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Would you class me a cheat?

(86 Posts)
Movedonnow Sun 16-Oct-16 13:49:22

Things have been going downhill with my husband for over a year. We have yoyng children and he wants me to give up my career and stay home with them. There have been countless arguments over money. He is very controlling. At the start of this year I realised that he would never change and that if I wasn't happy then it's up to me to do something about it. Over the last 6 months our arguments have escalated to the point where I have said our relationship is over. Whilst he has seemed to be in agreement he has tormented me over the fact I have nowhere to go and that, for the moment at least, I am stuck in the same house as him. I sleep on the sofa when I can, but this is very uncomfortable and i end up back in the marital bed as we have no spare bed or room for a put-me-up. We do not have a physical relationship. Mentally, this relationship ended for me a long time ago. As I say, my husband seemed to agree at the time of our big disagreement, but in between rants he seems to think things are back to normal, even though I tell him they aren't. It's like, because I have stayed in the house with him (even though I have nowhere else to go) he thinks everything is fine. So onto my question - I have met someone else. He knows my situation at home. We have slept together once. I don't like the situation I am in, but feel trapped. I want to move out and make a clean break but can't afford to. My husband does not seem to be accepting that the marriage is over, despite my coldness and statements to that fact. He seems to be relishing the power he has over my life. I wish I hadn't met this new chap so soon, but I have. I've had so many unhappy years, the thought of giving him up just because my husband won't let me go is heartbreaking.

WaitrosePigeon Sun 16-Oct-16 13:50:20

Of course you cheated. You fucked someone else confused

Myusernameismyusername Sun 16-Oct-16 13:53:07

Yes it's cheating and frankly a horrible mess. You can't involve another man in this to save you from your horrible marriage.

This must be awful for your children. You can't carry on like this and should take action. We all have options of some kind. How long are you going to just let it drag on?

cece Sun 16-Oct-16 13:53:41

Technically you have cheated as you are still married. However, as you have told your husband it is over then I suppose it could be justified as not cheating as you are no longer together (in your mind). I suspect though that your H will count it as cheating.

ayeokthen Sun 16-Oct-16 13:53:47

You're still in the same house, still married and still sleeping in the same bed. However you dress it up, yes, you cheated. Move out, initiate divorce proceedings then you can start a new relationship.

ToastDemon Sun 16-Oct-16 13:53:58

I disagree. You are effectively separated from your husband and just living with him due to circumstances. You can fuck who you want.

chelseafan123 Sun 16-Oct-16 13:54:21

Stop beating yourself up. You're relationship with your husband is over and was before you met this guy and your husband knew that. The only reason you live with your husband is because you have no choice and he sounds like an arse. Allow yourself to be happy for goodness sake.

cece Sun 16-Oct-16 13:54:28

Buy an airbed for £20. Then at least you won't have to share a bed.

EternallyYouthful Sun 16-Oct-16 13:54:35

Yes you've cheated...

LucieLucie Sun 16-Oct-16 13:54:47

If you've told your h your marriage is over and you no longer have any physical relationship then I wouldn't say you have cheated.

Essentially you are separated but living together until finances allow you to move out.

ageingrunner Sun 16-Oct-16 13:58:28

You've told him it's over so I would say no you aren't cheating. As a pp said, you can fuck who you like. I can't help thinking the use of the word 'fuck'. In the first reply was a deliberate attempt at shaming the op.

AllPowerfulLizardPerson Sun 16-Oct-16 13:58:54

It doesn't matter whether we think you're cheating (though FWIW I think yes, you are). But whether your DH would see it as such.

"I want to move out and make a clean break but can't afford to"

I also think it's wrong to use someone as a cashpoint.

Especially as if he found out and threw you out, you'd be having to afford to pay your own way anyhow.

You were able to make the decisions and plans and carry out the actions that brought you to this point.

Now put the same effort in to a substantive plan to leave in the next few weeks.

TheNaze73 Sun 16-Oct-16 14:00:22

Are you serious? Of course you are a cheat

OreoCat Sun 16-Oct-16 14:00:33

I'm not sure how the pps have come to the conclusion you have cheated? If I end a relationship, and the other person doesn't accept that, that doesn't mean we are still together? confused if one person says it's over, it's over, you don't need to agree.

