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Is there any way to make this work? Think my marriage is over :'(

(55 Posts)
NameyMcChangerson Sun 16-Oct-16 20:44:42

Apologies in advance for a long thread - everything is such a mess but I don't want to drip feed. I think my marriage is over, and I'm devastated.

Been with DH for eight years, married since 2011. We have a 2yo DC. We broke up briefly last year and I moved out with DC, but I moved back in and we've been trying to make things work.

The negatives

Things have always been a bit volatile between DH and me - we're both hot-tempered so lots of arguments. Verbal abuse from both sides, more from his initially but things devolved over the years; emotional abuse from his side, including horrendous threats when I'd just had the baby (having it taken off me, using his ££ to win custody and have me declared an unfit mother), calling me a dirty cunt etc.

We're from different cultures - I don't like his mum, whom we see every week, at all and there's a risk she'd end up living with us / expecting to live with us later in life. His younger (by one year) brother also has very mild learning difficulties (I suspect undiagnosed ASD also) and lives at home/doesn't work/doesn't leave the house. Again, I suspect later in life, he would want to come and live with us.

Mismatched sex drives - mine's always been higher, he's literally never (in eight years) brought me to climax sad and now it's at the point where we've not slept together since I was pregnant. He tries to be affectionate, and I want to want him, but I don't. I get that things can't improve if I won't have him near me, but...I don't know. sad We have separate bedrooms; I go to bed around 10pm (up around 6.30), he goes 4am (up around 12.30), although I get a lie-in on weekends.

I cheated on him last year. It's not an excuse, but I was massively ill with PND and I was targeted by someone who I thought was a friend. Turns out they weren't and I was being manipulated while vulnerable. It's the only time I've ever cheated on someone, but I know it's a shitty thing to have done.

I've recently got closer to someone I know from work. It's at imminent risk of turning into an emotional affair, although we've put the brakes on it because it's (see above) a shitty thing to do. It's really upset me, though - I'm lonely, and it's ridiculously hard to not want this colleague.

We don't share friends, interests or schedules - the whole permanent night shift thing means we can never have a day trip anywhere, for example, and I find that really hard.

The positives

DH and I have taken care of one another and been together a long time.

Over the last year, arguments have decreased - he's been working on his temper, as have I, and we do argue less.

He wants to work on things now and try spending more time together. With the now 2yo, family problems on my side etc., we've had less than a year since my brief move-out to try and sort things out. He's apologised for the shit he's pulled in the past (emotional abuse primarily) and outlined ways he wants to improve, and has improved.

He's honest and loyal, faithful and (outside of arguments, which are much less awful than in the past) respectful to me. He's doing more 'little things' for me lately and trying to be more thoughtful, communicative and considerate.

He pulls his weight in the house usually, and is relatively hands-on with DC.

In a nutshell, I don't want this to be it but I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to destroy my DC's life and family. I'm terrified of not just being alone, but moving on from DH. But at the same time, we're more like friends now and I'm desperately lonely and upset.

Is it possible to come back from something like this? Is it possible to make a marriage like this work? And if leaving is the right decision, why am I so completely devastated? Despite our problems, he does care and I think he's a good person.

So sorry for the giant post - I'd appreciate any insight. Please be gentle.

FanSpamTastic Sun 16-Oct-16 20:58:21

I think you need to look forward 10 years. If you stay - what does your life look like? What about if you leave? Imagine yourself as that person in 10 years time - what would she tell the 2016 you?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 16-Oct-16 21:00:17

Oh don't be so melodramatic. You won't destroy your DCs life and family. That's ridiculous.

He's a good dad but you and he are not good for each other.

You split up, DC see you both being calmer separately, you coparent nicely. DC lose a one bad family and gain two good families.

God I wish my parents had made that choice when I was still a young enough child to get the benefit.

NameyMcChangerson Sun 16-Oct-16 21:03:46

I don't particularly appreciate being called melodramatic and ridiculous, Rabbit.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 16-Oct-16 21:03:58

You are most likely devastated that the life you hoped for is gone. Coming to terms with it never being happily ever after with you and him. That's a hard thing to wrap your head around. Combined with the fear of the new, that's going to make you feel it even harder.

Ausernotanumber Sun 16-Oct-16 21:05:17

You weren't manipulated or anything else. You need to own your own part in the cheating and take proper responsibilities.

