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DP not happy with our sex life

(50 Posts)
happymumof4crazykids Sat 15-Oct-16 19:29:50

Been with my DP 5 years we have 2 children together and I have 2 from my previous marriage. The kids are 12,10,2 and 1. We have always had an active sex life even during pregnancy. He works away all week and is only home 2/3 nights a week. We have sex most nights when he's home only doesn't happen if the kids are ill/awake /not settling and he has to be in bed early as he starts work really early (up at 3am first day back) We have normal sex and I dress up/ do role play we use toys etc but not all the time. Well more and more he wants me to dress up for him and have kinky sex. I really don't want to. It's fine as an occasional thing but it feels like way more effort than I want to do to do it all the time. I'm exhausted from having a baby that wakes 5/6 times a night every night and is regularly awake for a couple of hours in the middle of the night. I just want normal love making not a 3 hr sex role play session.
It all came to a head this week he ordered me an egg, a police dress up thing and a baby doll ( I already have loads of stuff) then got really shitty when I came down after getting the kids to bed and having a bath in my pjs. I was knackered after only having 2 hrs sleep the night before being up with the baby, and having been having sex with him. All I wanted was a cuddle watch some crappy tv and to go to bed and make love before going to sleep. Not dress up and have some long bloody session just because he bought me stuff I didn't even want. It's not like I just lie there and do nothing I enjoy sex and take an active role in both foreplay and sex but apparently that's not enough for him. I really think it's because he's watching porn all week while away and is now having some very unrealistic ideas what a healthy sex life is like. We have rowed non stop for the last 2 days now and I really don't know if I can live like this. Am I being unfair or is it really up to me to go to a shit load of effort for him when I get very little out of it?

ThatStewie Sat 15-Oct-16 19:33:41

He's an asshole. A selfish asshole. If he wants sex, he can start actually care for his kids. That would make you less tired.

The demands you participate in sex that you don't like is cruel and uncaring. It's an absolute deal breaker and I would be looking to end the relationship today. He's prioritising his cock over your health and happiness. There is no point when this is acceptable or the sign of a good partner.

AnyFucker Sat 15-Oct-16 19:35:33

You are being sexually abused

Stop giving into his demands. You don't want to do it, so don't. He is not entitled to any sexual access to you.

allthatnonsense Sat 15-Oct-16 19:35:38

Tell him to go fuck himself...

WarwickDavisAsPlates Sat 15-Oct-16 19:36:28

Wow, your dp doesn't know how good he has it. When DD was tiny and waking up all night I was very rarely in the mood for so much as a quickie let alone all that extra stuff you're doing.

Does he get up in the night with the children? When do you really get "time off"? Could it be that he just doesn't understand how tiring it is to be up with little ones in the night and have to function all day on next to no sleep?

Have you tried having a proper discussion about this without him having a strop? I'm hoping he is just being naive rather than a full on dick head.

AnyFucker Sat 15-Oct-16 19:36:33

Seriously, I would be telling him to fuck off back to his plastic ladies in porn. What a sad individual he is.

Msqueen33 Sat 15-Oct-16 19:37:55

He's being a real cunt!

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 15-Oct-16 19:38:22

You need to talk to him away from the bedroom.

No one should have sex that they don't want, period. Compromising can be difficult because someone still ends up having more sex than they want, and the other person still feels hard done by. But you have an absolute right not to have sex with him more or dress up or use toys if you don't want to.

You need to talk, though, because if you can't find a way forward than the relationship is likely to crumble. One or both of you is going to be seriously unhappy.

My DP works away all week and has 3 nights at home too, it's hard. My sex drive is higher than his and I miss him when he's gone, but thankfully we're relatively well aligned and I don't ever put pressure on him. I suppose sometimes I encourage him by sending him photos but we've previously talked and he's alright with that, it works for us. If you're not happy him buying toys or lingerie for you, he shouldn't. It's not fair to buy you gifts that you don't want to put pressure on you.

Are these the only styles of sex you have? Love making or dressing up/toys? Maybe there's a compromise between the two that could be worth a shot, if you want to try.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 15-Oct-16 19:39:56

I missed the rowing bit somehow blush I wouldn't let DP home if he started behaving like that. I've changed my stance - don't talk to him, tell him to fuck off and dress up a blow-up doll instead.

