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Husband has left me after 21 years

(43 Posts)
bikerlou Fri 14-Oct-16 21:02:18

So my husband has just gone after many years, I thought we were happy. I thought we were soul mates and would be together forever but clearly I was deluded.
I've been crying for three weeks now I'm just trying to sort out the mess, try and get a divorce and wonder why I could have been so blind and stupid for so long.
There are other people involved, not just one.
I will never take him back - there were betrayals and lies I can't forgive.
I have a part time job and my own house but how the hell do you start again in your mid 50's. It's a bloody nightmare.
I was always so smug about my own marriage - more fool me.

khaleesi71 Fri 14-Oct-16 21:14:43

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. You are not a fool because your were lied to and betrayed by someone you trusted, loved and shared your life with. Someone with better advice than I can offer will be along to guide you through the awful machinations that will result in a new direction for you. I wish you luck in finding a path through this x

bikerlou Fri 14-Oct-16 21:18:45

Thank you Khaleesi, he said on an internet forum he feels so free now and doesn't have to justify himself to anyone anymore and can go to nightclubs anytime he wants. Silly middle aged man.

Ohdearducks Fri 14-Oct-16 21:21:10

I'm so sorry bikerlou. You're free too you know, it works both ways and from the sounds of it you'll be better off without someone like him. Dust yourself off and hold your head up, you're worth a million of him flowers

Yourface Fri 14-Oct-16 21:21:51

What a loser. Sounds like a mid life crisis. He'll find out too late how green his grass isn't.

I'm sorry for your pain.

theansweris42 Fri 14-Oct-16 21:23:05

Ok bikerlou, I am sorry you're going through this flowers

AnyFucker Fri 14-Oct-16 21:25:13

I am sorry, lou

What a tool he sounds. Hopefully it won't be too long before you accept you are better off without this embarrassing waste of space

AcrossthePond55 Fri 14-Oct-16 21:27:42

flowers for you lou.

You aren't stupid and you weren't blind. You were being lied to and things deliberately hidden from you. He's a prick. You're an innocent victim.

May I suggest, though, that you not look at anything he posts online? It's enough to know that it's going to be hurtful, you don't need to know the specifics.

Start first by gathering RL support, your friends and your family. And don't think for one split second that you have to cover up what he's done. You owe him nothing and everyone should know what a sorry ass he is.

Second, see a solicitor. Wait, maybe that should be first!

bikerlou Fri 14-Oct-16 21:35:11

Thanks everyone.

you are definitely right about the forum thing but in a way I'm glad I know now.

I am independent financially and can manage but it's just the loneliness. I can't remember the last time I was alone and it's really hard, I have lovely friends and relations but coming home from work to an empty house is pretty tough.

Dating in my 50's urghhh.

Lilacpink40 Fri 14-Oct-16 21:37:33

I honestly didn't believe I'd move forward when my ex said he had OW. He left that night and my world was upturned. Things have changed over 9 months so much for the better for me. It may be a shock now, but I expect you were having to put up with a lot and hopefully in time you'll see a good way forward flowers

leaveittothediva Fri 14-Oct-16 21:45:12

Yep classic mid life crisis for him. Silly sod. You on the other hand are in your prime, Have a good long look in the mirror, and see how fabulous you are. Get out and about with some friends, start a new hobby, something as simple as a new hairstyle can do wonders. He's caused you enough bloody grief, by the sounds of it. Your new life is waiting for you. He will be sorry. Karma is a bitch. Be well. flowers

theansweris42 Fri 14-Oct-16 21:45:24

He sounds callous and self absorbed.
You won't need to start everything again though it feels that way. Because you're okay as you are.
You can thrive without him.
you can find your way on your own, and be alone, and be happy flowers

theansweris42 Fri 14-Oct-16 21:46:40

Know you feel shit. Its okay to feel shit. It will change.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 14-Oct-16 22:03:38

Try to put a 'spin' on coming home. Instead of thinking about it being lonely, remember that you only have to consider yourself right now. That you don't have to cook or do anything you don't want to do. You can have a bowl of cereal if that's all you want. You can plop down and watch whatever you want on TV. You can put on music and, if not dance, at least sway to it.

You may be alone right now, but that doesn't mean you have to feel lonely.

chattygranny Fri 14-Oct-16 22:15:46

I'm a few years older than you. Several of my close friends went through this and I can honestly say that most of them now think he did them a favour. Either they've found someone who deserves them or they're happy alone. You'll get there. Best wishes.

AdoraBell Fri 14-Oct-16 22:25:25

So the idiot is going to be the oldest rocker in town?

As Across said, try to see the freedom you now have. thanks

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Fri 14-Oct-16 22:55:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bikerlou Sat 15-Oct-16 00:05:01

Do you know what? I really didn't want him to go and wept and mourned uncontrollably but now I'm relieved, I realised how very unhappy I had become and what a bloody mess he always made everywhere.
Also I was sick of having no tv, never being able to change into PJs after work because he didn't like either.
My ds bought me a load of lovely toiletries and some comfy PJs, dressing gown and slippers and I change the minute I get home - I may even get a onesie :-)
I've bought a second hand tv and I'm having that put in tomorrow - aerial guy is coming over and I'm going to get a second hand disgustingly comfy sofa to flop on.
I've also arranged a lodger who is moving in next month for some much needed extra cash and gone back full time, and I have cats.
The lodger will pay for my divorce, I want it over asap, I'm not rich but I have enough and quite honestly if someone wants to leave me for something as shallow as nightclubs and thrills then fuck him.

PickAChew Sat 15-Oct-16 00:21:50

Your DS has grown into a very wise young man smile

Hard as it seems, you don't have to go out and contrive the dating game. Enjoy this newfound freedom that you're starting to appreciate. I think it's something that you owe yourself flowers[shite TV]

AcrossthePond55 Sat 15-Oct-16 00:22:37

Beautiful update!!! You rock.

πŸ•πŸ•πŸ• and 🍷🍷🍷and 🍰🍰🍰 for your night of πŸ–₯. Sorry, I don't have a sofa or jammies emoji!

mydietstartsmonday Sat 15-Oct-16 00:24:21

Love your DS. Stay strong the only wat is forward.

Ohdearducks Sat 15-Oct-16 07:37:20

The more you describe him the more I think he's done you a favour! What a controlling prick he sounds. Thank goodness that hasn't rubbed off on your DS who sounds lovely. Onwards and upwards I say.

Squeegle Sat 15-Oct-16 07:41:48

Oh my goodness. No tv. No getting changed after work? Well.. things are going to improve big time!! He doesn't sound that caring if he imposed those things on you. You will be fine .. honest.. have you thought about a pet, they do help. 🐈

Millionreasons Sat 15-Oct-16 07:50:43

Well that's your weekend sorted - a glass of wine in front of X factor and strictly. Can't beat it.

I got a onesie when I divorced too!

It sounds like you are sorting your life out already. Good luck to you and your new life.

BringMeTea Sat 15-Oct-16 08:11:33

What a positive update! Still a way to go I'm sure but you WILL be happy. Sooner than one might think by the sounds of it. Getting rid of a controlling partner can only be a good thing. Enjoy some tv and pj wearing. flowers And I agree your ds sounds very well brought up!

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