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My massive problem with DH's ex-wife...

(52 Posts)
user1476706647 Mon 17-Oct-16 14:18:26

A bit of background - I have been married to my DH for 5 years, together for 9 years and we've known each other all my life (family friends). He was with his ex on and off for about 8 years; they’d often split up and get back together, having girlfriends/boyfriends in between, but when they split the last time it was for good and she has since married and had a DS (long story there but I won't go into it!). They have a DD who lives with us as and DH and I have a DD who is 5.

Anyway, we had a fairly amicable relationship with his ex, contact was mainly about their DD but when their DD came to live with us things got ugly and his ex now hates me and blames me for the situation. According to their DD, her mum is unhappy in her marriage, wishes "things were different" and has told their DD that she "still cares for him" (meaning my DH). She started to contact DH, sometimes late at night when she knows I'll be in bed, to ask him if he fancied a chat because she's had a drink and she's bored... (He fobbed her off saying he was off to bed as he had to be up early). She sent him a Facebook friend request (which he accepted because I told him to) and she’s also added him on Xbox (she thinks of herself as some kind of gamer girl). Last month she sent him a series of selfies via snapchat, which he didn't open as he doesn't really know how to use the app (he downloaded it so he could send me funny pics of him and our DD) she then text him to ask why he hadn't opened her snapchat messages! And now she's text him to say she's looking into getting gig tickets for their DD, and would he like to go with them??!! He declined as he can't get the time off work, and he wouldn’t have gone even if he could. Whenever she texts she never mentions me, it seems like she is pretending that I don't exist and I'm pretty sure she thinks I don't know that she's contacting my DH (DH has told me that she's a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket!). I'm pretty sure she wants to get back with my DH as she has openly told their DD that she misses him and still cares for him. He maintains that he has no feelings for her and that nothing she does will ever come between us but I can't help worrying about her actions and the way she seems to think she has some sort of claim to him. I know I am probably being paranoid and that I should just leave her to it. And I do trust my DH explicitly. It's her I don't trust. Do I tell her to back off or should I leave her to her delusions and trust that DH will deal with anything inappropriate if it happens? I'm also pretty sure her DH knows nothing about her contact with my DH, and I don't think he'd be very happy about it!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

2014newme Mon 17-Oct-16 14:20:57

Why did you tell him to be friends on fb?

Aderyn2016 Mon 17-Oct-16 14:24:08

Your dh has to tell her that he is not interested - that he doesn't want to go for a drink with her, to concerts or have snapchat messages. All the time that he implies (by his inaction) that he is okay with her asking, then she will continue to disregard you. He is the one allowing her to do so because he isn't making it clear that you are more important to him now than their shared history. You have to ask yourself why he isn't speaking up.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 17-Oct-16 14:24:34

If you do trust your husband implicitly, and he's not encouraging her at all, then just leave her to it. If you start telling her to back off then you look unsure, and you'll just feed into her drama

Ignore ignore ignore

TheNaze73 Mon 17-Oct-16 14:49:00

He needs to block her. I would never dream of being a FB friend with my ex.

The exw sounds like she needs to move on

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 17-Oct-16 14:54:02

Buy his dd her own phone to keep in contact with her dm and to make plans etc. Block her from all his numbers. And from all social media.

adora1 Mon 17-Oct-16 14:58:12

You do nothing, you OH needs to tell her straight to stop making a play for him, he's with you and nothing will change that; he can be amicable with her but he needs to tell her to stop with the come ons.

user1476706647 Mon 17-Oct-16 14:58:29

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 their DD has her own mobile, she just ignores her mum (they don't get on) if the ex messages their DD and doesn't get a response, she then calls or texts my DH to get their DD to reply....

Bob19702 Mon 17-Oct-16 14:59:02

I bought my DD her own phone and pay the contract so I don't need to contact her through me exw, we still contact each other about parenting but nothing cosy from both sides . It's maybe time he grew some and told her politely that he isn't interested and to keep things formal only ....agree with FB etc why would you want an ex as a friend 😕

user1476706647 Mon 17-Oct-16 15:00:10

@2014newme I told him to add her on FB so I could snoop on her profile (yes, pathetic I know) he doesn't use FB very much and so I use his to see what she's getting up to.

