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How do I deal with this? OH arranging secret meet up with ex

(82 Posts)
poisonedarrow Mon 17-Oct-16 11:09:11

NC'd for this as don't want to be identified.

My OH of 5 years has lots of female friends. Some of them seem to have romantic feelings towards him but I don't think he realises. As I know he chooses to be with me, I feel a bit cautious about those ones who might like to try to turn his head but mostly confident in these friendships. After all, if he wants to be with anyone else, he'll do that, won't he?
However, recently I saw on his phone (I sometimes look at it - maybe I'm not as confident as I say...) that he's arranged a meet up with an exgf of his that I explicitly said I wasn't comfortable him becoming friends again with. She sends him texts saying she's thinking of their time together etc, etc - she wants him not his friendship. I don't see him flirting back (I'm very annoyed that he hasn't mentioned he's in a relationship) but I'm really upset that he's arranged to meet her. He's made this secret date for when I'm out one day this week too. I expect the silly bugger is blind to her come ons (as he is with the others) but as I said I really didn't want him to be in contact with this one I am really fed up that he's doing this.
Now, I really don't want to admit to looking at his phone, so how do I deal with this? Thanks for your understanding replies.

NotTheFordType Mon 17-Oct-16 11:16:41

Ask him what he's got planned while you're doing your own thing on that day. You're giving him a chance to be honest. Maybe he'll say "Oh yeah, forgot to tell you, I'm going out for a drink with X."

If he lies (which he probably will), then I'd personally have to just turn up as well and fling a drink over him, but then I love a bit of drama.

ayeokthen Mon 17-Oct-16 11:20:06

It's a bit hypocritical that you're accusing him of being deceptive while trying to work out a way that you don't have to come clean about going through his phone.
Ask him what he's doing that day, if he lies, leave him. If he doesn't, sort out your own issues with jealousy and paranoia because they'll end up driving a wedge between you.

Itsallaswizz Mon 17-Oct-16 11:21:51

Are you sure he doesn't realise when he's being flirted with? I bet he does!

Maybe just an ego boost but he shouldn't need one if he's happy in his relationship. Arranging to meet his ex when you've specifically asked him not to is terrible. And keeping it secret totally inappropriate. I'd just tell him I'd looked at his phone and tell him to get lost. No trust = no relationship.

ayeokthen Mon 17-Oct-16 11:22:50

In fairness my DP doesn't realise when he's being flirted with, but then he isn't looking for it so genuinely doesn't see it.

Dowser Mon 17-Oct-16 11:22:55

Have a conversation abo being totally honest. would you feel if an ex boyfriend got in touch to meet up ' for old times sake ' -and I never told you.

See what he says.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 17-Oct-16 11:26:54

If he needs his ego stroked by an ex then he isn't so committed to your relationship after all.

SheldonsSpot Mon 17-Oct-16 11:28:39

First of all, get the notion that he doesn't really realise, and is blind to the feelings of these women, out of your head.

He's really not oblivious to all of the female attention, he knows full well what he's doing, and he's got you right where he wants you - acting like the cool girlfriend when you're really not.

Fwiw he sounds like one of those sleazy guys that likes lots of women hanging on his every word/text for the ego stroke, while not necessarily taking it any further with them.

I would go along and see if he meets this woman. Then later that day I'd ask him "how was your day, what did you do today, anything interesting?", see what he says and take it from there.

honeyroar Mon 17-Oct-16 11:42:51

Why on Earth would you think he doesn't realise that they're flirting?? She tells him she misses them being together and wants to be with him, and he arranges to meet her without telling you. He is not the gormless hunk that everybody flirts with and he doesn't realise. He totally realises and knows what he's doing. There seems to be one person only that doesn't realise what's going on, and that's you. He's got you believing he doesn't know so he can do exactly what he wants and cry innocence...

pseudonymph Mon 17-Oct-16 12:29:36

It is possible to be unaware friends are attracted to you, but it doesn't sound likely in this case.

You've been together 5 years and he hasn't told his ex he's in a relationship?

I think it's time for a conversation.

milkyface Mon 17-Oct-16 12:37:35

I think he knows exactly what he's doing.

If ask him what he's doing that day, like a pp said if when he lies, I'd turn up and confront him.

