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wwyd? Need help

(11 Posts)
Rugbycomet Mon 17-Oct-16 18:52:33

Bit of background....husband lives and works in a different country to me. We are not in the UK. I don't see him a lot and when I do, I travel as he works.

Where I live, although I am rather nomadic, we have a dear friend whose husband died last year. We were great friends of theirs and still with her. She's ex flight staff and we decided a good few months ago that she and I would go away( long haul) over the period of the anniversary of her husband's death. My husband was and still is in agreement with this. However, my husband has now got a business trip to the same city and we will overlap by about four days. He has naturally said that I will stay with him.

I feel awkward about this as I am effectively having a cheap holiday with my friend due to her concessions and we will be sharing a room and I will be paying half. It was also planned so that she wouldn't be home over the anniversary of her husband's death but I also feel that I should be with my husband. I suppose I could do half half, but although she's extremely capable and I am sure would understand, I am feeling as though it could appear I'm taking the piss.

Any help would be great...thanks.

Opentooffers Mon 17-Oct-16 19:20:08

Your DH has got a business trip, to the same far flung City as you, at the same time - what are the chances! ;-). Actually, he may have sweetly engineered it that way so he could see you, without thinking about the times you must be spending without him, being totally independent in life.
Just be honest with your friend about the timeline, he arranged it after you had booked? Did he land it on you after or tell you that he was trying to arrange a clash?
It would seem daft to not meet your DH as he's there, how many days are you there in total? Is 4 days a big overlap? I'd say that if he is on business, that gives you plenty of time in the day to spend with your friend and then meet up with DH in the evening on your own the odd time and perhaps the 3 of you together other times. I'm sure she'll understand for a couple of evenings. If this is extra to the time you were expecting to spend with your DH, any time he sees you should be a bonus to him, not an expectation.

HuskyLover1 Mon 17-Oct-16 19:30:19

Surely the three of you just meet for dinner, on the nights he is there? He won't be around during the day, if he's working. But you stay in the room with her. And if the actual anniversary of her DH death falls on a night your DH is there, you do not see him that night.

Rugbycomet Mon 17-Oct-16 19:35:21

Thanks for your, he didn't and couldn't engineer it. It just so happens that the people he needs to see are available and they have organised it.

I guess I'll play this by ear. He will not be adverse at all if we are all together each evening but as most men, would prefer if i stayed with him at his hotel rather than with my friend!

ImperialBlether Mon 17-Oct-16 19:57:53

I think you'd be wrong to do that, OP. This is a holiday with your friend. Yes, you could meet your husband for the odd meal, but your holiday is with her, not with him. I would be very annoyed if you were my friend, on a holiday for such a sad reason, and you spent half of it with your husband.

Rugbycomet Mon 17-Oct-16 20:14:07

That's my feeling exactly if I'm honest imperial......I'd feel the same if I was in her shoes.

happypoobum Mon 17-Oct-16 20:16:52

I would feel very uncomfortable with this. Could you and your friend transfer your trip to another destination? Just tell DH that she had to change it as it was a concession and the flight got overbooked?

No way would I stay with my husband when I had arranged to stay with a friend in the circumstances you described. Sorry but I think that would be pretty shitty.

tribpot Mon 17-Oct-16 20:19:29

I agree with Imperial - this is a time for you to be with your friend as she goes through the traumatic anniversary. Your DH needs to take a back seat - something I get the impression he is not used to doing given the comment He has naturally said that I will stay with him. - er, since when is he the boss of you?

You need to let your friend know she is not alone. What kind of message does it send if you bugger off to your DH whilst she mourns the loss of hers?

I fully agree you should see your DH whilst he's there, that would be deeply odd.

HeddaGarbled Mon 17-Oct-16 21:26:21

This trip was arranged to support your friend at a really difficult time for her, the first anniversary of her husband's death. I think it would be awful to abandon her at this time. Imagine her on her own in the hotel while you are off with your very much alive husband. It would be cruel and insensitive to do this to her. You know this. You need to tell your husband this.

I also don't think that you should expect your friend to spend any time at all with both of you as this will just be emphasising her loss at a very difficult time for her.

The incredibly unfortunate and coincidental timing and location of your husband's trip should not detract from your obligation to your friend at this time.

TheNaze73 Mon 17-Oct-16 23:14:35

Your friend has to come first here

Rugbycomet Tue 18-Oct-16 07:59:14

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. You have all said what I was thinking. Of course my priority is to my friend. We will have great fun.

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