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Very lazy / irresponsible DP - how bad is this, in the grand scheme of things?(43 Posts)
This might be a long one, so bear with me...
DP and I have been together for about 15 years, and have two young DCs. However, I'm starting to seriously question our future together.
The problem is that he's incredibly lazy and disorganised. This manifests itself in lots of different ways:
- He stays up into the early hours watching TV / playing video games / or just snoozes on the sofa. He doesn't actually need very much sleep so is able to function fine on about 4 hours, but I do often need to wake him up in the morning, otherwise he'd be late for work.
- He only does things around the house when asked, and even then I would have to ask multiple times. Most of the time, I either just do it myself or it doesn't get done. I'm keen not to exaggerate so I'd say this is the case about 60-70% of the time. The only exception to this is cooking, which he enjoys doing, so does that willingly.
- There are low-level things he simply can't see for himself need doing - cleaning of course, it wouldn't enter his mind to pick something up off the floor unless I asked him to, even if it meant stepping over it. I'm also seeing that he has a blind spot with the DC's things too - most mornings there are reading logs to be signed, PE kits to gather, homework to corral etc. But somehow that all falls to me to sort out, even though we have similar responsibilities at work. Through years of
nagging asking nicely, our bed now gets made by one of us before we leave the house, and he will occasionally tackle laundry once he's run out of clean pants. But he would never think to change sheets, towels, or do any of the hundreds of little household things that just have to get done (in my opinion).
- He doesn't do basic admin stuff like renewing insurance, paying bills etc. He either puts it off until the last minute, or neglects to do it at all. This can have quite major ramifications - in the past he has had poor credit due to unpaid bills (our house is in my name). We've been uninsured at key points due to his negligence. And last week, our car was towed away because he hadn't paid the car tax. That cost hundreds of pounds to sort out, which is just such an unnecessary expense.
- The car itself is a major sore point - we drive a ridiculous 4x4 that he struggles to park on our road, despite me having NOT given him permission to when he asked. There was nothing wrong with our old car and we were meant to be saving up for some renovations. He bought it anyway, which I still think is downright disrespectful. But he likes new shiny toys and just wanted it so badly that he couldn't think straight. He's apologised since but things like that make me feel uncomfortable with him having access to our joint account.
- He stopped exercising a few years ago - when we met he was very active and played rugby / went to the gym regularly. He now spends most of his time lying on the sofa - he's made a big dent in the cushions in his favourite spot! If I'm honest I find this an incredibly unattractive quality. It's also very frustrating to see him sitting there with not a care in the world when there are dozens of productive things he could be doing instead. I do quite a lot of sport and try to eat fairly healthily and he's the polar opposite. He eats terribly for a few months at a time, then crash diets to lose the weight he's put on, then starts the cycle again. He has a few aches and pains but never gets round to booking an appointment to get them seen to.
- This isn't a core part of the issue but it's just another thing that seriously irritates me - he has to have a screen / noise on at ALL times. So when he wakes up he puts on an incredibly annoying talk radio station. I've asked if we can have some silence but somehow he 'forgets' most mornings. I follow him around the house turning off appliances. He also eats all meals in front of the television. Which means I sometimes do, which I would prefer not to. But if I didn't we wouldn't see much of each other. Apart from being annoying, it sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't value time / conversation with me.
I'm veering off the subject now, but I think that gives a good sense of what our problems are. I'm starting to think perhaps our lifestyles just aren't compatible, and that I would be happier if we lived apart.
Now for balance, I should list all the great things about him:
- He's a very good father. He loves his children dearly, and other than a couple of blind spots (not bothering to read with them, not knowing about medical appointments etc), he takes very good care of the DCs and happily spends lots of time with them.
- He's very good at his job and makes a good living from it.
- He's my best friend, and has been for the last 15 years. When times are good, we laugh lots together. He's always been very supportive of me doing as much as I've wanted to in my career / hobbies.
But on the other hand, I feel that he takes me for granted, and I live in constant fear that his irresponsibility will land us in serious trouble. Ultimately, I don't feel like I can trust him, and to some extent he's turning me into a person that I don't like - I feel like I'm close to being at the end of my tether.
Am I over-reacting? Is this something that I'll just have to learn to live with? I recognise that things could be far worse, and there are people on here dealing with much more unpleasant circumstances - but it's still something that is making me unhappy and anxious.
It's also not the sort of thing that I can talk to anyone in real life about, so I'm just interested in hearing some other opinions - thank you if you even made it this far!
Yay right because all men are like this. NOT.
Yes he usctaking you fur granted a d because you have always done everything, he doesn't feel the need to 'see' the mess.
Enough to finish a relationship? Not now. But yes if he carries on treating you like a maid even though he has been told it can MOT continue and it's important enough fur you that you are thinking of divorcing over it.
He sounds like a teenager, that must be exhausting for you.
I would throwing the radio out the window, or threatening to. Could you get him headphones for Christmas?
He needs to have consequences for his actions. It's bollocks that all men are like that.
That is not men for you! It is not my DH or my brothers or my friends' DHs.
Have you read the incompetent husbands thread?
You are his mum and he is Kevin the Teenager. Do you even feel attracted to him?
All of his good points would still be valid as a co-parent.
Laziness is the one of the worst characteristics for me, he takes you for granted, is a slob, does fuck all responsibility wise and expects you to be happy - I wouldn't be but then I'd not want an adult partner to be my child, I'd find it massively unattractive.
