Still angry after EA ex

[Mistykit]

Hello.. I have posted before about my ex. He was EA to me and cheating on me when we were together. I haven't seen nor spoken to him in about a month and i'm seeing someone new (who so far, seems like a nice guy and taking things slowly). However, I still get moments of anger towards my ex and his girlf (one he cheated on me with) for being such an absolute dick. Then I'm getting annoyed with myself for wasting energy or headspace even thinking about what an ass he is. Gah! How long does it take to feel indifferent towards someone who was EA?

[Simonneilsbeard]

It's only been a month give yourself a break and it's normal to feel that way. you've lost a relationship , you've been treated badly and it's normal to be angry!
I left my EA ex almost 5 years ago, I'm now married to a wonderful man but I still find myself at times being angry at how I was treated . I can't give you a definite time frame as to when everything will be ok but give yourself permission to feel what you feel for as long as it takes

[Mistykit]

You're right beard. I was in another relationship for 2 yrs before (a long time ago when I was 16) which turned into physical abuse too. I didn't feel that much anger towards that guy.. relief afterwards because I got away, yes, but not much anger.

I don't know why I'm getting bouts of anger towards the recent ex. I don't like feeling angry or actually hoping that his current relationship falls flat and he gets what he deserves. I'm feeling bitter and I don't want to.. it's not my usual nature, but it looks like it is becoming my nature :(. I just wish I could not have him randomly pop into my head.

[Simonneilsbeard]

I have found my anger really comes from a lot of the things in the past being unresolved..sometimes I feel like he got away with treated me like crap. His family, friends and our mutual friends have no idea what he put me through or what he's really like and so I feel like he'll never 'pay' for what he did iycwim.
Also he never acknowledged or apologised for any of it, he doesn't think he did anything wrong so why would he
Perhaps it would be helpful to just talk it over with someone..having the odd rant here probably helps!

[Mistykit]

That's exactly why I'm feeling angry Beard. You have perfectly described my ex and his relationships with mutual friends/ past one with me. Although I think he gave his friends an ultimatum .. me or him.. he wouldn't want them to know what he is actually like.

My current wants to talk to me about the ex. .. wants to know more about the relationship. All I've said so far is the he was EA and (drunkingly) asked the current if he's "a nice one"... ugh. Yes, I am 12 when I'm drunk! I'm nervous of telling the new guy much in case I end up sounding bitter and I'm also ashamed that I put up with the things the ex did and said

[Keeptrudging]

It's none of your current bf's business. You could just say you're not wasting breath talking about your ex. It would worry me if your new bf is putting pressure on to 'tell all'.

[Mistykit]

Also worried that I'll basically be telling the current what my weaknesses are thereby enabling him to do the same if he is that way inclined. I can't trust my judgement anymore.

[MarvinGorilla]

A month isn't very long, give yourself time. It took me a couple of years to totally stop being being angry about my EA ex. I too felt hugely angry that he had got away with it all and treated me like such a mug. It will subside over time, I promise.

[Mistykit]

The current isn't putting pressure on. He asked once and I told him he can ask away another time.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

It is awfully soon to be in an actual relationship again. No wonder you are in a state. Give yourself a chance to chill for a while.

With the new person, I'd point out that you only recently ended with the ex, and you don't want to talk about it. You might want to one day when you know him well, if things progress that far. Perhaps say you aren't interested in hearing about his exes either at this point.

[Mistykit]

Thanks Marvin, Beard. I'll stop putting pressure on myself to stop feeling angry. The first time I bumped into my first EA ex I nearly threw up on him (came out of nowhere). Hope that doesn't happen with the recent.. esp on the tube (he lives one stop from me).

Ok.. I need to de-stress clearly.

[doji]

I still get the odd flash of anger 4 years on. Had a slight wobble a couple of months ago when I found out he got married, but mostly, I barely think of him now. It does take time, but you'll slowly care less and less.

It also took me a while to figure out that i was more angry with myself than him. I had let myself be treated like crap - and I was angry that I didnt walk away the first time he behaved like a twat. I'm still a work in progress, but it's 1000 times better now than it was (and I'm happier than I've ever been now too).

[Mistykit]

True Rabbit. I told the current that I'm only just out of a relationship so need to take things slowly... maybe he's worried that I'm rebounding. It's only been a few dates, so not a relationship yet. I'll say what you suggested

Thank you all for listening and letting me rant... and for re-assuring me that what I'm feeling is normal. I have a feeling I may need to do a couple more of these tangy threads in the future :s

[JellyBean31]

My ex was EA. A guy I was seeing asked about my past (not my ex specifically) I was embarrassed. I feel like when I tell "normal" people the stuff I put up with for so long - I sound like a dickhead! Stupid stuff like "go on then Jelly, lets see some embarrassing photos of you from before you were married" "err....I actually haven't got any cos exH made me throw them all out cos it upset him to think I wanted reminders of a time before I met him?"

WTF....what a dumbass I was!!!

[Simonneilsbeard]

I haven't told my husband everything that I went through. He knows the jist, he knows I was treated appallingly and some of the details but Iv not told him everything. There is a definite element of shame, questioning yourself, asking why the hell you tolerated any of it but like pp have said It gets easier.

[Mistykit]

Hindsight is a wonderful thing Jelly. It's embarrassing isn't it. Christ, I fell for it twice. I feel so stupid.

We all need to remind ourselves that they are predatory who select vulnerable & genuinely nice people to do this to as opposed to us feeling in any way bad about ourselves for actually being good people. Easier said than done.. but as you guys say.. time helps.. I'm just being impatient because I want him out of my head.

[Mistykit]

I have an old text from him telling me that she is a drunk (when I was under the impression that they were just friends). I'm angry enough and half tempted to screenshot it and send it to her

[stubbornstains]

This is a timely thread. I have spent today feeling ridiculously angry- OK, partly because I'm tired because DS2 had a bad night last night, partly because I'm fasting (5:2), but mostly because my EA ex is seeing someone new.

Thing is, it's been almost 2 years since I ended it (when I was pg with DC2), but during that time he has spent a lot of time with us- yes, it's been helpful with a small baby, but it also means I've had to be his verbal punchbag whenever he had an outburst.

Over the course of a year I've managed to claw my space back, but it's meant a nasty argument when I told him he had to stop sleeping over at mine, a nasty argument when I told him he had to have the kids at his rather than playing half heartedly with them in my living room while I ran around doing all the housework and cooking all the meals, etc.etc.....

And now, he can just move on scot free and be having lovely new relationship fun, even though he's the abuser, and the one that caused the end of our relationship! While I currently feel worn out, unattractive, and overweight- from having his baby. And also having little hope of meeting someone decent- it just seems to me that all men have their nasty side, especially the ones that happen to be single in their forties

It's not fair, is it?

[Mistykit]

No, it's not fair Stains. I think everyone has the potential to be nasty, but not everyone acts on it / has enough consideration & care for other people.

I remember from the first time I experienced EA it took me a couple of years to find my self esteem again. I was only a kid of 19 by the time I got away from him. I can only imagine how much more difficult it would be with DCs. However, maybe you can turn that difficulty into a positive for yourself and build yourself back up for them.... then ultimately building yourself back up for you? They need you, you need them.. he doesn't factor into it anymore. I almost I feel sorry for my recent's girlf because I saw early on (from previous experience) what he was doing. She is in for a hard time.

Yes, I too am wary of single guys in their forties. We just have to hope for the best and pay attention to the alarm bells I guess.