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Feeling very hard done by, don't want to become bitter!

(28 Posts)
Jules8432 Thu 13-Oct-16 21:28:25

Not been with crazy ex for 8 years due to how volatile/abusive he was. But I loved him with ALL my heart he was my best friend, Best lover, shared some very special times together as a family but he's a v damaged person.
We had to break up because I couldn't cope with him and didn't want the drama around our son.

For the 1st time he appears to be off the drugs, drink and got a pregnant gf. He has committed a few drunken crimes (1 v bad) in the past year including damaging some of my property but my mind has decided to convince me he's finally become all the things I so desperately wanted him to be and it's killing me because that's the only reason we've not been able to be a family sad
And now I'm on my own and I feel they're skipping off into the sunset (up the road from me where they've just moved toπŸ™„)

I weirdly feel slightly bitter, jealous and upset which has knocked me as I never thought I'd feel these things ever again about him as I thought he'd never change.
He's been in and out of prison, a heroin addict and alcoholic for most of our sons life (not paid 1 penny on bdays etc) and now they're both loving life with a fresh start/new life as she's loaded and I'm still plodding along trying to make ends meet.

Just feels so unfair.
I know it sounds like I need to get over it after so long but I was.
Time has kinda stood still as he's pretty much been in prison the whole time.
Now I feel like he's the one having the last laugh when I'm the one who's tried so hard to put right all the wrongs he did sad
He wants to see our son but he's not interested.
He bad mouths me for not wanting contact and apparently stopping our son seeing him but it's just not true. I don't know why he dislikes me so much when all I've done wrong is refuse to have contact. It's just too painful and dangerous because he was like a drug and it scares me that I could get hooked again. Even after all these years! Also if I'm honest it hurts to think he loves the new girl more than me. He told my best friend he never thought it would be possible to love someone how he loved me but he does which broke my heart to hear.

Living on your own with an overactive imagination is soooo annoying
Please someone tell me to get a grip!

Also can psychos change? Why does he want to get to me/hate me so much? πŸ€”
I wish they didn't move so near me 😩

springydaffs Fri 14-Oct-16 00:16:28

All those feelings are perfectly understandable. Heck, I even felt a bit kinda jealous when my revolting ex re-married - largely because I was in the same position as you (working like a dog, trying to stabilise the ship, etc). I would have found it very difficult if they moved up the road from me. When the reality was she could have him with bells on as far as I was concerned!

I suppose I felt replaced when he remarried. Plus I hadn't met anyone (chance would have been a fine thing as I was up to my neck in domestic stuff, scraping to pay the bills thanks to the shockingly bad settlement). He put it about he had never known what love was until he met her. Vom.

imo these types of very tricky people are full of shit: mouth moving, they're lying. yy they may stabilise at some point far in the future on their deathbed but generally they don't.

I wonder how much he'd love her if she wasn't loaded? Just saying.

You are so well rid.

HeddaGarbled Fri 14-Oct-16 00:18:42

OK, number one, he may be playing mister perfect family man with new pregnant girlfriend, but he won't be able to keep it up long term. The drugs, drink, violence, propensity to crime & abuse will rear their ugly heads at some point in the future. Poor new girlfriend when she has to deal with all that with her new baby. Don't envy her that.

Two, don't take any notice of what he said to your best friend, he's full of shit and you can't believe anything he says. Who does he love the most ....... himself. You and the new girlfriend are just his playthings. Don't fool yourself into thinking he loves you. He doesn't give a toss about you, your child, his new girlfriend or their child to be. He only cares about himself.

He is acting as if he dislikes you because you saw through him and stood up to him and stopped letting him abuse and manipulate you and your child. He is hoping that if he treats you badly enough, you will comply with his demands. He's a bully and you are awesome for standing up to him and protecting yourself and your child from him.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Fri 14-Oct-16 01:21:25

I second what has already been said but also want to add, have a word with your friend and tell her that you don't need to hear anything about him, his new love or how he felt/feels about you. She was tactless to share something like that with you. Who on earth would want to hear that?


Saltfish Fri 14-Oct-16 03:20:24

I find it interesting he told your best friend how he felt about his new gf....I'm sure he had high hopes that she'd relay the message to you to rub it in your face.

He's full of shit. Truly happy people don't have to rub it in others faces. It's all a facade and I feel sorry for his current gf.