Bob19702 Mon 17-Oct-16 15:01:17

Why would you be interested in what she is upto ?

user1476706647 Mon 17-Oct-16 15:02:02

Aderyn2016 I think the reason he doesn't say anything is because she's a mental case and no matter what he said to her she would skew it to suit herself. He doesn't do drama, so he's happy to just ignore her (unfortunately. though he know's how much it bothers me and he assures me he has no interest in her)

user1476706647 Mon 17-Oct-16 15:03:10

Bob19702 because I don't trust her. At least if I can her profile, I can see if she messages him (which she hasn't, at least not on FB)

PatrolPaw Mon 17-Oct-16 15:03:32

I agree with above

Where families are broken and they can't all play nicely and get on with each other i feel, There needs to be a division, i see an ex with children as a professional arrangement where there are personal boundaries to adhere to..

This in my head is, no social media 'friendships' no contact unless it is about the children and i feel even this should be in text or email so noone gets things twisted.

Your situation sounds awful and i think that even though you trust tour DH over time her actions will eat away at you and one occasion where she gets to twist something and it does end up affecting you

You need to explain how you feel to DH, men sometimes just don't see through the bullshit (sweeping statement,apologies)

2014newme Mon 17-Oct-16 15:04:32

Why do you care what she is up to? 🙄
You encouraged her and him to be fb pals now it has backfired.

user1476706647 Mon 17-Oct-16 15:06:18

adora1 I'm not sure my DH sees it as a come on, he's slightly naive to her intentions. And maybe I read too much into things, but after her telling their DD that she still cares for him and wishes things were different (which their DD told me, because she knows what her mum is like) I can't help thinking she's plotting somthing to get my DH back.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 17-Oct-16 15:08:41

You know no-one can 'steal' another person, right? He would have to want to go

Lumpylumperson Mon 17-Oct-16 15:09:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1476706647 Mon 17-Oct-16 15:11:17

PatrolPaw I know what you mean, it's a very difficult situation all round. I wish I could just tell her to f*ck off but that would make me the bad guy and so far I've done absolutely nothing wrong in terms of upsetting her or causing issues. But it's getting to the point where i'm constantly checking his phone to see if she's been in touch and I'm paranoid about what she'd do if they were in a room togther alone (she has turned up at our house on the pretence of seeing their DD, and it's always early in the morning on a weekend when I'm still in bed). I just don't trust her. And even if he told her to only text about their DD, she would still send him texts about other things.

user1476706647 Mon 17-Oct-16 15:13:20

Lumpylumperson thanks, I know I need to stop it with the FB stalkering! I'll ask him to unfriend her and if she texts again I'll ask him to tell her that it isn't appropriate as they aren't friends, they're exes.

NovemberInDailyFailLand Mon 17-Oct-16 15:13:41

It sort of seems like there is more to it, that you must be a bit suspicious of your husband. This woman can't just 'plot to get him back' like the Child Catcher out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

PatrolPaw Mon 17-Oct-16 15:18:50


No trusting relationship involves checking phones and snopping on Facebook

You need to stop that, as it is very unhealthy and eventually will cause you some serious issues.

There is obviously a lot of history, and quite possibly if you are able to approach her in a reasonable woman to woman way you may be able to resolve things with her.

2014newme Mon 17-Oct-16 15:19:23

You are very insecure that's the problem

user1476706647 Mon 17-Oct-16 15:20:21

Costacoffeeplease I know, and I feel stupid for thinking she could steal him away. But i'm very insecure about my appearance and in my eyes she's prettier and skinnier and very much a threat. Even though I know he was miserable with her and she cheated on him more than once, he'd be insane to go back, but that doesn't stop me worrying.

user1476706647 Mon 17-Oct-16 15:22:47

NovemberInDailyFailLand I think it's beacuse they have a history, and she is used to getting back with him when her relationships go sour. But unlike in the past, he's happy now (with me) and has no intention of leaving me for her. I'm just in my head too much.

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