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My husband is a transvestite

(32 Posts)
babushka2012 Thu 13-Oct-16 21:08:15

5 months on from finding out that my husband is sleeping with a "Filipino bar girl" 20 years younger than him and THEN finding out that for 24 years of our marriage, he's been secretly cross dressing.... I'm still deeply hurt.
Although a divorce is now in process, my husband cannot see how much the cross dressing has devastated me. He calls it "just a hobby", yet in all those years, he kept it hidden. He'd wear my underwear, stockings, basques, dresses and heels and when on business trips, he go so far as to wearing full make up and wigs and buying blouses and skirts.
I understand that many people don't have an issue with this, but in all honesty, I feel duped. I also feel odd that I had no clue that as soon as I was at work or out with friends, my husband who I totally trusted was rifling through my underwear and using my sex toys.
Am I being totally unreasonable ?? I'd love your thoughts sad

freshstart22 Thu 13-Oct-16 21:09:48

No that's pretty fucked up. I'd need therapy to get over that one. Good luck and be thankful you know now.

treaclesoda Thu 13-Oct-16 21:11:05

I couldn't get over that either. I'd be very hurt, very angry and very confused. flowers

usual Thu 13-Oct-16 21:12:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoItTooJulia Thu 13-Oct-16 21:13:37

There was a thread on here a while ago from a man who wanted to tell his wife he was into cross dressing. I wonder if it would help to read that? Lots of women commented on how it would feel to be deceived for so long.

flowers this can't be easy. Just remember that it's ok to feel however you feel, to take things slowly and to talk to someone in RL.

Iamdobby63 Thu 13-Oct-16 21:15:44

No you are not unreasonable, it's the realisation that you only barely knew the man you had been married to for so long.


Yourarejokingme Thu 13-Oct-16 21:16:07

It's the secrets and lie for the last 24 years that would get to me.

If he'd been honest at the start I would of been fine with it. A bit weirded out by it at first.

Also he's having an affair and do you mean a ladyboy now that I wouldn't forgive an affair is and affair regardless of what sex they are.

Get checked out asap too

Now you have to decide what to do but I would be leaving or get him to leave.

babushka2012 Thu 13-Oct-16 21:27:59

I thought it was a ladyboy as she does look very masculine but "apparently she's not". It's not the affair so much as the lies and the secrets.
I cannot believe how I NEVER ever suspected, despite his lack of interest in sex.
I cannot tell you how messed up my head is. I truly love the man.

TiggyD Thu 13-Oct-16 22:52:43

But do you mean you loved who you thought he was, or who he turned out to be?

He's almost certainly had a really crappy life of trying to hide of himself. Constantly being afraid of being found out. Afraid that you'd be disgusted and leave him. Be saying it's just a hobby he's minimising it all, probably in readiness to say he's given it up, but really to hide it all over again.

Counselling for both/each/together would possibly be more use that a chat forum.

TiggyD Thu 13-Oct-16 22:53:50

Why the divorce by the way?

babushka2012 Fri 14-Oct-16 07:29:26

The divorce is because he's decided to leave the family for the bar girl !!LOL! What an idiot.

MatildaOfTuscany Fri 14-Oct-16 07:40:43

I think the "why the divorce" was perfectly obvious to those of us who'd bothered to read the Op properly, babushka don't worry. I hope you've got a shit hot lawyer to protect your share of the marital assets and your children's futures.

I'd be reeling too from the cross dressing revelations. It's not the cross dressing per se (though I personally think that when someone's behaved decently at the start of a relationship and mentioned they like cross dressing, the other person should be free to say whethertthey're happy with it with no "you ought to be cool with this, it's just a facet of my sexuality" pressure). But in your case it's the decades of deception, the secretly wearing your clothes - and presumably getting a sexual kick out of both the wearing of them and the deception. I'd be gutted by this latest revelation too.

babushka2012 Fri 14-Oct-16 22:31:01

Thanks for all you comments. It's been the most horrific time. xx

Peach9876 Fri 14-Oct-16 23:06:30

You feelings are your own and no one can tell you that they are wrong. They are feelings and we cannot control them. We can only control our actions.

I would suggest that your first action is to get some counselling or even see a psychotherapist. You have spent 24 years with someone who has deceived you, and understandably it will take time to move on. But it's been 5 months and I worry how deeply this has hit you. I think you need help and support from someone you can fully open up to and can help you analyse, accept and move on from those feelings.
I wish you look in all those aspects. Try to enjoy your life as much you can and focus on the good feelings that each day brings.

pontificationcentral Fri 14-Oct-16 23:14:58

Have you heard of the Beaumont Society? They have a 'women of' support section where you can get in touch with people in a similar position. As you are getting divorced, you may not feel it is appropriate, but it might help to share some of your feelings with other women who have been through the same thing?
I think anger and devastation are entirely appropriate though. Xx

bikerlou Fri 14-Oct-16 23:53:25

How I sympathise. My middle aged husband left me so he could go to fetish night clubs and doll himself up as a latex woman, after decades of marriage. I do hope it was worth it because he isn't coming back on the best day he ever had.

babushka2012 Sat 15-Oct-16 18:45:03

bilerlou - It's very hard. I get that people have kinks but I hate that it was kept from me for all those years.
I'm just hoping the shock dies down as I find it hard to keep my mind off it.

bikerlou Sat 15-Oct-16 19:34:27

Thsi is it. Honesty would have been nice, it's just been lies, lies, lies. If he had once said this is me, this is what I am but to be honest I still think we would have broken up. It isn't what I signed up for in marriage and not for you either by the sounds of it.

QueenSpartacusOfTheAndals Sat 15-Oct-16 21:56:24

why the divorce

FFS Tiggy, isn't it perfectly obvious?

Sorry you're going through this OP. Stay strong and I hope you get through it ok in the end.

HermioneWeasley Sat 15-Oct-16 22:01:12

tiggy please stop implying it's OP's fault for not being a cool enough wife. Her husband is clearly a tosser

Muser54321 Sat 15-Oct-16 22:03:02

I don't blame you. No wonder you feel betrayed and duped. I think it's easy to be very politically correct when it's somebody else's husband cross-dressing.

IzzyIsBusy Sat 15-Oct-16 22:05:08

OP. You trusted your husband.
Thats ok. You are supposed to. The fact he betrayed your trust is not something YOU are meant to feel responsible for.

Tiggy stop being a tit.

TiggyD Sat 15-Oct-16 22:50:31

There were 2 issues in the OP. I was wondering if it was the first, second or both that was the reason for the divorce.

IzzyIsBusy Sat 15-Oct-16 22:54:57

Both issues are reason enough for a divorce....are they not?

1) affair
2) major lie for 20 yeats about lifestyle.

What does it matter which is the reason?

SpaceUnicorn Sat 15-Oct-16 23:51:33

What does it matter which is the reason?

Depends how 'right on' and 'zeitgeist cool' you're trying to be wink

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