We rely on advertising to keep the lights on.

Please consider adding us to your whitelist.



Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Trust Issues

(26 Posts)
Lasagne1 Sun 16-Oct-16 17:46:33

So I've been with my boyfriend now a few months or so, so not long... but we have always been very happy. I have always had a lot of male friends and he came on a night out with us once...he accused me of having something going on with one of them - he thought we were flirting. I told him it was completely platonic and he said he believed me and I thought things were ok. Since then he seems to have such trust issues. Everything else is amazing except this.

I've never cheated in relationships and I've always been really loyal. I would prefer to break up with someone if I felt the need to cheat because I'd know that this meant I didn't feel that strongly for them, because it isn't in my nature to cheat.

We've had a particularly positive couple of weeks. He even told me he's in love with me. I've literally been floating on air, so so happy.

Then this morning I get a text off him out of nowhere saying he doesn't think it's going to work any more because he doesn't trust me. He thinks I'm cagey with things like my phone, he thinks I'm flirty with my friends (he mentioned the night out thing, he doesn't have anything else to base this on as he doesn't want to do anything with my friends again because of it)...I don't know what I can do, I'm trying so hard to get him to understand the type of person I am and that I am so loyal when I'm in relationships, but words aren't enough. I know the sensible answer is that if he doesn't trust me it won't work, but I just can't bear to lose such a happy, incredible relationship over a complete misunderstanding. I really would never even want to cheat on him, let alone actually do it. I have no idea what to do. How can I make him see that he's got nothing to worry about?

TempusEedjit Sun 16-Oct-16 17:51:43

You can't. He's either an insecure asshole or you're one of those people who flirts without realising even if you don't mean it. Either way, I doubt you can work things out, sorry.

CakeyMcCakey Sun 16-Oct-16 17:57:43

I don't think he wants to be with you and is just latching on to the only thing he can think of so that its your fault and not his.

I would walk away. If you did manage to 'win' him around then this will come up again and again but you'd not be allowed to voice your concern over his lack of trust because you took him back knowing how he felt...

Lasagne1 Sun 16-Oct-16 17:58:51

I did wonder whether it was something I didn't realise I was doing. But I've had boyfriends before who have never mentioned it or had an issue. I am very close with my friends, but only in the same way I would be with female friends. I don't spend time with them one on one, bar my closest friend (who is gay anyway!) I just go out with them as a group.

This night out was about 2 months ago, and we have been so happy since. I can't believe it's come back to haunt me sad

pallasathena Sun 16-Oct-16 18:04:23

He wants to control you. Run for the hills.

Lasagne1 Sun 16-Oct-16 21:01:04

Turning pretty nasty - turns out he's been going through old Facebook pictures. When I was younger and before I had my DD I was a bit reckless. He says I look like a slag and I obviously slept around and that is obviously the type of person I am sad I never slept around, I just wore skimpy dresses and didn't really care what pictures looked like on Facebook

Naicehamshop Sun 16-Oct-16 21:08:01

Run. Now. He is trying to control you and is becoming abusive.

HandyWoman Sun 16-Oct-16 21:22:19

He says you look like a slag.

Easy peasy, dodge this bullet right, delete, block, breathe a big sigh of relief and plan your next night out with your friends.

He is one abusive scary arse controlling bastard fuck face.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 16-Oct-16 21:24:27

Lace up your trainers and get running.

You've dodged a bullet today.

He has shown his true colours and they are nasty. Dump and run.

Myusernameismyusername Sun 16-Oct-16 21:29:15

Leg it.
He's awful
I will never give up my male (gay and straight) friends and I a man not inappropriate with any of them otherwise I wouldn't be their friend

flopsypopsymopsy Sun 16-Oct-16 21:29:18

"Oh okay... Well, I'm sorry to hear that's what you think. Yes, I don't think it's going to work either. Have a nice life...."

Walk away and never speak to him again.

You know what you did or didn't do. You don't need to justify yourself to this cock womble.