TheDowagerCuntess Fri 14-Oct-16 04:14:43

God, that poor woman, lumbered with such a loser of a human being. <---- ---- That's what you should be thinking!

He sounds dreadful. Absolutely fucking dreadful.

You should be dancing a jig that he's finally someone else's problem, and move on with your life. Where here are literally millions of better options out there - unavailable to you, as long as your pining over this failure.

Jules8432 Fri 14-Oct-16 07:35:01

Morning ladies (and gents if any) smile

Thank you so much for your responses. It's good to hear well balanced voices of reason!

Even I know it's not normal to feel slightly comforted thinking he must still love me because he wrote his name on my car. But they condition you into thinking they only do these things "because they love you so much" πŸ™„

It feels v final now because he's moved on and I suppose it's been the kick up the bottom I've needed to want to meet someone myself as it's prob the only thing that's going to stop me thinking about them (wish so much they hadn't moved up the road 😩) .

I've not had a relationship since him as I was happy it just being me and my son and friends etc.
But now my son's 14 he's off with friends and I'm 34 not knowing what to do with myself as all my friends are settling having babies! (I did it all the wrong way round πŸ™ˆ)

I'm finding it quite difficult to be attracted to nice, normal guys though? It's like I think I must not like them because I don't feel the weird unhealthy obsession I thought was love and they must not like me because they're not all over (borderline stalking me πŸ™ˆ)


Cabrinha Fri 14-Oct-16 09:54:26

Writing his name in the dust on your car and deliberately moving close to you isn't borderline stalking you.
It is stalking you.

Still jealous of the poor cow he's dragged pregnant into his silly games just to headfuck you?

doji Fri 14-Oct-16 10:18:13

Look up the freedom programme if you haven't already, or see if you can get some counselling.

You're not alone in getting caught up in the drama and craziness that surrounds these guys (been there done that) and finding it incredibly hard to move on. You know full well he hasn't changed (he wouldnt be trying to fuck with you all the time if he had), but sometimes we all need some outside help to get out of these destructive loops and to understand what it is in us that keeps us seeing the problem as the solution (be that alcohol, drugs or a fucked up relationship). It's hard to find your way free, but so worth it....

category12 Fri 14-Oct-16 12:23:24

Actually it's not unusual for people who have wronged you to be even angrier and hateful towards you, rather than being sorry - it is a kind of cycle of self-justification, where you must be an awful person who deserves what they did to you.

Anyway you really need to get him out of your head. He is stalking you and it is not because he loves you, it's not coming out of a good place, it's coming out of a fucked up place. He knows perfectly well he can see your child, but he would rather not and would rather slag you off. That's not the mark of a changed man.

Is there any possibility of you moving? I think if not, you should consider getting legal advice to see what you can do to keep him away from you.

mamakena Fri 14-Oct-16 13:17:49

I'm in a similar situation, with 2 kids. he's remarried... he's such an angry hateful jerk that each time I deal with him I smile and say 'yeah, she can keep her prize' at least I go can go home to my peaceful solo life than deal with that day in day out.

Your ex is a addict loser... hope he stays clean for the sake of the children, but my dear that is no prize. you're better without him.

I do agree if he's harassing you, moving away would be helpful.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Fri 14-Oct-16 13:36:10

Hi Jules, thank your lucky stars that you are rid of this total loser.
They may appear to be all loved up and happy now, but you know it won't last, he has form.
Perhaps, now that you realise, that you can move on in life, you should.
Don't tell them any of your plans, just find somewhere nice to relocate, if you can, maybe a part time job, if you don't work already, make new friends, accept every and all invites.
You are still young, your life in front of you, don't waste a moment longer, thinking about that useless, life sucking parasite. Take a leaf out of your sons book, and firmly close the door. He is the past. 🌺

HuskyLover1 Fri 14-Oct-16 14:10:09

He has committed a few drunken crimes (1 v bad) in the past year including damaging some of my property

So he's committed a crime this clearly he is NOT better.

Even I know it's not normal to feel slightly comforted thinking he must still love me because he wrote his name on my car

I guess that was scratched in to your car, rather than it being snow covered and him writing with his finger? If so, he's a fucking NUT JOB.

And regards his "in love" comment to your BF. That's bullshit, and only said to hurt you.

