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My boyfriend's 'friend'.

(99 Posts)
notenoughbottle Sun 16-Oct-16 22:41:28

I met my boyfriend five months ago on a dating website. He has lots of friends that are women, some a fair bit older and over the last few months I have got to know them really well and would now class them as my friends too as we speak outside of my relationship. He has this one friend though that is about five years younger than him. She has a boyfriend but is constantly texting him/snap chatting etc At times he has described her to me as being 'needy'. Time of the night etc doesn't matter, she'll just contact him. So... I've been a bit suspicious and about two months ago read his messages which proved to me they've had an ongoing sexual relationship for around three years - ending roughly before I met him. I know I shouldn't have read anything and that day I completely went off the wall - I'm on anti-depressants already. I didn't tell him what I knew just that I wasn't happy with them having any kind of relationship. He maintained throughout the conversation that they hadn't had this kind of relationship and I couldn't tell him that I knew. He says he won't choose which I know I shouldn't expect him to but I feel he should if I'm honest. About a month before this he had gone out with her and not find home till nearly 2am... Anyway fast forward to last night... I've been told by a few of his other friends to 'watch my back' with her, despite them all being a bit two faced. She came out last night on our group night out. She'd barely make an effort with me, just smiled and laughed with everyone else the whole night. The atmosphere was very sharp. She was quite flirty with my other half who in turn was an awfully lot more touchy feeling with me than he usually is in public. She did a couple of things like pretend stuff has spilt on her too and wiped her boob right in front of him, followed him nearly every time he went to the toilet and tried to be as close as possible to him. He on the other hand was a bit off towards her, I thought, although in a friendly way. One of his friends whose birthday it was commented that she didn't even know why she had come out and could see everything that I could. I'm totally in love with my boyfriend, he makes me feel amazing, he looks after me and had generally made such a positive impact on my life. We've booked two hols together, one with our kids, and he moved in with me about a month ago. I can totally see us having a future together, something I could never see happening after I divorced my EA exh nearly five years ago. We are really involved in each other's lives from family and friends to study and work and it's all good - but then there's this. Her. I don't know what to do - it's killing me every day but I want this to work so badly but she just feels like a shadow over it. I can't tell him I've read his messages or that would most definitely be 'it'. How do I deal with this?

mycatstares Sun 16-Oct-16 22:45:06

Something is going on. Leave the situation before you become any more attached.

It's only been 5 months and he isn't being truthful, not someone you want to spend your life with.

Also don't blame it all on her, she wouldn't message him early hours of the morning if she never gets a reply.

mycatstares Sun 16-Oct-16 22:46:15

Wait a minute..

You've been with him 5 months and already booked a holiday to go away with your kids?!

Big no.

Littleallovertheshop Sun 16-Oct-16 22:48:15

5 months?!

abbsismyhero Sun 16-Oct-16 22:49:51

He lives with you?

SaggyNaggy Sun 16-Oct-16 22:51:25

I'm totally in love with my boyfriend, he makes me feel amazing, he looks after me and had generally made such a positive impact on my life.

He makes you feel suspicious, anxious, uneasy, paranoid, worried.
Need I go on?

You want this relationship to go one way, its going aanother.
You, in turn, pile on the pressure to make it go "better"
Pressuring yourself nd ignoring cracks in the foundations is never ever good.

You've been with him 5months and already you're on here doing for advice.
At 5 months it should still be fun, sex, laughing etc. Not angst, pressure nd stress.

mycatstares Sun 16-Oct-16 22:51:44

I was so shocked that you were going on holiday together that I missed that he moved in with you...

Kick him out, cancel the holiday and take it slower next time!!!

Arfarfanarf Sun 16-Oct-16 22:54:49

"Our kids"?
That's his child/ren plus yours right?
After 5 months?

And moving in?

Tbh i think you need to pause a bit.

This is too much childish drama for people with children to consider.

Too much potential to go tits up.

You need to talk to him about how unhappy you are with the dynamic with this woman.

Put a hold on things until they are less complicated.

Dieu Sun 16-Oct-16 22:55:29

Why do women with children move a bloke in after only 4 months of being together? Absolute craziness.

WhoKnewSeamus Sun 16-Oct-16 23:00:27

There is so much wrong with that I don't know where to start.
He lies to you! Don't you mind?

