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EH H left, so painful, is this normal?

(9 Posts)
Lazymazy1 Sat 15-Oct-16 07:13:27

Things came to a head last night, although he's being nice I wasn't giving him a chance and he wouldn't take spare room to give us both space. He left.
I love him.
Keep telling myself I wasn't happy, I read everywhere he couldn't change so that's that.

My head is a mess. I'm worried he's done something awful. He's turned phone off etc.

Is this a normal reaction? thought I would just feel relief. This has completely thrown me.

KarmaNoMore Sat 15-Oct-16 07:17:26

Yes, it is normal. No matter how much or for how long you have wanted him to leave, it is still a shock to the system as you need to adjust to lots of changes you may not have considered.

Having said that, once the shock wears off and you start to find your feet is as if the sun has come out. It will take a few months to get there, but you will get there.

Lazymazy1 Sat 15-Oct-16 12:00:21

Thank you, I am so consumed. Just want to know I've made the right decision

KarmaNoMore Sat 15-Oct-16 14:14:59

I'm really sorry you are going through this, as I mentioned, it will be difficult at first. But you will get there. One day you will look back and realise how difficult your life was but you had it even noticed it was that bad.

Do you have any support, someone that you can talk to?

bikerlou Sat 15-Oct-16 14:40:14

Yes wild and crazy mood swings, grief, crying, dangerous thoughts are all normal. I wished my husband was dead a week before he left I was so fed up with him and we hadn't had sex for 6 months plus but when he actually left I thought I'd die from the grief - it was nuts. This went on for three weeks and I had to see my GP for meds to calm my mood or I'd have gone mad.
Trouble is it's not just a husband you are losing, it is the future you might have had, growing old together, the kudos of being married, always someone there to go out with, dual salaries if you both work. All the many advantages of marriage that you have lost - it all suddenly piles onto you like a baseball bat around the back of the head. Separation seems to rip up all you have however bad and takes away all your future. It takes time to get used to the status quo and adjust and you will gradually adjust.
You dream about this day coming then when it comes you are totally unprepared for the feelings you have.
Trust me you will settle down, get help from your GP. the meds help kill the pain until you can cope with it, talk to people. Start doing little things. In a few weeks you will not recognise yourself and you will also be able to see more clearly how this happened and that it was for the best.
You will be able to work out a future for yourself.

Lazymazy1 Sat 15-Oct-16 15:03:39

Thank you karma and biker
I just never expected this. I need to understand this is normal . I have been with him whole of my adult life. This is so painful.

Lazymazy1 Sat 15-Oct-16 15:04:23

After a few weeks biker you knew you'd made the right decision?

KarmaNoMore Sat 15-Oct-16 17:20:54

I remember sitting at the sofa on my first night on my own (when DS went to his dad's) amazed at the feeling of peace: No one to please, no one to recriminate me for what I had done or not done in the day, sheer bliss.

But the main realisation came about a year later I visited an attractions park with a friend and the kids. I had been with exh and DS there before and couldn't believe the difference in my mood and levels of stress. It had never been pleasant before. IYWIM.

If it helps, I spend the first week or two crying, couldn't keep anything in for weeks, and was feeling very lost and wondering if I had ruined my life by walking out of the marriage. I had been begging the ex for a divorce for 8 years by the time of the split. But again, once that things calmed down and I had my hours at work increased and learned about tax credits, I felt more secure. I can tell you I have no regrets (apart of not leaving sooner) but the transition was harsh.

Life is very good nowadays, I can't say I do not struggle from time to time but if I compare my married life to my current life... I know I will choose my current one no doubt.

Lazymazy1 Fri 21-Oct-16 19:16:13

I'm Updating...
My reaction was completely unexpected and made me doubt myself. I knew many others unfortunately in same situation who all felt relief after split.
Anyway, he left, told me he thinks MH issues are to blame , maybe I was too quick to judge the anger, the over working, the unkindness to EA when there maybe a different cause or reason.
So, after reflection of being away, he stopped blaming the world for his mistakes. He booked himself in for anger management. Started taking ADs , being more proactive. Kinder and calmer.
Will see how long it lasts. ..

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