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What do I say to DC?

(13 Posts)
Hidingcro Sun 16-Oct-16 00:06:58

I'm going to ask H to leave tomorrow. He's unlikely to go with good grace having threatened to leave and this time I'll have the audacity to wave him goodbye. Long story short, I've come to realise he's EA not just to me, but to our DC too, and after an argument today, I've realised that this is their normal. I am not prepared to havey children grow up thinking this is how relationships are and am going to call his bluff if he turns up here tomorrow, and tell him to leave.
But what do I tell the children? They're so used to daddy having a tantrum, mummy arguing back and then everyone brushing it under the carpet and pretending nothing happened, that they're going to be shocked and devastated.

Sorry if this is garbled and not making much sense. Head is wrecked.

nicenewdusters Sun 16-Oct-16 01:03:40

You just have to tell them the truth. Gently, age appropriate, but just that. What is the alternative? The truth being that mum and dad won't be living together anymore. That you will be happier apart, and you are still a family, but just arranged differently. Stress that they are not part of the break up, not responsible. That they are still loved just the same as before, and that they will still see their dad.

I think the things to stress are all the things that won't change in their lives. In my experience, and from what I've learnt generally, children will initially be very concerned about the practicalities. Are we going to move, change schools, what about seeing our friends? What about xmas, birthdays, seeing grandparents, who can we tell, who already knows?

It's hard, horrible, there's not much you can do to soften the blow initially. Just let them know it's ok to be sad, and angry, and that they can talk to both of you about how they feel. They'll survive, really they will.

Good luck.

Hidingcro Sun 16-Oct-16 08:03:47

Thanks dusters. Am feeling sick to my stomach waiting to hear his key in the door.

SortAllTheThings Sun 16-Oct-16 08:09:52

Good luck. I've done this recently, he was also EA (and a narc). The stress leading up to telling him was horrific but instantly eased when I told him it was done.

The kids were extremely sad, there's no getting around that unfortunately, but you just have to be honest with them, how old are they?

Nicenewdusters is right. My eldest was initially mostly concerned about moving school, moving house etc. Reassure them about the things that will stay the same, that they'll still do all the normal things they do every week etc.

Hidingcro Sun 16-Oct-16 08:33:30

Thanks. Eldest is 5. Just so worried she'll think it's her fault sad

hermione2016 Sun 16-Oct-16 08:51:11

I am going through the same but with added worry as I know we will have time move areas, schools, give up friends as part of the separation.

Hiding, I really feel for you.No one wants to end a marriage but it's not healthy to live in an emotionally abusive relationship.

nicenewdusters Sun 16-Oct-16 10:50:15

OP. I don't think my dc have ever thought our split was connected to them. They know why it happened, it was a very specific thing, so I know that would have helped. All I can really add just now is try and keep all their routines going as much as possible. But having said that it's also good to all sit in bed and have a cry/cuddle/chocolate if that's what helps.

This is the worst bit, it will be over, you can do it.

neonrainbow Sun 16-Oct-16 10:51:36

They might be worried and scared but all of you may feel overwhelmingly relieved as well.

SortAllTheThings Mon 17-Oct-16 11:47:03

My eldest thought it was her fault, but she's older, but after a few chats, and a bit of time, and some time spent with her Dad, she's feeling better about it all.

How did it go?

nicenewdusters Mon 17-Oct-16 13:58:58

How are you OP?

Did you ask him to leave?

Hidingcro Mon 17-Oct-16 17:36:49

Hi all,

Thanks for thinking of me. I think I'm going to be the kind of poster you get cross with though I'm afraid blush I did ask him and we talked everything over again. I've given him another chance.

I can't say how long it'll last before I'm satisfied, but he definitely underestimated me. That was his first mistake. He comes from an abusive family so he doesn't have a good role model, and that is the only reason I'm prepared to give him a chance. The first hint of going back to his old behaviour and he's out the door. And he knows it too. And if he's thinking underneath it all that he'll "behave" for a bit and then go back to being a twat, he's mistaken as I'll drop him like a hot potato. Plus now I've told people, I feel eminently stronger and able to stand up for us all.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to read, but it's the truth. Thank you for all your support I really appreciate it x

Gymnopedies Mon 17-Oct-16 17:48:12

That's OK OP, your choice to make. You sound stronger and more assertive, that's good.

nicenewdusters Mon 17-Oct-16 18:06:43

I was going to add in my last post to please come back whatever the outcome. None of us have a right to expect a particular outcome on a thread. You didn't ask whether you should leave, but what you should say to your dc.

If this is what you want then I'm glad you're giving it another go. As you have said though, he's been given a last chance, there's no going back. I hope he recognises just how serious his behaviour is, the laws on EA didn't change recently for nothing.

Good luck, stay strong. Remember, he has to change, you can't change him.

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