OP, it is a bit of a mess, if you have clearly said to your husband your marriage is over, then technically as you haven't had a decree absolute (I know you probably haven't started divorce proceedings at all yet) you have commuted adultery. However, for all other intents and purposes you haven't cheated. I don't think your husband would agree though, but he seems to be in denial about the whole thing.

I think you are best focusing on getting sorted out and less entangled with your husband before you continue in this. It may take time, but in the long run it will be better overall for everyone involved.

Hotwaterbottle1 Sun 16-Oct-16 14:00:38

I disagree too, it is over however I think you need to find a solution to the bed. You cannot be sharing a bed with your ex. I'm in a similar situation, saw 2 solicitors and sharing a home whilst separated is very very common but not a bed. Can you rearrange furniture in DC room for a fold down bed or buy single futon for lounge? Move Ex into kids room if yours is bigger and kids into yours to find space? Buy sofa bed for lounge?

ThatStewie Sun 16-Oct-16 14:01:00

It's not cheating but right now you need to focus on yourself and your kids. Can you approach the counsel for housing?

WorzelsCornyBrows Sun 16-Oct-16 14:03:04

No, you have told your husband your relationship is over, it's not your problem that he's choosing to ignore that.

That said, I think you should resolve your home situation before getting into a proper relationship with someone else. Your current situation is untenable long term, so you need to find out what steps you can take to end it.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 16-Oct-16 14:03:13

You've cheated because you know - and acknowledge yourself - that your husband believes you are still together. You're giving off mixed messages by going back to the marital bed, too.

What needs to happen for you to leave? You can't stay living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, if you're now split. Unfortunately the lack of physical contact means nothing, plenty of people are married without that.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sun 16-Oct-16 14:04:06

Of course you cheated.....

Myusernameismyusername Sun 16-Oct-16 14:05:01

I think the technical cheating issue is not really the point. OP has told her DH it is over but done nothing else to really put that into practice including sleeping in the same bed. From the husbands POV rightly or wrongly he will feel it's cheating as I imagine it's a secret and make an already awful situation 100 times more awkward, horrible and nasty I do not understand how this will help in any way and in fact make things even worse than they already are. Bringing a new person into this mess isn't fair on the new partner either.
I just think it's a bad decision to bury your head in the sand and move on out of the marriage in this totally back to front way. Also you will not really be using your best judgments on whether new BF is good for you because you want to escape the misery

Movedonnow Sun 16-Oct-16 14:09:18

We are up to our eyeballs in debt. The house is in both our names. I earn a good wage even though I'm part time, but husband says I have to pay all childcare costs as it is my choice to return to work, which leaves me with very little and certainly not enough to pay any bills/food etc. I have taken a lot of time off recently due to the children being ill (husband will not do this) and I a in trouble at work for this. I have tried to make an appointment to see a solicitor, but would need time off work to do this, which I just can't do right now. I agree the situation is a mess.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sun 16-Oct-16 14:12:12

So you are in this mess and you think dating and sleeping with someone else is really going to work?

Monkeyface26 Sun 16-Oct-16 14:13:20

It doesn't matter whether you think of it as 'cheating' or not.
In fact I think you should separate the 2 things out and answer the questions in order
1. Do I definitely want out of this marriage?
2. Do I want to pursue a relationship with this new man?
It sounds as though you already know that the answer to Question 1 is 'yes', in which case you need to see a solicitor and start things moving.
There have been lots of good ideas from pp's about redistribution of furniture/space. Perhaps once you have taken steps to put a proper new sleeping arrangement in place in your home and have initiated divorce proceedings your DH will start to take you seriously.
It is scary but you know you have to change things.

Myusernameismyusername Sun 16-Oct-16 14:13:58

You do have to 'give up' this man and focus on your current situation. You have to put in the effort that it needs to move things forward. If you look for excuses you will always find them

Do you think this guy is prepared to save you?

Matchingbluesocks Sun 16-Oct-16 14:17:21

I feel for you OP, what an awful situation. I always wonder what happens when one partner refuses to accept the relationship is over, and can see how eventually the other side just does something to finish it once and for all

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