There are BILLIONS of penises on this planet. Pick one that's not attached to a psychotic, nasty, abusive, heroin/alcohol addict criminal. It's not hard. As for his new GF, I feel very sorry for her, and you should too. She may have no idea what he is like yet. But people don't change. Don't believe the version of their lives that you see from afar/on social media. It's utter claptrap. He s still the same twat he's always been.

You are only 34. By the time your son is an adult, you'll only be 38. Still young. Same age that I met DH. Get dating and put him to the very back of your mind.

Jules8432 Fri 14-Oct-16 16:05:57

Ok I'm starting to wake up and realise he's never going to change and actually they may be loved up with a new life etc but there's that old saying "wherever you go there you are" he may move, have her money, new baby etc but those demons will always be there. And we all know how stressful family life can be...

I think it's because he's suddenly moved up the road with her it's brought up some very weird/mixed emotions that I thought were long gone.
Scary how much these men get so deeply ingrained in your head! I'm a very strong person but when it comes to him it is literally like having to stay away from a drug that you pine for but know will destroy you in the end.

Now I need to train myself to like nice, normal guys 😊 Any tips?! X

TeenyW123 Fri 14-Oct-16 16:11:15

If he loved (!?!) you it would have been YOUR name he wrote on the car, not his. Sounds more like a threat to me.

category12 Fri 14-Oct-16 16:20:47

Have you done any counselling, the freedom programme, anything like that?

Sugarpiehoneyeye Fri 14-Oct-16 18:01:39

Good post Husky.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Fri 14-Oct-16 18:08:58

Jules, you'll find a nice man, if you let yourself.
A nice man, hopefully has a job, good manners, quiet confidence, good conversation, ability to listen, his own interests and good friends.
A nice family and good morals, to name but a few.
Don't go for rugged, brash, loud mouths, who love the sound of their own voice. Dossers, bully boys, In your face, full on boys, fighters druggies, gamblers, scammers, thieves or chancers.
You get the picture, now find yourself a good man 😍

TheDowagerCuntess Fri 14-Oct-16 20:00:39

'Nice, normal' guys are funny (often hilarious), sexy, good company, imaginative, caring, thoughtful, decent, principled. And they're also not pushovers who take shit.

You don't need to 'train' yourself to like someone like this - it's there for the taking. Most men are like this - most men aren't heroin addicts who trash peoples belongings and end up in prison.

You and DS will have a far better time with the former type of guy.

It's not about training yourself to like 'nice, normal' guys - because they're fundamentally way more easier to like than, um, fucked-up, criminal types. It's about changing your mindset so that you think you're actually entitled to the nice, normal ones, because you are.

springydaffs Fri 14-Oct-16 22:38:32

Any tips?! X

A pp had already given you tips: the Freedom Programme, counselling. I'm dealt seeps about both.

Because being addicted to baaaad guys doesn't come from nowhere. There will be a very clear history /trail. You just have to find it and work on it.

Because, sadly, it does take work. Not fair!

springydaffs Fri 14-Oct-16 22:39:02

Deadly serious!

springydaffs Fri 14-Oct-16 22:39:52

Deadly serious!

springydaffs Fri 14-Oct-16 22:40:24

Got that point across them

springydaffs Fri 14-Oct-16 22:40:46

Oh ffs

Jules8432 Fri 14-Oct-16 23:36:55

ha thanks springydaffs and everyone else smile
Its so good to get a proper reality check!
I'm gonna give the nice guys a chance πŸ‘πŸΌπŸ˜¬
I know some peeps will think how hard can it be dating someone decent πŸ™„
But the only way I can explain it is It's like dating Arthur fowler when all you've ever known is nasty nick... Showing my age now aren't I πŸ™ˆ
The point is that it's unknown territory and I almost don't know how to act with someone normal but I'll get there 😊

I do need to work out how I even got myself into this mess but I know in my heart I it's probs multiple factors.

I've had a few people close to me get cancer or die recently so I think I'm probs quite needy/vulnerable atm.
Also when my ex upsets or scares me it makes me want to see him? I think it's because only he can put it right/stop it if that makes any sense at all!?

After just watching 24 hours in A&E Im gonna get a grip, stop worrying about people that don't deserve my emotions/energy and concentrate on those that matter πŸ€—

Thanks again everyone, you really are a great support πŸ’

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