Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Prying, drama-queen future MIL putting me right off her. A rant.

(18 Posts)
sweetstemcauli Thu 13-Oct-16 14:21:04

NC for this. Super-gossipy doom-mongering stbMIL's latest message to me is about how 'hurt' she was to see DP upset after she walked in after a disagreement between him and me. DP is not a little flower and doesn't need any 'protection' from anyone, so the idea is a real joke. Our insignificant row was private and has all blown over but she is aching to find out what it was about.

DP is all for writing to her (and FIL, who enables her) to tell them to back off with their relentless nosiness, especially as there is a family event soon where she will get centre stage to say what she wants because we won't be there. I think a letter will make no difference at all and that she will do what she wants and put whatever spin she likes on what happened. She would love to break it to everyone that our relationship is in trouble, when the truth is very far from it.

I replied to the message just saying that I didn't believe she meant to be rude or chastising, and that I was prepared to let it go. She hasn't replied to that. I think it has changed our relationship with her because I no longer trust her, and she could go into overdrive with her backbiting because to her knowledge is power and she tries to gather private information relentlessly with no shame at all. She just asks me anything that comes into her head and I can't stand it.

I really really want to elope!

AmeliaJack Thu 13-Oct-16 14:36:24

I wouldn't feed into her desire for drama.

Disagreements between you and your DP are none of business and I wouldn't discuss them at all.

I certainly wouldn't write a letter. If he wants to tell her in person to back off a bit, that's fine it's his Mum.

PatSajack Thu 13-Oct-16 14:39:25

I agree with Amelia. I think a letter or even another email gives the whole situation more importance than it deserves. Let your DP deal with his mom but encourage him to keep it low key and not let her turn it into a big thing. She's going to say what she's going to say to other people and there's nothing you can do about that so don't waste your head space worrying about it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 13-Oct-16 14:42:17

No don't elope. Emigrate.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 13-Oct-16 14:51:19

Elope away - what's stopping you?

SallyR0se Thu 13-Oct-16 14:54:59

Why don't you elope? She will be upset, but frankly, so what? I'd have no truck with her. She's going to be in your life, but only as much as you want. Sounds emotionally needy. I don't see my husband's family & I don't care what they think of me!

Pickled0nions Thu 13-Oct-16 14:57:24

Do the eloping and she will go bat shit I promise you.
My MIL did.
hmm

I would suggest not explaining anything to her. Don't write an email or letter you're only fuelling the fire, SHE WANTS TO KNOW.
Tell her nothing & move forward.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 13-Oct-16 14:59:19

I would keep well away from his mother as well as his enabler of a father. You also need to raise your boundaries a lot higher as well, you cannot respond to people who are inherently unreasonable (she certainly meant to be both rude and chastising) and you need to call her on such behaviour each and every time. Bad behaviour should not in any way be at all tolerated.

I would also read up on narcissism and see how much of that relates to your future MIL.

What does your man think of his parents these days; does he really think a letter is gong to make any difference (you are right in that it will not make any difference). Is he himself in a fear, obligation and guilt state when it comes to them, does he still seek their approval?.

It is not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way. Her own family of origin did that lot of damage to her. Was not all that surprised to read that FIL (himself a weak bystander of a man) enables her, women like this always but always need a willing enabler to help them.

With regards to yourself raise your own boundaries a lot higher and do not JADE in future (that is what you tried to do before and it does not work):-

If I try to justify my decision, the toxic would probably insist that I was wrong, because I didn’t do things their way.

If I try to argue with them, the toxic would probably take this as a personal attack against them, and escalate the situation.

A toxic person is so self-focused, they can’t accept any point of view that doesn’t 1000000000000000% agree with their own—and they generally take any disagreement as a personal attack.

If I try to defend my position, the toxic would also not be happy about this, since I would be refusing their control over me.

And trying to explain my choice could be the worst choice on my part, since the more information we give a toxic, the more ammunition they can use against us.

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 13-Oct-16 15:06:55

You do realise of course that she will likely make your wedding day all about her as well. Why were they at all invited?

These types of situations do not improve readily if at all; both of you are really going to have to put on a united front with regards to his mother.

Pickled0nions Thu 13-Oct-16 15:27:16

I don't think OP has said that she invited them unless she has? I think she was just expressing that she wants to elope given the situation, which I don't blame OP for.

I do hope you take some of the excellent advice given to you on here though. I mean, we can only guess what your MIL is like from the snippet you've told us. We don't actually know if she's a full on narcissist (though she sounds it) and if she were, then you would need to talk to your DP so that there was some understanding and agreement where the line is drawn.

RedMapleLeaf Thu 13-Oct-16 15:41:52

Don't make it in to a bug deal, just look puzzled, as if you don't quite remember and just explain it as a typical relationship disagreement.

What gives her the impression that it's more than that?

TheNaze73 Thu 13-Oct-16 18:03:26

Don't write to her, that would be a terrible move

AyeAmarok Thu 13-Oct-16 18:15:03

I think you have handled her pretty well OP.

ClopySow Thu 13-Oct-16 18:31:03

I think you've handled it well too. Just leave it there.

sweetstemcauli Fri 14-Oct-16 16:44:55

Thanks all for your advice, you know after thinking about it that made me want to ask DP how he feels about the wedding being just us with witnesses. I thought he would say his DP would be gutted and he couldn't do it to them but amazingly, he thinks it would be OK too and he will tell them. grin <overjoyed>

Not strictly eloping is it, but we won't give out the address of the venue to anyone, because I wouldn't put it past MIL to turn up anyway. I don't give a piece of poo what she thinks. And afterwards I won't JADE Atilla, you're dead right about that.

Oh, the power of MN!

madgingermunchkin Fri 14-Oct-16 16:51:45

Just don't tell them.

If they ask, say you've been too busy to think about planning anything. And then just announce one day that you got married.

You know that if you tell them that you're not having a big wedding and not going to invite them it's just going to make things worse.

sweetstemcauli Fri 14-Oct-16 16:55:41

Madginger, it's not an option for us not to tell them because we can't change the date, just the venue and attenders.

If there's a shitstorm that's going to be MILs choice, she's not the one getting married.

madgingermunchkin Fri 14-Oct-16 17:01:16

So just tell that due to unforeseen financial issues/work issues/some other plausible excuse you've had to push back the date.

I completely understand your thinking, but if this is how she has reacted to walking in on a usual disagreement between you and your DP, I can only imagine what shit is going to hit the fan about the wedding.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now