Penfold007 Sun 16-Oct-16 21:36:43

He's right it isn't going to work. Protect you and your DD end it.

Lasagne1 Sun 16-Oct-16 21:50:47

This is just horrible

'Why would I be happy being with a girl when hundreds of others have been'

I can't believe someone whose been so loving and I've been so close to is talking to me like this

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Oct-16 21:51:40

You have really dodged that bullet! It's really kind of him to expose himself so early on - really, you should thank him!

HeddaGarbled Sun 16-Oct-16 21:57:41

He's abusive. The being full-on loving so early in the relationship is a bit of a red flag too, TBH. He's trying to isolate you from your friends. If he manages that, the abuse will ramp up big time. As all PPs have said, dump and run and thank goodness he showed his dark side so early and that you are switched on enough to recognise it.

ravenmum Sun 16-Oct-16 22:01:27

He's saying it to hurt you because you aren't playing his game any more. Just listen to what his words say about him. And don't look back.

FlabulousChic Sun 16-Oct-16 22:02:23

Jealousy does weird things to people he sounds truly unhinged and nasty block him in facebook and tell him you don't need a bunny boiler

Lasagne1 Sun 16-Oct-16 22:07:12

Why did he have to wait til I fell for him to show his true colours??

It's literally been 3 days since he said he loved me for the first time and now this.

He can't possibly love me, no one could talk to someone they love in such a vile way sad

Myusernameismyusername Sun 16-Oct-16 22:12:10

You must block him

HandyWoman Sun 16-Oct-16 22:15:08

He doesn't love you, he'a full of hatred, for women in general.

Honestly it's brilliant that he showed his true colours so soon. Be offended and pity him. The 'in love' version was a mask. This abusive fuckwittery is the real him. There's nothing to mourn here. Just run far and fast, make sure he is blocked everywhere and read 'Why Does He Do That'


Vvlgari Sun 16-Oct-16 22:17:18

Bin him.

Trust me, you are fortunate that he's shown you he's like this early on. My ex was exactly the same but I didn't understand what was going on until it was too late. I got all the 'why do you have so many men on your Facebook' and the 'if you go out with your friends tonight, I can't be responsible for what I might do in return', and it upgraded to the 'you were late home tonight, but I checked and there were no train problems, who were you out with?' But I made the mistake of trying to reason with him and because I was a strong and confident woman, why should I put up with that shit?

If I said that the men on my Facebook were relatives, or former colleagues who I never saw, or just friends, I was a liar, and I was cheating. If I went out with my friends, there were constant phone calls demanding to know where I was, who I was with, if I'd talked to any men and if I said I was just having a drink/dinner with friends, I was a liar. If I got home from work late because I was busy or there were just delays, he'd check and if there were no reported delays then I must be lying and meeting someone else.

You will not be able to argue, or reason with him. As far as he is concerned, everything that comes out of your mouth will be a lie and he will spend his life trying to catch you out so he can 'prove' you lied. It will get to the point where you buy peas instead of beans and he will say you lied about the availability of beans. If beans are available, you are a liar and that means you lie about everything, ever.

I ended up nearly suicidal and on ADs. I was no longer a strong and confident woman, I was a fucking wreck.

Seriously, walk away.

Vvlgari Sun 16-Oct-16 22:25:46

Oh yeah, and I twisted myself into knots trying to find the right words that would make him see I was sincere and loyal and not a liar and nothing I ever said made any difference.

You cannot reason with someone who's being unreasonable.

Lasagne1 Sun 16-Oct-16 22:37:40

Vvlgari, sounds like you had a really rough time, sorry you went through that flowers

I know all of you are right, but I just can't seem to let go. I guess I'm more upset that this is him. I can't believe it. I wish this wasn't him sad

BantyCustards Sun 16-Oct-16 22:47:56

Why did he have to wait for you to fall for him? To ensure he has the best possible chance of having you firmlyattached on the end of his puppet strings.

Run, OP. And fast.

prokupatuskrakedatus Sun 16-Oct-16 22:55:49

Cut contact now.

This will not get better.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now