AyeAmarok Sat 15-Oct-16 19:41:01

I'm exhausted and turned off just reading about him, never mind having to do it!

Sounds like it is unreasonable expectations from porn. He's forgotten you're a human.

EmbarassedQuestion Sat 15-Oct-16 19:42:54

I suspect on the nights he is away he is using porn and whilst I've no issues against sporadic or small amoutns of use of porn I do think that the more he will use it the more kinky and out there he needs sex to be.

I don't know how you do it.

FellOutOfBed2wice Sat 15-Oct-16 19:44:49

Christ- his expectations are well out of line with what's realistic! He needs a reality check about life with small children.

SleepFreeZone Sat 15-Oct-16 19:49:31

Nope, nope and nope.

spankhurst Sat 15-Oct-16 19:54:03

He is being completely U. You need to make this crystal clear asap, or it'll get worse, I suspect. Sorry, OP. It's upsetting to realise that your partner puts his jollies above and beyond your wellbeing.

ageingrunner Sat 15-Oct-16 19:58:04

I'm amazed you've got the energy to have any sex at all with your waking baby. He needs to stop watching porn and start treating you like a real person instead of a sex doll.

Muser54321 Sat 15-Oct-16 20:00:56

I agree with ayeAmarach, I'm tired just reading that.

Tell him that you're turned off by entitlement and his expectations. What about the sex life YOU want. He is acting like some sleazy guy paying a sex industry worker and you're a mother of four children, two of them his. Why does he want to treat you like that?

JinkxMonsoon Sat 15-Oct-16 20:07:51

I was knackered after only having 2 hrs sleep the night before being up with the baby, and having been having sex with him. All I wanted was a cuddle watch some crappy tv and to go to bed and make love before going to sleep

Wait a second.

You'd had two hours sleep the night before, had already had sex that day, was happy to have sex again that might, and your DH was pissed off because you didn't want to get the costumes and toys out?

Jesus. I hope my DH never reads this thread because suddenly sex once a month (or less) sounds unreasonable. I am fucking knackered 24/7 and have no libido at all. Your husband should be jumping for joy over what he has now.

Coconutty Sat 15-Oct-16 20:11:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marmalade85 Sat 15-Oct-16 20:13:40

What a sad post OP. Does he ask you what you want? How utterly exhausting to be treated like a sex doll when you have 4 children to care for.

leaveittothediva Sat 15-Oct-16 21:18:29

I really do feel for you, it's like he is coming home every weekend and expecting a sexathon. He's really being very self centered. You are not being unfair to him, if anything you are being way too accommodating. I seriously don't know how you are managing at all. I'm not surprised your fed up. I can't believe he was so totally unreasonable with you, when you had already had sex with him. Please try an get some quality sleep. He wants a slap. flowers

ravenmum Sat 15-Oct-16 21:37:04

Buy him an apron, a cookbook and a wooden spoon and tell him to cook you both a delicious meal, as that is what you want. Then get pissed off and sulk if he won't.

footballwidow12 Sat 15-Oct-16 21:55:57

YANBU.....tell him to put the outfit on and jog on and have a wank somewhere. He ought to count himself lucky that you are willing to have sex three nights a week. If I had DC that were getting up that often he would get precisely non....wink

PoldarksBreeches Sat 15-Oct-16 22:18:47

This really is terribly sad and fucked up. You have 4 kids including a sleepless baby and he's sulking over lack of role play dressing up shit?
You know what I would be feeling in your shoes? That I'm obviously not 'enough' for him by myself. That would kill any desire I had from pure sadness.

IreallyKNOWiamright Sat 15-Oct-16 22:39:58

I agree with any fucker you are being abused. When has he at all attended to your needs. When has he dealt with getting up in the night so you can carry on sleeping..I'm sorry op but you need to tell him to leave, and he needs go get therapy. I wouldn't be suprised if he is addicted to porn and using prostitutes too.

Beebeeeight Sat 15-Oct-16 22:43:46

He doesn't want a girlfriend he wants a sexbot.

Buy him a doll.

Then leave.

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