Costacoffeeplease Sun 16-Oct-16 23:03:08

He's moved in, and you've known him five months?? Really?

notenoughbottle Sun 16-Oct-16 23:04:53

I know it's all too soon. But I've had some really bloody awful relationships and everything else is just going wonderfully. I've probably painted him as being really bad - he's not at all, it's just this one thing that's an issue. We still laugh, have fun, sex etc Our relationship is still in that 'honeymoon' period to an extent. We never argue, everything else is fine.

notenoughbottle Sun 16-Oct-16 23:05:53

Of course I mind that he's lied about them being together before.

WhoKnewSeamus Sun 16-Oct-16 23:06:51

Oh, so you don't mind lying then.
Fair enough!
Do you think it might be going so well because you have very low standards?

WhoKnewSeamus Sun 16-Oct-16 23:08:50

X post - thank goodness for that I was starting to wonder!
For me, that would be the crux of the problem. You can't trust him, so I don't see how this can get any better.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 16-Oct-16 23:09:24

Yes, it's all too soon

That's all there is to say really

AnyFucker Sun 16-Oct-16 23:11:24

You are being very foolish

You know nothing about this guy and moved him in with your kids and intertwined your lives far too quickly

Whatever is going on with this OW is beside the point

FinderofNeedles Sun 16-Oct-16 23:17:12

You never argue?
Only because you are choosing not to raise something that's a very serious matter.

LastBusHome Sun 16-Oct-16 23:19:30

I think you need to give him one more chance to tell the truth. Say that you have seen how she acts around him and you're not comfortable about it and you need to know the truth about their 'friendship'. If he can't tell the truth then I really don't think you can trust him and I would unfortunately leave. If he fesses up then explain to him how that makes you feel uncomfortable and you would prefer if she was not part of his immediate circle of friends as she clearly still has feelings of some sort for him.

inlectorecumbit Sun 16-Oct-16 23:21:31

Ask him why he lied to you. Why did he need to lie?
You could say that you have been told that there was a relationship between them by a "friend" but don't reveal your source.
His answer may tell you all you need to know.
Frankly regardless of how madly in love you are moving in together, kids meeting up and 2 holidays booked all seems a bit too soon when it appears you don't really know him at all

threemoregoals Sun 16-Oct-16 23:22:47

You didn't ask about whether you were rushing the relationship, you asked what to do with this other women.

I think her behaving like that has given you an opportunity - tell him you need to talk.

Tell him you're not accusing him of anything, but you don't like or trust her and you don't want her in your lives. Tell him to text her, saying, 'I really need my relationship to work so I'm going to stop texting/hanging out with other women. I'd like to leave things from here'. And then no more contact. Tell him that you need him to do this if you're going to be able to live with him.

I did this about someone in the early days of my relationship - he didn't like it because it was awkward and confrontational, but it was that or nothing. He was moody about it but he did it. He needed to get his head around the commitment. That was nearly 20 years ago and it's a v good marriage.

He's taking you for a mug, and it'll only get worse if you don't show that you won't accept it.
Good luck.

Wdigin2this Sun 16-Oct-16 23:27:56

I think you've moved the whole relationship on too fast, at 5 months you should still be at the dating and getting to know him stage. But you're already at the living together and worrying about him lying to you stage!!!
No point in telling you that this OW is irrelevant to the situation you've got yourself into, because you obviously don't see it that way.....but the facts are, that you are living with a man you don't really know, or trust, and your DC are too!

user1476140278 Sun 16-Oct-16 23:28:26

You're setting yourself up for disaster! He lied to you immediately you got together!

How can you have this little respect for yourself AND your children??

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 16-Oct-16 23:28:54

You could say anyone or anything is wonderful if you're prepared to minus one huge issue.

His huge issue is that he is continuously barefaced lying to you.

His smaller things are that he won't choose you over her, hence why he's told you not to make him choose, and he messages her at all hours, and he behaved differently when she was around so you'd be less suspicious.

If you continue this, it's with the knowledge that you'll only ever have 70% of him, because the other 30% belongs to her. If she tires of him, he'll find someone else. He will never be entirely yours, and he'll never be entirely trustworthy. It's your choice whether you accept that, but remember that you can't change him. You can put up with it, or not, but you can't change it.

AyeAmarok Sun 16-Oct-16 23:33:25

Hang on, you have children and you moves your boyfriend of 4months in with you?

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