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Me and my shitty attitude to DP's ex

(50 Posts)
Shameandregret Sun 16-Oct-16 10:15:52

Been with DP for 6 months. Last night I ended what is, fundamentally, a brilliant relationship with a really amazing man.

The reasoning behind it (what I actually said is hazy because I was drunk) but basically DP's close relationship with his ex makes me feel shit. I feel inadequate and like I'm borrowing or stealing him from her. They were together for 14 years, no dc's and split up 4 years ago. She's absolutely lovely. Lives opposite him, they share care of their two dogs, see or speak/text each other daily, she still owns half the house that DP lives in and still attends his family functions. She wanted a child, DP didn't and he feels that he has held her back. She's late 30's now and they were together from 19. I can tell he still feels a huge sense of attachment and responsibility for her. He says he's only been in love twice, once with her and once with me.

Their relationship is excellent, that's a good thing and if I let her get close I'm sure we could be friends. But the crux of it is, I feel uneasy. I don't feel jealousy, just a chronic sense of inadequacy and feeling that I'm stopping their life together. I've been married, got 3 dc's, I have had the family life. They could have that and DP has said he regrets not having a child and would have one with me if he could (he can't as I can't have more children).

DP is insistent he doesn't want to be with her, he wants me but u can't shake the feeling I'm ruining their happiness and they belong together sad. Obviously I feel like shit. He got really upset when I ended it last night. I'm still here because he doesn't want me to go but I don't know what to say when he wakes up. It's my head causing this problem and it's easy to say I shouldn't feel like this but I do. Any advice? Please?

lampshady Sun 16-Oct-16 10:19:21

This isn't very helpful but I couldn't cope with that level of interaction with an ex either. It sounds like a relationship where they just don't have sex.

The owning half the house is odd too, is there any reason for that? Would that mean you couldn't buy with him in the future?

FlabulousChic Sun 16-Oct-16 10:21:22

Some exs cant be together but make great friends it's no threat to you and him. For them what makes a relationship a couple is not there any more.

Hotwaterbottle1 Sun 16-Oct-16 10:21:41

He left because he didn't want children & she did but now he does? I'd feel the same as you OP. I think you are doing the right thing.

TheHiphopopotamus Sun 16-Oct-16 10:22:00

I couldn't cope with that either. No doubt someone else will come along to tell you they don't see a problem, but if they have no dc's toghether, there's absolutely no need for that level of interaction.

I'd feel exactly the same as you.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 16-Oct-16 10:22:19

No real advice as I have been in the same position.

I wasn't allowed to meet the ex though, and he would regularly blow me out and take her on the date we had arranged instead. confused

It was utterly humiliating. I often wonder if their friends knew they had split up.

They split for the same reason. He wanted a child. They share custody of pets too. hmm Only the "handover" would involve her staying a week at his house.

Does he involve you with his life generally or are you a secret? Does he cross the boundary between friends and something more?

Charley50 Sun 16-Oct-16 10:22:34

Odd that they split up because he didn't want children, but he said he regret it and now wants children with you. Maybe they became very platonic over the years. I would feel similarly to you I think though.

neonrainbow Sun 16-Oct-16 10:22:59

I would not be happy with that at all. It's like there's a third woman in your relationship.

Lilacpink40 Sun 16-Oct-16 10:23:50

I'd be the same. Three in a relationship would be exhausting, a simple argument could see them get back together.

AbBanana Sun 16-Oct-16 10:27:16

He has held her back if she wanted children 4 years ago and she is still not in a serious relationship with anyone else. He has in fact completely and utterly fucked her over. And he wants kids with you,the woman he knows can't have any, does he?

Funny that.

And has you feeling shite, does he?

If I was your friend, I'd be telling you he sounds like an asshole whose headfucked one lovely woman and don't let him do the same to you!

Shameandregret Sun 16-Oct-16 10:28:04

They have just never sorted it out (the house). She still has her post delivered here too. They last had an 'interaction' a couple of months before DP met me. They didn't have full sex but got close by the sound of it. She was annoyed with DP because she thought he was using her for sex. (Really wish DP hadn't told me this).

DP ended the relationship because he said she became more like a sister and wasn't sexually attracted to her but that last incident 8/9 months ago doesn't really fly with that does it?

I know it's nothing to do with our relationship but it does feel like I'm standing in the way. Almost like I'm an OW. Which I have never been and run a mile from. I feel a weird sense of guilt? Yesterday morning we were in bed and we heard her drop the dogs into the living room. I felt like we had been caught doing something we shouldn't. I'm so annoyed that I don't have the mental capacity to deal with it sad

Shameandregret Sun 16-Oct-16 10:33:37

The situation makes me feel shite banana. DP is really loving and I know he adores me but he isn't being fair I know that. There is no way I could ever make him choose.

