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Husband and best friend

(66 Posts)
LoisEinhorn Mon 17-Oct-16 10:50:39

So saturday night I caught my husband and best friend having a fumble. To me its just as bad as full sex, they've betrayed me big time. I'm not sure I can forgive my husband, we've had such a close marriage (almost 19 years) we have 4 kids.
Ive told him its over, I can't see a way back. I'm heartbroken. I know its a cliche but its really not like him to do this. Lots of alcohol was involved but that's no excuse.
He's on the sofa, we haven't said anything to the kids except the oldest who is an adult.
Ex friend didn't even remember it happening. That makes it worse in a way.
Just feeling numb and in limbo

Stilltryingtobeme Mon 17-Oct-16 10:52:37

I've got no advice per se, but wanted to say I'm here. Talk away, what a spectacularly shit thing to do. Alcohol is no excuse. I really feel for you. So sorry you're going through this

Somerville Mon 17-Oct-16 10:55:17

God, that's horrible, I'm so sorry.

Is him sleeping on the sofa far enough away? Would him leaving the family home give you more time and space to think?

Also, sorry, but I think I would be wondering whether this was something that had happened before..?

It will be hard when you feel so doubly betrayed, but talking to someone you trust will help.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 17-Oct-16 11:35:34

Try not to make any rash decisions or knee-jerk reactions right now.
Really think about what happened and what you want to happen now.
This is your life and your decision to give yourself a bit of head-space and time out.

SheldonsSpot Mon 17-Oct-16 11:39:03

When you say a fumble - what do you mean?

Given your friend claims to not remember, was she even aware and/or consenting?

I'd be telling him to find somewhere else to live while you get some space to work out what you saw and where you want to go from here.

OhNoNotMyBaby Mon 17-Oct-16 11:45:52

Are you sure you're not having a knee-jerk, massive over-reaction here OP?
I don't mean to minimise the shock or hurt you obviously feel, but a drunken fumble is hardly the same as a full-on sexual relationship.

This may have been just a one-off, silly spur of the moment thing. Are you sure you want to end a 19-year marriage over this? And if your friend can't even remember it I do wonder whether you are giving this - admittedly wrong - incident way too much significance?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 17-Oct-16 11:47:39

He has broken his vows. .
No way would I forgive this.
Massive betrayal beyond repair imo.

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 17-Oct-16 11:49:49

I've distanced myself from a so called best friend who kept denying she didn't fancy my dh but once turned up on a Sunday with red lipstick asking me in front of him how she looked. I think as another poster said it could have happened before or you could have just been fortunate to find them doing it the once. Either way it's betrayal and he needs to move out.

adora1 Mon 17-Oct-16 11:52:39

Not making excuses for what is really shitty behaviour but once you put alcohol in the mix people can and do act out of character - I guess you have to calculate how much of a betrayal you see this as - and if I did give him a second chance, he's have to stay away from alcohol as obviously he can't be trusted to behave himself.

nervoussam Mon 17-Oct-16 12:20:47

Alcohol or not, this would totally devastate me. There are no excuses.

Were you out or at home? Just wondering how brazen or secretive they were with it.

I wouldn't believe for a minute that your friend doesn't remember it, that's just her way of shirking the blame, I'd be furious with her and doubly so because she can't even admit to it. To have lost her memory like that she wouldn't have been capable of a "fumble" I'd say. Its just convenience for her.

What's been your husband's reaction since?

ineedabodytransplant Mon 17-Oct-16 12:38:17

In all the years I was married I never once had a fumble with one of my wife's friends. Even though some were very friendly it never entered my head to play around, even after a good drink. Why would any bloke think that just because it's a friend it's easy pickings and takes two to tango as they say so something must be going on both ways.

Not remembering is a good excuse.

AyeAmarok Mon 17-Oct-16 12:44:28

Alcohol is no excuse to have a drunken fumble with someone else when you're married.

Plus, what if OP hadn't walked in, how much further would it have gone? Probably full sex.