If he tells the truth, I'd ask him why he hadn't told me when he arranged it as he obviously knows you won't approve.

ShatnersWig Mon 17-Oct-16 12:47:13

I'm a guy with loads of female friends. I am the world's worst at reading signals or noticing flirting, so wouldn't have a clue if one of them did like me (highly unlikely, none of them are now single). So it is perfectly possible for a bloke not to notice.

But this is different, as:
a) what she says is clearly more than just pleasantries
b) you've made it clear this is the one person you don't want him socialising with.

He is choosing to do this. Now, he is perfectly at liberty to be friends with whom he likes and in some ways, I don't believe in partners dictating or controlling who their partner can and can't see and in what circumstances. But in those cases, partner A says "I'm not happy" partner B says "sorry, I won't do that" and partner A makes the decision to either leave or accept the situation.

Therefore, you either leave the relationship or accept this.

As this is clearly crossing some lines, I suggest you leave the relationship and leave them to it.

0dfod Mon 17-Oct-16 12:48:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer Mon 17-Oct-16 12:51:13

Of course he's noticed! And clearly likes the attention, and for his gf to have to "be cool" with it. Yuck.

Not a good sign for him to be in a long term relationship and still (somehow: is he BradPitt?) have OW "friends" interested.

poisonedarrow Mon 17-Oct-16 12:51:27

Thanks for your replies, it's been helpful to see others perspectives.

Re. Looking at his phone. I know it's wrong but we both leave our phones around, unlocked. I'd be happy for him to look at mine as I have nothing to hide and I guess I reason with myself that the same goes for him too.

I feel sick to my stomach thinking that he might intentionally be encouraging his ex. I honestly don't know how to not let on before their planned meet up.

I guess I'll have to talk to him about what I've done/seen.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Mon 17-Oct-16 12:51:39

He knowsbabe is flirting and he has intentionally withheld the information from you. He also hasn't told her he is in a relationship! That speaks volumes about his intentions.

Dozer Mon 17-Oct-16 12:51:40

And that's before the lies.

Dozer Mon 17-Oct-16 12:52:49

I wouldn't say anything beforehand other than any general enquiries about his day and would snoop again afterwards!

0dfod Mon 17-Oct-16 12:55:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria Mon 17-Oct-16 13:00:18

Of course he knows or he wouldn't be arranging the meetings in secret for when you are not around.

shovetheholly Mon 17-Oct-16 13:03:23

I think there's a big difference between a guy who has lots of platonic female friends but is very loyal and honest and a guy who engages in semi-flirtatious relationships with a lot of women because he likes the attention. It's hard to tell from your OP which your DH actually is. The fact that he's kept this a secret from you, however, bodes ill.

I don't think partners should have the right of veto over a friend, but I do think that both parties owe each other honesty about such relationships.

Msqueen33 Mon 17-Oct-16 13:10:40

My dh is useless at picking up signals of any kind about anything flirting or otherwise. He's very social and chatty.

I'd be fuming. For one he knows you aren't comfortable and clearl values his friendship or whatever with this woman rather than your feelings and two he's not mentioned it. I would be very tempted to catch him out on a lie. What a shit!

doji Mon 17-Oct-16 13:33:28

My DP is generally quite clueless about women flirting with him. But he also has good boundaries, and if he ever was to put himself in a situation that might look dodgy he'd damn well make sure I was ok with it first. I've never had to tell him that I don't want him to be friends with someone (female, single or otherwise), because he's never encouraged innapropriate behaviour from anyone.

He sure as hell doesnt go sneaking off to meet up with an ex that doesnt know about me (and if he did he would be resolutely dumped for not being the man I thought he was).

I've had previous relationships with men who behaved like your OH and they all made me miserable. Eventually I realised it wasn't that I'm too cynical/paranoid/untrusting, it was that I was choosing relationships with untrustworthy men.

Coconutty Mon 17-Oct-16 13:35:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Mon 17-Oct-16 13:43:41

Could you call his bluff OP.
Could you say that your plans have changed, and you will now be free that day !
You have to stop clutching at straws though, he definitely knows the score, I assume he's enjoying the attention.
I think he's a dirty rat, and you deserve better, don't you ?

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