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how do i get out of this relationship? how do i walk away?

(19 Posts)
stella23 Sun 16-Oct-16 20:28:53

I've began to consider that my relationship might be abusive? but I'm not sure, he's never hit me, but his words sting, and he bangs about an awful lot.
I feel like I'm in a tail spin when we have conversations and it almost feels like we are talking about different events! our versions just don't match in away way. he barges he sometimes, he says I'm angry.

I really feel the need to leave, have looked into private renting, (its way out of my price range) but I have saved a small deposit.

I'm terrified I'll lose my money by failing the credit checks, nut more so I just cant seem to make that last step. fwiw we are currently co parenting rather in a relationship.

I don't think I can just up and leave how do I continue living like this?

does anyone have an wise words?

SortAllTheThings Sun 16-Oct-16 20:32:00

Are you married? Do you own your home?

First of all, speak to a solicitor. So so important and so useful.

Would you be entitled to any tax credits if you left? Worth working that out first.

Do you have to move out? Who's the main carer the the child(ren)?

SortAllTheThings Sun 16-Oct-16 20:33:38

Sorry, missed a bit off. I found that once I'd sorted out the legal and financial bits and worked out the practicalities, the final decision was so much easier. And a fucking relief

cheapskatemum Sun 16-Oct-16 20:38:20

Phone Women's Aid, he does sound abusive. If the worst comes to the worst, they will find space for you and any DCs in a refuge.

stella23 Sun 16-Oct-16 20:39:28

sorry to drip, I've had legal advice. he's refused to leave, told me in no uncertain terms that he will never leave this house, He wants to co parent. he say I have to be the one to break the family apart. if he left it would be so much easier, and what I wanted.

I would be entitled to tax credit.

I'm the main carer, but I'm told he has as much right to the children as me. Not married. but we don't have much.

stella23 Sun 16-Oct-16 20:42:05

I'm worried he wont let me take the children or our stuff, or he wont give them back. he's says he going to play dirty and I should brace myself. don't know what he's implying.

he hates that I would do all the drudge work any more

Costacoffeeplease Sun 16-Oct-16 21:04:13

Definitely speak to women's aid, the law will decide what happens, not this self-important, abusive, little man, whatever he thinks, he's not above the law

Somerville Sun 16-Oct-16 21:10:30

As Costa says, please talk to WA. 'Playing dirty' and 'brace yourself' are extremely worrying indeed.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 16-Oct-16 21:12:26

Who owns the house?

stella23 Sun 16-Oct-16 21:20:20

Thank you all for your replies, it's rented and been here a long time. Rents reasonable compared to others on the area, and i could manage on my own. Obviously he feels the same.
I've been to Estate agents, there fees are astronomical, and even then no guarentry I will pass their horrendous checks.

It's hard as you unpick your relationship
And wonder was it always like this, did I just not see the red flags, or did I chose to ignore them.

I know I've had enough of the eggs shells... With the 'brace yourself comment' and he's done the whole 'shall we asks the kids who they want to live with' part of me thinks, fuck it, go for it. You're too fucking lazy, incompetent and horizontal to actually do anything. But he might surprise me.

stella23 Sun 16-Oct-16 21:21:12

I will ring WA, and see what they say

Somerville Sun 16-Oct-16 21:24:31

Well done. Stay safe love. I know he hasn't assaulted you physically but now he knows you want to escape his control is the most dangerous time. Keep firm in your mind about living separately from him, but keep treading softly on those egg shells in front of him until you get WA's advice.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 16-Oct-16 21:24:54

Good luck, I hope the help

Costacoffeeplease Sun 16-Oct-16 21:25:05


FlabulousChic Sun 16-Oct-16 21:54:09

You can leave whilst he is at work and take what you like. He is trying to scare you with emotional blackmail. Try a private landlord. You need to earn a year three times the rent per year to pass the credit check

stella23 Sun 16-Oct-16 22:10:10

You need to earn a year three times the rent per year to pass the credit check

How do you know that? they won't tell me the criteria before I give them money.

I don't earn anywhere near that amount

FriendofBill Sun 16-Oct-16 22:13:08

There are other ways to rent.
WA can help too.
Other services can help.
Call woman's aid asap and get some advice.

hermione2016 Sun 16-Oct-16 22:31:00

The tailspin when you talk is likely to be manipulation.

There will be options to leave or to get him to leave.If he earns the reality is he is likely to be able to rent somewhere else.
My stbxh tried to get me to leave despite a very limited income but over a mont I've been calmly consistent with my message that's it's over and he has agreed to move out.

cheapskatemum Mon 17-Oct-16 19:42:05

Did you phone Women's Aid today, Stella23? If they mention attending a Freedom Programme, I can recommend it.

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