You need to tell him this is all making you feel you may want to separate, if he still continues to treat you like a maid and PA then you may have no choice.
I know that not all men are like this, as I see my friends' DHs being much more proactive about sharing household tasks. But we all have our strengths and weaknesses I suppose.
I think he's slowly wearing me down over the years - if this was the first time I'd noticed it, then it wouldn't be so bad. But I say the same thing again and again, to the point where I'm bored of my own voice. What could a consequence be that would make him truly realise that this is a serious issue for me, and to DO something about it? He tries really hard for a couple of weeks, then everything goes back to normal.
Run, no! I'll find the thread now - I definitely feel like I have 3 DCs to look after sometimes!
adora - sadly, I think that's exactly the direction that we're heading in...
Omg are you married to my dp?!
Does he realise how this is making you feel & that your questioning the future of your relationship?
You've got some real strengths though, i think they could be enough for me personally.
My dp has never been my best friend & I'm ashamed to admit he's not a good dad.
Sounds like my ex. I tried to talk to him so many times and things would get better for a little while but then stop. It was exhausting. I remember people saying life would be so much harder as a single mother, but instead it's much easier and I'm much happier because I only have one child to look after, not two.
You wouldn't be asking if you weren't already unhappy. I'm not going to say LTB, but you need to make it very clear to him that it's on your mind. It might be a good idea to try counselling.
What about the romantic side of it? Is he lazy on that side too? I don't mean the traditional flowers or wine etc, but does he do little things that say he's noticed or cares? Even it's offering the occasional cup of tea, or if you've got young kids, letting you sleep in if you've had a rough night without asking?
Sorry to hear that Winnie - what ARE his plus points?
I've just read the other thread, and I'm not sure if it makes me feel better or worse to know that this is so common. I could have written most of those posts myself, word for word! It's an epidemic!!
Mishaps what nonsense.
OP I can totally see why this is wearing you down. Taken in isolation these incidents are annoying but over time there's a real erosion of respect and trust - and probably of attraction.
Why do stupid women come on and say ` that's men for you` - in other words, your partner is an asshole and you are excusing due to his gender - that's not something you should be advertising believe me!
OP, I think you need a trial separation to give him the kick up the arse he's been needing for years.
This is why I continually hammer it home to my DD over and over to dump lazy men, always, as soon as. They never change, they just get worse. I couldn't have any respect for a person who is too lazy to be an adult in all aspects of life. It's not fucking rocket science.
expat I think that's very sound advice. It should probably be taught in schools!
And thanks all - your reactions tell me that this is something I should take seriously. I have wondered whether I'm asking for too much, and I'm now confident that that isn't the case.
I'm also reeling a bit from reading that thread as it gives such a clear picture of where this could end up. I would LOVE for him to see what effect his behaviour is having, and to sort it out before it's too late. I love our family when it works, and would like for us to stay together if we can get this sorted out.
I'm going to sit him down and in a very straightforward way tell him what I've told you. I'll try and do it tonight if I can, and see what he says.
Thanks again for the support everyone...
Another one here who's useless at house stuff, I'm making sure he gets lots of practise!
However he does do the bills, work full time, great fun to be with, he is also the kindest man I ever met.
In lots of ways he sounds like a huge pain in the arse but you say 'our car' was uninsured and then towed away for no tax, surely that's a joint responsibility even if it's technically in his name.
expat actually some of them change. DH certainly did.
But it was hard work and he had shown he was able to do it as he has lived on his own before.
I would be much much more careful about a man who is moving from home where mummy is doing everything to his gf that will end up doing the same.
Nerr, the car is in his name. That means that all the reminders go to him. I reckon that makes it his responsibility, in the same way that I would deal appropriately with anything that was addressed to me. He confirmed many times that he would renew it, but never did. It's our joint responsibility in that I drive the car, so I could presumably be stopped for being uninsured / untaxed, the thought of which scares me.
I thought it was quits telling that you said you didn't "give him permission" to buy the car.
Permission??! That's not really something that should come into any well-balanced adult relationship, but if IS something you'd find in adult/child relationships.
Unwittingly, you've become his mum. Or even his dad.
I think the only thing you could do is back wayyyyyyy off, stop covering for his mistakes/laziness, and ensure that nothing he does really affects you. But I can't see how you'd do that without splitting up.
Really though - think about that use of the word "permission" in your post. I think the crux of this dynamic is in that one little word.
I will never understand why people tolerate laziness around the house.
He's been like this for 15 years, OP. He's not going to change. You need to decide whether you can tolerate it (I doubt it - it will wear you down) or whether it's a dealbreaker (it should be).
I did hesitate over the word 'permission' for exactly those reasons.
But then I thought yes, I absolutely should need to grant permission for someone to spend a substantial amount of our joint money on a non-essential purchase. If it was 100% his money then permission wouldn't come into it. Then it would be me advising him, but it would ultimately be his decision. Do you see the distinction? That's how I view it anyway. I still feel very much aggrieved by the whole thing!
Also, just re-read your post, whats. I agree with you entirely!
Unfortunately my exH was/is like this but also had the opinion that all of it was my job anyway so never made any effort to sort himself out. We went through marriage counselling but none of the promises he made turned into actions. I asked him to leave twice, he came back both times promising to change. In the end I got sick and tired of being treated with such a lack of respect and divorced him.
I think the key thing here is to spell out exactly how all these things add up into a big ball of resentment that will kill your marriage unless he makes some radical, permanent changes. If he doesn't get his butt in gear after that then he's not going to.
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