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Dh unsatisfied!

(7 Posts)
Msqueen33 Sat 15-Oct-16 21:07:18

DH and I have been together 10 years. We've got three kids ranging from between 7-4. Our youngest two have autism with the youngest being the most badly affected (non verbal, hyperactive, sleep issues). I'm a sahp purely because afterschool, a lot of nursery care isn't a viable option for the two with autism.

My dh has a very busy job. Especially so at the moment and he doesn't get home until 9. Our youngest wakes most nights and I end up awake with her for the night so my sleep pattern is all over the shop. I'm getting the distinct impression dh isn't happy with our sex life. To be fair it's almost non existent. I'm exhausted as I'm up in the night, caring for the kids in the day and being jumped on, screamed at and hit for a large part of the day. He gets in late and typically falls asleep on the sofa. I try to give hugs etc but I'm so touched out by the kids that actually I want my own space. He's very use to being worshipped by his mother who thought the sun shone out of his arse. I didn't want to post this in aibu but I suppose that's my question. Aibu on the sex front? He doesn't make a huge amount of effort and mostly jabs me in the back with his hard on. I'm exhausted by the kids and frankly feel fat and frumpy.

Imnotaslimjim Sat 15-Oct-16 21:20:27

YANBU at all on the sex front. If my DH did that he'd be told where to go and we have a very loving relationship!

For you, I think the lack of affection and help with the DCs is not making the situation any better.

I don't really have any advice for you, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. There will be plenty of MNer's along soon with loads of amazing advice. It's what they're known for. flowers

Dadaist Sun 16-Oct-16 00:45:08

Well of course you are not being unreasonable to outline the reasons your sex life is not good. But it is entirely different to suggest that, because there are reasons that your DH feeling unsatisfied, that there is nothing to address.
About your sex life you say, "To be fair it's almost non existent." And as for physical intimacy that "actually I want my own space"
I think it is not unreasonable for your DH to be dissatisfied with this either. Obviously you need to talk and find compromise and address the things that are preventing sex and intimacy in your relationship - and hopefully the wisdom and experience of MNers might have some good suggestions. But YABU to think that there is no problem here and nothing to see.
You both sound stressed, burdened with work and childcare and not communicating very well about each other's needs. You don't want poking in the back, you do need more support, you are not feeling a need for physical intimacy, and are building up resentments and stresses. You feel less confident in your body and have no time for yourself. Not seeing these as problems, not talking about them, and leaving both of you feeling dissatisfied with the consequences for different reasons - that is far less reasonable.
Why not try and untangle these knots now your DP has at least found the nerve to raise a symptom that's making him unhappy? I'm sure there are a lot of small things you could change to make a big difference for both of you.

VimFuego101 Sun 16-Oct-16 00:56:24

YANBU, but you both sound very stressed and unhappy.

JoJoSM2 Sun 16-Oct-16 02:09:17

You are clearly pretty resentful... And what's that comment about his mother got to do with anything? By the sound of it, he's out working almost round the clock to provide for his family.. Do you not appreciate that at all?

On a different note, Isn't there any respite care available to allow you to have time to yourself/couple time? If you'd like your husband to put more effort in, you could arrange a nice evening together with lots of massages, cuddles and kisses etc.

Euphemia Sun 16-Oct-16 04:51:14

Could he make changes at work so he's around more? Am I completely out of order in suggesting that he's deliberately coming home late ...?

Msqueen33 Sun 16-Oct-16 05:33:26

Jojo i merely mention his mother as he's used to be pandered to and fawned over and having things his way. And I do appreciate him working as I tell him and do try and make life easier at home for him so he has to do very little.

Sometimes I wonder if he prefers to stay at work later so he doesn't have to deal with the kids and bedtime.

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