His family have met me once, they were nice but his sister invited the ex to DP's nephews 18th and Christmas Day so that feels like she's prob feels what I do; they should be together.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 16-Oct-16 10:35:52

I think if he could have children with you OP, he WOULDN'T, he'd run a mile. He loved the partner he was with for 14 years and didn't have a child with her when she wanted one.

You've only been with him 6 months. That's really no time at all. I can understand HER attachment, 14 years is a very long time and they have significant history. The shared animals wouldn't be an issue if he didn't want it to be. The truth of the matter is that he's not with you in the way you like to think he is, anymore than with her, but she puts less pressure on him as an ex-partner and therefore he likes to keep a foot in that camp most definitely. You don't stay with somebody for that length of time and move on to someone else - yet still maintain that level of contact whilst you say you love the new person.

I don't like the sound of him at all; for a woman - or most women - talk of children is like catnip. Some players realise this and use it to their advantage but honestly, don't think for a minute that he would have a child with you either. Flattering though it must have felt, it wasn't real and I think you probably know that deep down.

You have nothing to fear - but also nothing to lose. I wouldn't want the sort of relationship that you've just ended, I think you've done the right thing. Walk away and don't look back.

SomeonesRealName Sun 16-Oct-16 10:38:13

This situation is awful OP google triangulation as an abusive behaviour and see if it rings any bells for your situation. My XH constantly played me and his mother off against one another. Now I suspect he uses his relationship with me (we have DC) to make his new partner jealous and keep her game up. Sounds like he has poor boundaries at the very least.

TheHiphopopotamus Sun 16-Oct-16 10:42:36

Get out while you still can, OP. The more you post, the worse it sounds.

It sounds like he's keeping a foot in both camps.

I feel sorry for both you and the ex. It sounds like he's keeping her involved in his life as a 'just in case'.

Shameandregret Sun 16-Oct-16 10:45:16

Deep down I was thinking something is wrong because it's making me feel so shit. I have extremely poor boundaries.

I left a very physically, sexually and emotionally abusive marriage 2 years ago after rape. I had just got back on my feet. I thought I had my radar well and truly sorted.

The thing is, when I spoke to him last night he made me feel like I was being utterly unreasonable. He said I'm an idiot for throwing away a good relationship because he has an ex in his life who he has to have a relationship with.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 16-Oct-16 10:45:33

You're not making him 'choose' either, he hasn't chosen you thus far, has he? He still a close relationship with his 'ex'. Perhaps they're a cuckold couple and you're an unwitting pawn? I can't imagine any woman (her) wanting to keep this close to him without a very good reason - and dogs are not it.

... and no, what he said about not being sexually attracted to her doesn't fly, does it? I think he's been lying to you on a grand scale and you are best off out of these games. You have kids, you don't need this on top.

Shameandregret Sun 16-Oct-16 10:46:46

When he puts it like that I can see that I am being an idiot because I'm not strong enough to deal with it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 16-Oct-16 10:47:12

Of course he said you're an idiot - he's trying all he can to keep control of you. He sniffed out your vulnerabilities - and used them. What a louse.

I'm sorry you've had a shit time, OP, you deserve better than him. Leave now and block him. That's what I would do.

Noctilucent Sun 16-Oct-16 10:51:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sun 16-Oct-16 10:54:12

Sorry OP, but having read your posts, I too think you should leave. ☹️
This isn't a healthy relationship, but I know you think this way too.
Walk away, further down the road, you'll be fine. 💐

MotherFuckingChainsaw Sun 16-Oct-16 10:57:00

He said I'm an idiot for throwing away a good relationship because he has an ex in his life who he has to have a relationship with

But it's NOT a good relationship for You is it? You are unhappy. Of course it works for him he's effectively got 2 of you dancing to his don't need a cast iron legally approved Reason to end a relationship. A simple ' sorry, this doesn't work for me' is absolutely good enough. If he doesn't agree it's his problem.

In fact, I don't like the sound of his reasoning. You tell him your unhappy... his response? ' you're wrong'. Not ' I'm sorry how can I fix this'

Your radar is fine. You made the right call. Don't beat yourself up.

SuperFlyHigh Sun 16-Oct-16 10:57:04

Do as Lying says leave him and block him.

Ok, she was in his life for 14 years but there's no need for that level of closeness in their relationship now!

I had an ex a few years ago who was very close to his ex but she was the mother of his teenage son, however she also "used" him for babysitting etc and sometimes taking all kids (she had 2 other kids from another relationship) out on outings etc and getting him to pay for it all, or emotionally whining about lack of money eg for a new car. I realise I only heard his side of the story but it seemed like he leaned on her a lot. She also left him with their son after their son turned 5.

Why should you deal with all this crap? I could not do it!

SuperFlyHigh Sun 16-Oct-16 10:58:22

Lying long post of 10:35 with the catnip is spot on by the way!

MotherFuckingChainsaw Sun 16-Oct-16 10:58:30

Oops typing fail should read 'dancing to his tune. You don't need...'

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