And I say that as someone who had an exit affair.

NameyMcChangerson Sun 16-Oct-16 21:05:49

FanSpamTastic I just don't feel like I can see anything beyond tomorrow right now. You're right, I just wish I could see more clearly.

WordGetsAround Sun 16-Oct-16 21:06:18

He calls you a 'dirty cunt', but you insist he is 'respectful of you'. You need to have a good think about how realistic you are being about this relationship.

NameyMcChangerson Sun 16-Oct-16 21:07:13

Ausernotanumber With respect, your situation is not mine. The 'friend' turned out to be a serial abuser of women who had (unbeknownst to me) been setting the situation up for 18 months. I own my part, but don't tell me whether I was or wasn't manipulated when you have no idea.

Ausernotanumber Sun 16-Oct-16 21:07:50

You are completely responsible for your own actions. You chose to cheat.

NameyMcChangerson Sun 16-Oct-16 21:08:27

Ausernotanumber I was seriously mentally ill and targeted by an abuser. Wind your neck in.

crje Sun 16-Oct-16 21:08:40

I don't think what ye have is worth saving.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 16-Oct-16 21:09:45

It is my genuine opinion. In what way would your children's lives be destroyed?

You've described a dead marriage. He's giving you too little too late are being abusive. Using your children as an excuse for not changing isn't fair on them. Their lives will not be destroyed. Their environment will change a bit. They will still have you, they will still have their dad, just not in the same house at the same time. What's so terrible about that?

Ausernotanumber Sun 16-Oct-16 21:09:52

You need to own your shit.
You had an affair because you chose to have an affair.

No one else can make you cheat - only you.

I was seriously mentally ill. And abused. I still own that I had an affair and the responsibility for that lies squarely with me

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 16-Oct-16 21:10:48

Ah, just read all the other responses. Do you always look for fights when you are feeling bad?

NameyMcChangerson Sun 16-Oct-16 21:11:17

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ausernotanumber Sun 16-Oct-16 21:12:02

Are you always this aggressive?

Personal attacks are against the rules.

NameyMcChangerson Sun 16-Oct-16 21:13:20

RunRabbitRunRabbit I'm trying to address points but I'm objecting to being told to 'own my shit' etc. by someone who has no idea what the situation was. I'm not looking for fights - in what way is it helpful to call someone in serious pain and upset melodramatic and ridiculous? I'm devastated and wondering how to move forward - I thought I'd be able to get some on the level input from women who've been through similar on here without getting slated.

Ausernotanumber Sun 16-Oct-16 21:15:16

I didn't say melodramatic or ridiculous.

If you want to move on, you are going to have to take responsibility for the affair. That's what is always always recommended on here.

And saying you had PND or he targeted you just sounds like minimising and excusing to me. No one else no one can make you have an affair.

Horsegirl1 Sun 16-Oct-16 21:15:46

Omg you are seriously awful telling people to f off . You chose the affair and whether or not you had pnd or not makes no difference. I had ohycosis after my ds and severe pnd yet I didn't have an affair.! You are extremely rude to people offering non biased opinions

Horsegirl1 Sun 16-Oct-16 21:17:04

Phychosis *

Ausernotanumber Sun 16-Oct-16 21:17:32

I had an affair. I'm not sitting here from some holier than thou position.

But you need to take it on board and own your own part in that or you will not be able to save your marriage. If that is what you want.

And if you don't then it's still helpful in terms of your own mental well being to own the affair and look within yourself to the reasons you chose to have an affair.

Somerville Sun 16-Oct-16 21:20:49

It isn't clear that you actually want advice because you've disagreed rather angrily with everyone.

If someone called me a dirty cunt OR an unfit mother OR didn't love me enough to take the time to know my body and give me orgasms then I'd end a marriage.

End it before you cheat/he's verbally abusive again The worse your marriage gets the harder it'll be to co-parent well.

Cookingongas Sun 16-Oct-16 21:21:16

From what you have written- your decision to stay is motivated by fear of change not because of love.

You aren't happy. You aren't staying because you want it to work , you're staying because your afraid of leaving.

I think it would be better for your dc for you to split the dysfunctional unhappy relationship and co parent effectively apart.

Best of luck

Ausernotanumber Sun 16-Oct-16 21:23:11

You've had one affair and you're nearly having another.

your husband sounds not very nice (understatement) but you can't change him. You can only change you

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