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Contact from no-contact mother

(18 Posts)
ToxicLadybird Mon 17-Oct-16 11:04:22

I went no contact with my mother and family in June. It's the best thing I've ever done. I finally feel free of the bullshit and for the first time my eating disorder is under control, my weight is dropping, pain is dropping, and I feel hopeful for the future.

It's my birthday this week and a huge parcel has just arrived, full of sweets and chocolate from 'home'. Now my head feels right back in the bullshit again. My mother knows about my food issues, my weight problems and my health problems. I feel she's deliberately sabotaging my health to hook me again because she knows it's my weakness.

My head is now all over the place. I know that this is just the start. Every special occasion will have a grenade like this thrown in.

I don't even know what I'm asking. I'm such a mess.

ShowMeTheElf Mon 17-Oct-16 11:08:05

Pick up the parcel. Take it to the nearest supermarket and dump the whole thing, card and all, into the basket for the local foodbank or shelter. Someone will enjoy it but it won't be you.
She knows that you are NC right? You didn't just ghost your family? If so, then you don't even have reason to reply.
Lose the box and ignore.
Yes it might happen again, and then do the same thing again. Think of it like a bank letter for a previous householder which turns up every 6 months: irritating in that you have to do something about it but not personal.
Well done with getting your ED under control.

Gingernaut Mon 17-Oct-16 11:14:14

Like the pp said.

Well done on your progress so far.

Pass the parcel contents on, rip up the parcel, shred anything which identifies you or the sender and recycle what you can.

Repeat when it happens again.

Think of the process as putting the cowbag back in her proper place.

Treat yourself to a face mask or some sort of 'me' time.

ToxicLadybird Mon 17-Oct-16 11:18:16

Yes she knows I don't want contact but I know she doesn't really take it seriously. She was laughing about it with someone on Facebook shortly after I cut her off. She rang once a month ago and I told her I didn't want to speak to her. That's the only contact I've had with any of my family since June.

soeasybreezy Mon 17-Oct-16 11:21:05

I'm in NC with my mother too, it's sad that you can't choose your family but you can choose not to have toxic people part of your life. Well done on your progress and don't let this take you down. With a smile on your face happily deposit it at a food bank xx

Shiningexample Mon 17-Oct-16 11:25:24

She will give up eventually when she gets no response, and this kind of thing just lets you know that you are right to keep her out of your life

She threw a rock into the pond
Just quietly get rid of the rock and be the still calm pond again
There are no ripples, it's as if the rock was never there

springydaffs Mon 17-Oct-16 11:27:20

Is she a food addict too?

I know the horror of a NC relative getting in touch - to have this double whammy, a big parcel of your drug of choice, is so hard.

Keep calm. Get rid of it PRONTO. Make that today's task, the sooner the better. Then it's out of your orbit. Food bank is a good plan (because if you're like me, the bin isn't far enough away).

Stay strong, get rid of it, wait for it to pass.

Stop following her on fb.

fyi

ToxicLadybird Mon 17-Oct-16 12:19:42

Yes she has similar food issues. I guess its where I learnt it from. Chaotic eating patterns which lead to messed up blood sugar and illness. My mum has been diabetic for years but refuses to make any changes to her diet/way of eating. I don't want to go the same way. She has no respect for my attempts to do bettet, just tuts and rolls her eyes. It's a very small part of why I've gone NC.

Shiningexample Mon 17-Oct-16 12:25:10

She doesn't want you to make her look bad by succeeding where she has failed
She sabotages your efforts in order to try and salvage her self esteem, sacrifices you to try and make herself feel better

Mix56 Mon 17-Oct-16 12:55:46

Can you ask someone to return it to her doorstep?
write on it. "unwanted gift."
You are doing so well, ignore her & her dreadful attempt to derail.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 17-Oct-16 13:07:06

No to returning these items to your mother; this is because any response from you will give her an "in" to bother you even more. I reiterate do not respond to this from her in any way. Radio silence is necessary.

Those items need to be disposed of in another way i.e. via a foodbank or put out with the rubbish. It must not be given any more power.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 17-Oct-16 13:14:50

Say absolutely nothing to her about the "gift".

Take it to the food bank. Someone will be awfully glad for those treats.

Voila, you will have taken something bad and turned it into something good, like a non-annoying David Blaine.

You can then begin to feel smug about your improving boundaries, your improving health and your general goodness as a person.

I donate all of my mother's presents to me and/or DC within a couple of days of receiving them. It's great. She never knows, mainly because we hardly ever speak. If we do and she asks, I say yes I got it, thanks and move the conversation on, back to her, which is her favourite subject. Problem solved. If it was an evil present like yours sent, she fishes for was it ok (in my case she will send clothes that are massively too big or too small). I say, yes, fine and say no more.

Msqueen33 Mon 17-Oct-16 13:19:41

Well done on getting your eating under control. As someone who has a food addiction that's good going.

Take the parcel to a food bank (a lot of supermarkets have them) and then chuck the envelope in the bin and forget about it as if it never came.

Cisoff Mon 17-Oct-16 13:28:26

Dump it.

If you can anticipate when they might come, perhaps you can get your partner (if you have one?) to intercept any future packages.

TeaPleaseLouise Mon 17-Oct-16 13:32:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToxicLadybird Mon 17-Oct-16 14:57:21

Thank you all, I'm feeling a bit calmer and stronger now. Helped by just coming back from the hospital where the orthopedic surgeon told me my that my disability is a result of not getting appropriate treatment following an accident as a child.

I'm not in the UK so there's no food banks here. I've left it in DH's office instead. He can get rid of it when he gets home.

Those of you who are also NC, do you also dispose of presents sent to your children or do you let them have them?

FlyingElbows Mon 17-Oct-16 16:56:20

I refuse to accept anything which is sent to us. You don't have to take it then send it back you simply just refuse to accept the delivery. My mother sent flowers for my birthday after I went nc and we politely declined the delivery. Ok the delivery person was bemused and we had to reassure her that they were beautiful and it wasn't the flowers it was who they were from. I have no idea what happened to them. In the UK you can decline to accept items from the Royal mail, they just tick a box and take it away. Problem solved. Don't let the stuff through the door and then you don't have to worry about what to do with it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 17-Oct-16 17:48:22

I sometimes get rid of those sent to the children too. Depends.

DC are well aware of what she is like so they roll their eyes at the mad gifts. Then we give them to charity unless the DC actually want it rare

When they were tiny I gave things away almost immediately with DC not really knowing, or realising that thing had gone. The things were never things they wanted or liked so it was easy.

If I had kept them, my house would look like my DMs house in no time. She is a hoarder.

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