Anyone's husband come crawling back?

[Jr567673]

Hi everyone, I'm in a bit of a dilemma...my husband and I have been together for 16 years and we have a 15 month old. He left 2 months ago saying he was unhappy. He then screamed at me a couple of days later that he didn't love me anymore. I had started to get over it and move on a bit with my life. He has then said that he cares for me, loves me but isn't in love with me, loves me but can't be with me to he doesn't know. In this time he has also filed for divorce and we were due to start mediation next week.
Anyway, he started texting asking if I needed anything for he baby and this progressed to doing the lawn, clearing the garage etc. I politely declined and have been in minimal contact since he left and kept the conversations around our son.
A couple of days ago I got a text from him saying he's made a huge mistake and wants to come home?
I have completely lost trust and feel that there may be an alterior motive here. Life obv wasn't what he thought it would be like, he thought he would be able to come round all the time to visit our son. I refused as he had threatened to call social servs because I had cried in front of our son (he has since apologised for this). He has moved into a rented house in a rough area and has literally thrown himself into work so not exactly embraced single life. A few weeks ago he said he'd never seen me look so good!
Anyone else reconciled when their husband filed for divorce and if so how did it go? My heart wants to say yes but my head is telling me I'm better off on my own

[KinkyAfro]

Sounds like the grass wasn't greener, I bet he's had the boot from another woman. Be very careful OP

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

How old is he? Is it possible he was having a bit of a midlife crisis? Maybe see how it goes seeing him again but not full on him moving back in. Was he a good husband before all of this happened?

[ImperialBlether]

I wouldn't be with anyone who threatened me with social services. He saw you were upset so threatened you with that? He's a thoughtless, selfish idiot.

I'd give it more time anyway, if you're tempted to give in. The longer he has to stew, the better.

[keepingonrunning]

Kinky's nailed it.

[Jr567673]

Thought this in the beginning but pretty certain there isn't one... before he left he was going out less not more, he looks awful and I think if there was one he would be grinning like the Cheshire Cat lol! Been to his place a few times and no evidence that there is someone else?

[ImperialBlether]

What were the 15 years like from meeting until your baby was born?

[ayeokthen]

It hasn't happened to me, but a good friend of mine's husband left her, did most of what you describe, then crawled back 6 months later, before leaving her again 8 months down the line because he'd met someone else.

[EnoughAlready43]

Nah - don't take him back.
It'll just be more of the same and anyway you're better off without him.

[Jr567673]

He's 33 so too young for a MLC I think. Our relationship had ups and downs as everyone does. I was thinking more along the lines of depression so he's walked out, took it too far and filed out of anger.

[HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood]

He made it clear how he feels, and threatened you to boot. All that has happened is he suddenly discovered exactly how much you do for him, and that maybe he should have appreciated it while he had it.

But dear god no - don't take him back. He had no respect for you before, and is unlikely to gain any if you let him back.

[Jr567673]

Thanks ladies! Knew I just needed a virtual slap lol! Everything happens for a reason and I hear. Brad Pitts newly single!!! I'm also a great believer in karma so will wait and see

[HappyJanuary]

Another one who thinks there's an ow hidden away somewhere but it's not working out as he expected.

He didn't make a snap decision. He planned it. He filed for divorce. He said cruel things to you. If he comes back now it's not because he wants you, it's because you're less bad than being single.

I know it sounds harsh but I really think it's true. My ex left in similar circumstances and an ow surfaced. He regularly asks to come home. He cries and apologises and says he regrets everything but it's too late. What he regrets is giving up his whole life for something that simply wasn't worth it, but he's still with her.

I've been on here years and I've never read a 'love you but not in love with you' story that didn't eventually involve an ow, but in many ways it doesn't even matter. Stick to your guns, you're worth more.

[sofato5miles]

My friend had been with her husband since they were 19. At 30, his sister died and he also became obsessed with yoga. After a few months it was apparent that he was very depressed. He always had a dark side but this was something else.

Counselling etc did not help and he told her that he no longer loved her. They broke up and she went to NYC devastated.

After 18 months, he came good (recovered from the severe depressed episode) and both of them were struggling to put their signatures on their divorce papers. They got back together and now have just had their second baby.

Apparently, at some stage there was an OW but that did not bother my frirnd as it was entire behaviour that upset her more.

[LellyMcKelly]

No way would I take him back. I'd put money on an OW who backed off pretty quickly once he left you. You are well out of it.

[LemonSqueezy0]

I don't know whether there's an OW and you seem pretty sure but in any case you are the only one who can decide if there's a relationship there gnats actually worth saving. The hardest part has been done - you've split, you're getting on with life. Don't go backwards just because he wants to. But by the same token, don't feel you need to cut your nose off to spite your face - it's your choice, so just take your time making it. Good luck

[hermione2016]

You were obviously together from a young age and perhaps this was his need to be alone for a period of time.There could have been an OW or someone that he thought he was interested in.

You seem to have recovered well from the separation, in some ways was this a relief to you?

Assuming you are similar age, you really do have the opportunity to live a different life if you want.
Focus on what you want, was the relationship working for you beforehand? Is this a man you feel you could connect with again?

[AntiqueSinger]

I would be very cautious about taking him back. Especially when he expressed dissatisfaction about your life together as his reason for leaving. After all if he comes back, what would have changed for him? There does not see to have been a definitive reason for him going as far as filing for divorce, and his threat of social services smacks of a streak of petty meanness and spitefulness.

In fact if it was OW at least they'd be a firm framework, or reasons for his decision to go. In which case with ow out the picture there would be reason to think something would change were he to return.

If you take him back there is a high likelihood of him becoming dissatisfied again and leaving later down the road having put in place better contingencies to cope without you. How would you feel were this to happen? My guess is very used. It's up to you, it's your marriage, and I think people do give up too easily, but I would need real reasons that explained his sudden loss of love for me before risking the progress I made it break-up and my heart.

Whatever you do, I wish you all the best

[1smartyMCflurry]

There's an OW somewhere.
I read an article once, written by someone who deals with marital fallouts and they stated that, in their experience, very few men will leave the security of a marriage unless they have someone else waiting in the sidewings.
It's one of the reasons Widowed men are so quick to get girlfriends, whereas widowed women can happily wait years before even thinking about being with someone else.
Men don't like being on their own.

There will be someone else, hidden well from view.
The 'someone else' has either knocked him back or he's realizing that the affair doesn't stand up to the cold light of day and every day living.

If you take him back, it's because he sees you as a the consolation prize. She doesn't want him so he's coming back to you with his tail between his legs.
Sorry.

[TheNaze73]

You'd only be an option to him, it's not worked out with the OW.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I echo pps who questioned his coming back, because nothing has changed. He was unhappy, he didn't love you - so why does he suddenly think he does now?

Could it be that he thought the grass was greener and the girls would be queueing up for him, and has now realised that they aren't? But you don't want to be anybody's fall-back position, do you, OP?

It might be a midlife crisis, who knows? But, in that case, until he sorts himself out and finds out just why he was so unhappy and convinced he was no longer in love with you, it will just repeat itself.

Lots of space and about a year apart should decide matters.

[Cawfee]

It would be a no from me. He threatened social services? Pretty yukky excuse for a man if you ask me.

[Gruffalina72]

Threatening you with social services for crying in front of your child is not remotely normal or acceptable behaviour. You don't need someone who would treat you so callously and manipulatively in your life.

Trust your instincts.

His behaviour reminds me a bit of this: m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

[Okki]

Zombie thread