Mix56 Mon 17-Oct-16 12:51:22

the best friend is lying.
Your OH & she must have been flirting/attracted for a fair time.
They both are untrustworthy. I think your H should be told to find alternative lodgings, & give you time to decide if you want to live with the sad bastard

Ellarose85 Mon 17-Oct-16 12:58:41

Sorry this has happened OP flowers

The friend not remembering a thing is a convient way for her to try to wiggle her way out of what she's done. I've been mind blowingly drunk around my friends partners in the past and I've never had a fumble with any of them.

I would be beyond fuming with my DH if this was me.

Take some time to think about where you go from here and ask him to give you all the space you need.

shovetheholly Mon 17-Oct-16 13:00:39

I'm so, so sorry. I would be devastated too, so I don't think you are overreacting.

I agree with ellarose that amnesia seems convenient.

loveyoutothemoon Mon 17-Oct-16 14:02:43

Are you for real ohnonotmybaby

OhNoNotMyBaby Mon 17-Oct-16 14:09:54

Indeed, I am for real Loveyoutothemoon. And I don't need sarcastic comments from you or anyone else.

And as someone who has been through a divorce I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's horrendous. No-one is perfect. No-one. And if a marriage has been good for 19 years I would say it's probably worth trying to save it. Not kick the bastard out without at least one or two discussions about whether the relationship could be retrieved.

sophiestew Mon 17-Oct-16 14:10:03

Agree with PP, how bloody convenient that your friend claims she doesn't remember anything? What an absolute cow. Is she single?

So sorry this has happened. I have been drunk as anything but never felt the need to cheat on anyone so the alcohol really wouldn't excuse it in my book.

I think the real problem for me would be that I know I would never trust him again, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I had no trust. I would drive myself crazy with suspicion every time he got a text, mentioned someone at work, went for a night out........

Do you have RL support? I bet he doesn't want you to tell anyone, but I would tell my friends and family. Sod what they think of him/her, they deserve it and you need the support. flowers

adora1 Mon 17-Oct-16 14:14:40

I agree OhNoNotMyBaby - you talk a lot of sense.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Mon 17-Oct-16 14:21:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fbreading Mon 17-Oct-16 14:32:49

I also agree with ohnonotmybaby. A fumble wouldnt be enough for me to end my 35-year for the most part happy, and hitherto faithful relationship.

I've also been on the receiving end of my best friend's husband's drunken attempts at a grope. It means absolutely nothing and in fact my friend and I laugh about it in a rolling eyes here he goes again way. We've all been friends for 25 years.

happypoobum Mon 17-Oct-16 14:36:27

I do agree that "everyone has their own threshold/tolerance" etc. We all have different standards and boundaries.

However, OP has already stated To me its just as bad as full sex, they've betrayed me big time. and Ive told him its over, I can't see a way back and I have to say I would feel exactly the same. I wouldn't want to be with man I couldn't trust, so the relationship would be immediately over for me. I also agree with posters regarding the BF claiming she doesn't remember anything - utter bollocks.

What are you going to do OP? Do you own your home? Is the so called friend in a relationship? You are probably in shock at the betrayal so be really kind and gentle with yourself. flowers

TheNaze73 Mon 17-Oct-16 14:46:47

I have to say, I think it's as bad as DTD.

Your friend is abhorrent. There are Ni excuses

adora1 Mon 17-Oct-16 14:51:38

Blackouts are common when you've had too much booze as is not remembering so I wouldn't automatically assume the friend does actually remember.

I agree it's shocking, terrible but if he's normally a good guy and you are a good team there may be a way to stay together, and for me, the alcohol would be a big decider, in other words, if he's normally trustworthy then I'd not write off a marriage based on one fuck up.

mumofthemonsters808 Mon 17-Oct-16 14:52:07

I don't care how much alcohol was involved, it's not acceptable and the "I can't remember a thing" what a great defence.You will probably find there's a lot more to this.Im sorry you are having to deal with this type of thing.

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