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Advice needed desperately. Should I stay or go?

(6 Posts)
Wanderlust87 Sat 15-Oct-16 12:58:46

Sorry in advance if this is a bit long . Have nobody irl to really talk to about this. I've been with my dh for 9 years and he is a good man. He's dependable and kind, basically a good person .We own our own house and have 2 boys and a girl together, and have fairly nice life. However , over the time we have been together we have actually nearly split up about 5 times, each of those times has been at my initiation and because of my unhappiness. Basically each time this has been because I have felt like I'm not in love with dh , and feel physically unattracted to him. Each time we have come close to splitting, then I think what we stand to lose- the family unit that the kids have , our shared memories, and then I brush things under the carpet and carry on . Each time I will put in an effort , or perhaps a bit of an act , to make things good , but it never lasts.

I think I just don't feel how a wife should about her husband. I can just about bring myself to have sex with him when I try but it's a chore, and I hate that I'm.saying this, but I can't stand kissing him. I should add that I was only 21 when we married , I've changed so much and I feel like I've evolved into a different version of myself. It feels like she is still the same . We don't have a connection anymore beyond a superficial level-ie we can talk about the TV or the news or normal stuff but I can't connect with him on a deeper level than that .

He can be very immature and laddish sometimes which really irritates me. Also he sometimes does silly attention seeking stuff . For example when we are in public he will make a very obvious attempt to turn conversations with people around to his career achievements and interesting things he has done which is cringeworthy. Sometimes i catch him exaggerating or making little white lies up to make things seem more interesting than they are. However I am perfectly aware that nobody is without fault, especially not me !

We are currently in a really bad patch, haven't had sex since March blush , sleeping in separate rooms, basically just rubbing along like housemates. He went away last year for a long period working away and I didn't miss him at all. That's not normal is it ? Leaving him , as well as painful for kids, wider family and him, would be difficult. I'm a sahm, living far away from family, and don't drive . So it would be very hard at first . I feel incredible guilt at the thought of leaving him and shattering my childrens lives, especially as we can get along and be friendly, but I'm just not sure this is how life is meant to be , forever.
Sorry that was really long!!

TheNaze73 Sat 15-Oct-16 13:03:39

Let him go, so you can both find happiness. You need to be firm though, the 5 "actually nearly split ups" will have made him thing you have no bite, just all bark.
It sounds like the classic scenario of meeting too young and changing

Wanderlust87 Sat 15-Oct-16 13:06:55

Yes, definitely think we both deserve happiness. It's just so hard to think of hurting the kids , and hurting him really . As I know he loves me . I read about people who get divorced and regret it , and this really worries me . But I definitely agree i think we were just too young. Marriage at 21 not a good idea !

leaveittothediva Sat 15-Oct-16 13:09:41

You're just making each other miserable, they children will pick up on this anyway, so you may as well cut your losses now and split up. It's clearly going nowhere. It's sad, I know, but you can't go on like this. Good luck.

Wanderlust87 Sat 15-Oct-16 14:05:47

Thankyou . I'm just incredibly sad, scared and worried that leaving would be a mistake. I think about happy times we have had,holidays, the birth of our DC's ,and it makes me cry . The thought of telling my parents fills me with dread . The thought of telling my children breaks my heart . I'm so very depressed right now .

Dadaist Sat 15-Oct-16 15:26:37

Hold on OP - slow down and think before you make real life changing decisions. EVERYTHING you have said does not say 'I want out' it says 'I don't want to feel like this'. You feel that you should feel different - and you should feel more in love with DH than you are. But - you haven't told of abuse, or bad behaviour or disrespect. And I think you are facing it yourself that you are depressed - which has a massive impact on your ability to love confidently and positively. What's worse is that your marriage has been neglected for years, and recent months have really brought home to you that this is not how things should be.
Of course you've changed and grown - but whether you have outgrown is not clear because you haven't said you feel stifled or held back - it's sounds more as though you feel numb.
I honestly think that before tearing up your family you should give some thought as to whether you can rekindle your relationship - because is can happen. Many couples in counselling discover more and sooner than they ever expected. Like at the hight of a blazing row you can rarely imagine just how different you will feel a day later when making up. And although the feelings you describe seem far away - it may be that there are some ingredients missing and some heat needed to bake your cake from your soggy tasteless dough.
So if you haven't even started to talk with your DH about these feelings you haven't given him or your relationship even half a chance to turn things around.
You sound understandably full of dread at the though of divorce. With children and family it means that every birthday, every Christmas, every family celebration is divided, and children are affected by the break up of parents. So it has to be the option after trying - not before you've even begun. It's a real shame you've allowed things to deteriorate this far - but is happens.
Honestly - start the conversation with DH - seek counselling for your depression and together over your marriage. See what small things you can do that could bring back the happy feelings you've just spoken of. If you ever have truly loved DH - and nothing especially bad has happened, then at least give yourself six months of doing something different to revive things before plunging for seperstion and heart break.
I have no doubt that divorce can turn out ok in the end - but few families are left without pain and scarring and most divorce happens for important big reasons, not just neglect, drifting apart and a patch of poor mental health. It happens but it doesn't have to and its in your hands.
So you owe it to yourself, your marriage and your family to give it a go. Then at least separation will make more sense in your mind and for all involved?

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