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Relationship with DH post baby!(22 Posts)
Bit of background, been with DH 16 years, married for 7. Already have DS 4 and now a DD 3 months. I'm just feeling a bit like our relationship has been falling apart since DD was born. I know things change and did suffer when DS was born with a lot of anxiety and to some degree depression - we went to marriage counselling as I found out something my DH had done (not cheating as such but as close as) and it completely broke my trust in him. Anyway after CBT treatment for me things were back to normal and we decided to try for baby number 2.
I had quite a rough birth and wasn't well for the first 2 weeks really. My DH in the main was great but he has a volition temper and snaps at little things, even in hospital when I asked him to get me a cup of tea to take my pain killers with! I was upset too when he put his DM before me 4 days after birth and left me for a few hours on my own with baby despite me being unable to hardly move.
After a few weeks he vacant really pushy to have sex again despite me telling him I didn't want to and wasn't up to it. I eventually gave in after 4 weeks much to my own pain and which was obvious to him, he just wanted to satisfy himself and that keeps playing on my mind and I'm so angry with him for not putting me first. He constantly pesters for sex despite me being exhausted and it feels so selfish despite him turning it around as 'I find you so attractive' 'I love you' etc. It feels like emotional blackmail!
He works long hours but whe he gets home if things haven't been done, hoovering, empty dishwasher etc he goes round in a strop doing the chores with no questions as to how my day has been, how I'm feeling, how I'm managing with two and a school run!
He's constantly making me feel inadequate in terms of how I'm dealing with two kids and sorting house as 'I'm off work'. I do night feeds although he lets me have one night off normally on a Friday night although he is always shattered on a Saturday but doesn't not seem to relate the two when I made a jokey comment of 'welcome to my world!'. He just doesn't understand or appreciate the hard work two kids are and that I'm still adjusting and settling in to a routine. He constantly tells me how good I've got it with him and always makes me feel that he's in the right and I'm always wrong so can't bring up my arguments about him as I'd be knocked down by being wrong. He has an answer for everything! If I say how I don't want to have sex hell turn it round that I should see it as a compliment. I say he doesn't appreciate what I do and I'd like time to myself and he says he'll take kids to his mums but he's not getting an understanding of what it's like with two, running errands, school run, popping to shops. He just sees them get in and out the car then his mum will take over!
Sorry for the long rant, I don't even know what question I'm asking for a response to. I'm just feeling constantly angry with him, I don't want any affection as I know he always wants it to lead to more. I don't even know if I'm struggling to love him like I used to, or maybe I'm just too tired and exhausted to even think about it! I don't know but I'm just so worried this is the start of the end of us, and I really don't want it to be. He does genuinely have good qualities too and I can't imagine being with anyone else, I don't want to but I just don't know how to make him see my side of things without him blowing up to a massive argument
He sounds really unpleasant, the sex thing is absolutely horrible, forcing you 4 weeks after birth is just grim. I didn't fancy it until 6 months after, my DP didn't make me feel bad or try and blackmail me.
I'm not sure you can make someone who cares so little about your wellbeing understand, it doesn't sound like he wants to.
Overall I think he sounds like a pretty awful husband. He cheated on you in some way after you had the first baby and now is treating you appaulingly again. That's a pattern.
He's not putting you and the kids first and I think he sounds like a horrible bully
It doesn't sound like a very nice marriage. And I don't have any advice on how you can make a bully realise what he is doing and change I'm afraid. I think you deserve better than this
As in: this does not sound like 'normal' post baby issues that a lot of couples face
He sounds beyond vile.
There's not much point trying to get him to see your side of things, unless he wants to, and he clearly doesn't give a toss about your feelings Ir welfare.
Things might improve when you're recovered from childbirth and can get back to the job of subsuming your all (and your kids' needs too) in the service of his ridiculous ego, but why you would want that I can't imagine.
I didn't read past the sex thing. That is absolutely disgusting. He got himself off by emotionally blackmailing you and causing you pain. He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself. I didn't have sex till about 6 weeks after, I would have been in way too much pain before.
This is not normal. Please tell me you can see how much of a horrible thing that was to do to you?
Yeah I know in hindsight how horrible it was but at the time it was as if it was a normal time to resume sex and to him I'd been keeping him from sex in latter part of pregnancy even though we did try as a way of getting baby to arrive as she was overdue. I do feel so angry about this but he just doesn't get it and I think that makes me even more angry because he's so blindsided by his own needs he had no empathy for mine!
When I started reading this I thought oh you have a 3 month old baby of course things are different, but it does sound like your husband is making things much worse, I'm sorry
I barely fancied sex during my whole pregnancy (less than once a month and not at all for the first ten weeks or so!) then we didn't have sex after birth until 7 months!! DH managed to let me know that he fancied me and was up for it whenever I was without putting any pressure on me, and still doesn't (we've still only done it twice as we're knackered all the time! ).
I'm sorry, it really does sound like you're in a horrid situation and maybe you need to speak to your husband about how he's treating you or consider counselling again
I don't think counselling will help you work out how to make things work with a bully but it will help you get stronger as a person. Why are you the one who keeps trying to fix yourself and he does nothing what does that tell you?
