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Asking for advice 8 years later

(5 Posts)
operaha Sat 15-Oct-16 09:34:43

Sorry if this isn't the done thing. I'm having a lay in and been pondering posting this for ages.
I am years out of a relationship that looking back, I view to have been emotionally abusive. Very.
After 8 weeks together, we went away to Brighton for a weekend and had a nice hotel, with a small balcony which was great as we both smoked. We stood out there having a cigarette before going out and he went inside. He locked me out there, I thought it was a joke. He then left the room, I thought it was a joke, he appeared outside, then proceeded to walk round the block. Right down on Brighton sea front, huge blocks so at least 5 minutes. I had no shoes, coat, drink, lighter, it was December.
I wasn't brave enough to get angry about it when he came back and laughed, I adored this man and was still thanking my stars he wanted me.
We went out that night and he got so drunk. We went back to hotel to get something and he passed out. It was about ten and I wasn't finished having fun. He'd had a go at me for not wearing stockings as he'd asked but they were fiddly and didn't go with my dress so I'd worn tights.
Anyway, my friend lived there the time and I knew she was at a party nearby. Called her arranged to meet at pub across the road and when I told her all this she said I had to leave now, it was a new relationship, nothing to lose. I was so addicted to him I didn't do this.
This is an example of his behaviour for the next 4.5 years until I grew brave enough to leave him.
I met someone else, I'm married now, I think I'm OK.
But that weekend will never leave me, how I wish I'd left him then, would have been so easy. I would never ever allow myself to be treated that way again.
I don't know why I'm posting, I've wanted to get this out for so long, I just had to.
I have a now adult daughter who is very like me, perhaps I'm thinking what advice I'd give her.
If I'd posted that as a relationship now, I think the advice would be pretty unilateral right??? I was such an idiot sad

category12 Sat 15-Oct-16 10:09:35

Perhaps tell her that story.

ImperialBlether Sat 15-Oct-16 17:31:36

This is so odd because I was reading a similar thing in the newspaper today, except that the woman who was locked out fell off the balcony and died.

Here's The Guardian article about it.

That man treated you appallingly, OP. Really, really badly. And he was testing you to see how much further you could be pushed, too. I'm so glad you're no longer with him.

Perhaps talk to your daughter about the case in the paper and then talk about what happened to you? Ask her what she would do in those circumstances. It's very scary when you see traits in your daughter that you recognise in yourself and you know they're not good or healthy. Talking about things will always help, though.

leaveittothediva Sat 15-Oct-16 19:29:59

It's an experience you once had, and you learned from it, that's a good thing. Definitely tell your daughter, isn't it brilliant that you now have the skills to be able to. You weren't strong enough to listen to your friends at the time, but you found the strength to leave from somewhere. It's an unfortunate fact that many women end up in relationships like this or worse, I was actually told by a family member that I probably deserved being assaulted by my then partner, imagine another woman saying that to you. You never forget, but you can't go back. Stop thinking about that weekend. It will do no good. You must concentrate on the good life you have now. It's most probably resurfaced because of you and you daughter being so alike. Give her the benefit of your experience. That's all you can do.

operaha Sun 16-Oct-16 09:54:19

It definitely plays on my mind because of her. She was devastated when we split up but I have carefully told her why as she's got to 18. She understands but I've kept this and many other awful incidents to myself.
He forced me to cut my wrist once to show how depressed I was. He made me have an abortion. He got me stoned to prove how mild it was. I wasn't depressed, I would have had a baby, I've never been so sick as from smoking half a joint.
Doesn't feel real anymore, which is good I think.

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