and guidance is found.

Make sure you look after yourself, you're carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders.Unburden yourself to family and friends, come on here, make sure you share your load. Eat well and lots of fresh air.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 17-Oct-16 19:39:04

You are not meeting her needs if his pot and booze habits are plunging you into poverty

RedStripeLass Mon 17-Oct-16 19:40:54

Another child is pure fantasy. I know it's not in anyone's best interests at this point.

I've tried being brutally honest with him but he has selective hearing!

I know I need to look after my own mental health. I feel like I'm collapsing in slow motion. I've got to hold it all together. I've started confiding about it with friends and family to a point.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 17-Oct-16 19:43:09

I think you are in some denial about how bad it has really got for you because you were quite defensive up thread.
I think really accepting the impact this is having on you and your daughter would help you see and think more clearly

BastardGoDarkly Mon 17-Oct-16 19:49:24

I think you need to sit him down and tell him if he doesn't go to the GP, you're leaving, or he is, and mean it.

Your relationship is salvageable now, but what about another year of this? 3? 5? He needs help, hopefully to stop the pot too, but I guess the GP will advise on anti depressants and stopping the weed, and when/how to do this.

He's being totally fucking selfish, and this will kill all your love for him.

misscph1973 Mon 17-Oct-16 19:49:59

Dear OP, sorry to hear about your DP. I also think he's depressed. It's very hard for a lot of men to admit it if they are depressed, and it's a huge step to make an appointment with a GP. You mention ill health and bereavement, can you elaborate?

I totally understand that you are having a hard time with the burden you are currently experiencing. I am not sure exactly what to say, but hang in there, if you believe the relationship is salvageable.

I think in a situation like yours you need to think that you would probably yourself have needed support. The question is what kind of support your DP needs. Could his parents help? Any other relatives?

I am guessing you have already talked to him about taking a break from the pot and alcohol?

RedStripeLass Mon 17-Oct-16 19:57:43

I just don't want to depress him further by telling him I'm contemplating taking (in his words) the two things, me and dd that are keeping him going.

The pot won't stop. He's always been a pot smoker but not like this. He is incredibly selfish but it's one of those character traits you learn to work around in a long term relationship.

I really do this mental health is at the root of it and yes it seems so difficult for some men to admit that.

BastardGoDarkly Mon 17-Oct-16 20:00:24

Truth is, you and dd are not really keeping him going are you? He sounds utterly miserable, he needs help.

RedStripeLass Mon 17-Oct-16 20:01:46

He has a chronic but not life threatening condition and his father died. Both terribly identifying so if anyone recognises me please contact me away from MN. I'm beyond hiding all this now.

RedStripeLass Mon 17-Oct-16 20:02:49

I guess we're not. Sad to think I can't help by just being there.

MaybeDoctor Mon 17-Oct-16 20:17:19

You don't have to work around this.

Regarding meeting her needs - just imagine what you could do for her with that £70 per week? Not just now when she is three and everything is cheap/free:

Lovely, high quality reading books
Trips to museums and attractions
Holidays
Music tuition
Gymnastics or ballet
swimming lessons
School uniform, coats and shoes
Savings account for her future

Or, if the money isn't an issue, I find it hard to believe that a man who struggles to wash is reading to her each day, doing jigsaws, drawing and writing, crafts and games with her...?

Pre-school on its own isn't enough - the evidence shows that parental involvement and her early home learning environment (all those fun things above - learning through play) has a massive impact on children's future outcomes. You might be doing all this for her, but you would find it a whole lot easier to provide for her without a hungover, drugged, depressed waster- man taking up your time, space, money and energy.

RedStripeLass Mon 17-Oct-16 20:27:14

The money is an issue. We are struggling to pay bills let alone extra activities for dd.
No, you are right. He does not actively play with her etc. I try so hard to fill that void.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 17-Oct-16 20:34:13

I do really feel for you because I can see the more you post the more you realise. Keep talking because I think although it's very hard it is helping you

RedStripeLass Mon 17-Oct-16 20:48:21

I'm not in total denial and I'm sorry about being defensive. As goes our past relationship we had so much worth fighting for. It really hurts to see him slowly fucking up all our lives.

ImperialBlether Mon 17-Oct-16 20:49:34

Don't be too sure he won't lose his job. He must stink of weed. If he's like that at work and they realise what's going on, they can fire him easily.

I couldn't live with it. I'm not saying the relationship itself would have to end, but I couldn't live with someone who was like that. He's damaging his own mental health, starving the family of funds and miserable to boot.

RedStripeLass Mon 17-Oct-16 21:02:14

You're absolutely right. Because I don't smoke I'm much more aware of the smell and hate it clinging to both our clothes. I worry that her nursery school must notice it on him and the way he looks.

I'm sure it impacts negatively on his mental health but it's a hard point to raise as he needs it as a crutch to get through life so can only see it as a positive.

ravenmum Mon 17-Oct-16 21:07:51

One reason that he is able to pretend to himself that he doesn't need to change or get help is that you are still there, holding him halfway up. It will sound harsh but perhaps you need to let him fall. Let him realise that he has to do something. Stop supporting him; even leave, telling him that you are sorry but he is giving you no choice but to go.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 17-Oct-16 21:15:13

That would worry me a lot, DD smelling of it and someone picking up on it.

RedStripeLass Tue 18-Oct-16 07:38:25

Sorry, just seen more replies.
I don't want to let him fall. Surely he needs love and support rather than me just giving up on him. We've had such a tough year. I couldn't pile yet more misery on top of that.

myuser it is a genuine concern for me too. I think he just doesn't notice the way the smell hangs around.

Matchingbluesocks Tue 18-Oct-16 07:46:57

OP I had a different take on your post before the subsequent replies.

Both of you working, with a young child, is really, really hard. Neither of us have the bereavement and health issues you are dealing with yet are sometimes so frazzled we neglect basic personal care (forgetting to brush teeth, not eating, that sort of thing)

Add in the emotional problems and I wonder whether you are just experiencing and understandable "tough time". MN posters are quick to tell people to LTB but it's unrealistic to expect to go through life without tough times. IME you either wait them out, or wait them out and actively participate in trying to fix them (get out the house, in a calm place and talk about the order of your household and what you can do to improve it)

Only you know the deal with the pot. Lots of people smoke pot, and lots of people use a crutch like pot/ alcohol when they're depressed. It doesn't necessarily mean a long term problem and again, it's hard to know where he'll be with that in say, 12 months.

My DH had a breakdown about 10 years ago. It got very bad before I managed to get him to attend the GP (and had to go with him, because someone who thinks they're fine won't adequately convey to a GP that they need help) he refused medication but started CBT and a very short course basically fixed him up. Was amazing really.

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