Don't have sex with him, please don't.
I don't think you can fix this relationship from what you are saying. I would leave if it was me. None of these problems are normal post-baby issues.
OP I could have written this post myself (and actually did post something very similar this morning), offering you a virtual hand hold
It's exhausting and I too have a completely useless 'D'P who does pretty much the same as yours (i.e. No getting up in the night, handing DS off to relatives when he does have him on his own). I don't get any of the 'I love you's anymore and he certainly doesn't tell me I'm attractive at all.
I've decided enough is enough. You are worth more than he's giving you too
This has nothing to do with the fact you've just had a baby, and everything to do with the fact he a nasty person who does not care about your welfare. Please don't accept it. He will not take on board what you say, as he's already proved. You're worth more than that.
Sweetheart, this is domestic violence: the strops, the threats, the refusal to recognise your needs. Pressuring you into sex you don't want is sexual assault.
You can't fix a relationship where one partner is abusive. You and your children deserve better than this.
He constantly tells me how good I've got it with him
You know when you hear a dodgy car salesman say "Let me totally honest with you..." and you know the next thing they say is going to be total bullshit?
When a supposed partner tells you how good a partner they are, and how you won't find anyone else who'll put up with you, it's always bullshit. Good partners don't need to tell you that they're good, because you already know that by their actions.
Good partners don't pressure their partners for sex. Good partners would be horrified at the thought of having sex with someone who is in pain and clearly doesn't want to. Good partners share the load of childcare. Good partners will not refuse to make their partner a bloody cup of tea so they can take a painkiller that they need because they just pushed a human being out of their vagina.
No wonder you're angry. I'm angry just reading your post!
What about my own faults, I'm by no means a perfect wife and mother and it is ingrained in my mind that he is a good husband and dad to our children. He says I don't appreciate him and his working hours and I get that he is busy and always ask him how his day has been. I just feel like this is my fault and he's got good reason to always be angry with me for not doing enough housework - I just want to do things when I have the devoted time, otherwise I end up starting something then having to stop because of kids etc so he sees lots of half jobs, that's not ideal is it?
To give you a little more background, we've been together from a young age and both never been in another adult relationship so I don't know any better / worse but frightened at the prospect of having to discover this sad I know!
he's got good reason to always be angry with me for not doing enough housework
He has no right to be angry with you. Your H is not treating you with basic human respect. He's not your boss. You are looking after two young children. You've got a young baby. If a bit of housework goes sideways or the dishwasher doesn't get emptied, he doesn't have the right to punish you.
Pressuing you into sex at any stage is very worrying. Pressuring you for sex just a few weeks after a difficult birth is just awful abuse. This man has no respect for you. He puts his wants and needs way above yours. He doesn't look after you. If he pretends to be nice to you, it is because he wants to make you do something for him. He punishes you if you don't follow his orders. What does that make him? A nasty, domineering git in my book.
Nobody is perfect, but don't take all this on yourself. You sound ground down by his horrible behaviour. The way he is treating you is totally unacceptable. Repeat: He is Not Your Boss!
Do you have any support from RL family and friends. You need to ask for help from people who love you.
I'm an utter slattern and our home is just as filthy at present (no job, kids at school) as when I work full time (although the garden is feeling the benefit). If my partner wants the house cleaner, he knows where the hoover is. It's just as much his mess as mine, and he loves me for all the great stuff about me. Of which endless cleaning is not one.
Why should I drudge at home all day while he's doing interesting creative stuff at work?
I can't because on the surface they see this amazing husband and dad and I couldn't bear to tell them how I'm feeling and essentially burst the bubble of our perfect relationship. When we had troubles some years ago he saw me looking into separation and broke down and begged me to rethink, and so we went to counselling but essentially was to make me feel better about what he had done so not sure if he truly got it! I know hed do the same if I said anything again about splitting up although he does threaten it a lot when he's angry so I don't know. I don't want to split our family up, I just want him to listen to me but don't know if he'll change in the long run. I'm so confused
What perfect relationship? He's hurting you for his own sexual pleasure.
I can't because on the surface they see this amazing husband and dad and I couldn't bear to tell them how I'm feeling and essentially burst the bubble of our perfect relationship
This is exactly why you must tell them. What they see is not what is actually going on. You need to tell them what is actually going on.
You would not be splitting your family up. Are you supposed to be miserable for the rest of your life because he is happy to be a bastard. It's not on OP. Who told you you have to put up with this? You know he is not an amazing husband and dad, why should you have to support this charade? I know you feel humiliated at having to admit that your marriage is going wrong, but it's not your fault! Anyone that really cares about would want to know what is going on for you. Tell them how you are feeling. I think you need RL people to be shocked on your behalf - not just on MN - because then I think you would be more properly convinced just how shocking his behaviour is. No-one should have to put up with this stuff. Really. OP, you deserve much better.
p.s. Of course you're confused. Anyone would be. He is messing with your head. If you stay confused then you won't do anything. Do what you can to get some clarity. The best way to do this is to confide in a friend or family member. You need to talk to someone who cares about your happiness. Don't be afraid to tell someone. Everybody needs support and encouragment - don't be ashamed of needing it.
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