Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't want to be "out there"

(18 Posts)
silverbough77 Wed 12-Oct-16 20:18:39

Last year my relationship broke down and we split. I'm glad to be out of that relationship but not glad to be back on the market and pushing 40!

My honest opinion is that people who are still single now at my age are damaged goods (including me). I can get dates and men are interested in me but they all have major issues with one thing or another.

I feel like out of everyone I know the happy ones with great relationships are the ones who got together and bonded quite young, teens to early 20's and stayed together. Everyone else seems to be going from one relationship to another or toughing it out with some deeply flawed partner.

When I was in my early 20's I was with a great guy who I loved and who was so kind and loving to me but I felt like I was missing out, that there might be someone better for me and that I felt it would be boring to just stay with him as he didn't "challenge" me to grow etc. What utter bullshit that was! I ran in to him a few years ago and the spark was stil there but he is married to someone else and she is the one benefiting from his love and support, it make me sick to think I had thrown that back in his face leaving him devastated at the time.

I feel like at this stage it is better just to give up, I had my chance and I blew it. I just wish I had someone nice I don't want to be out there anymore!

Texfactor Wed 12-Oct-16 20:28:57

I turn 40 next year. Am I damaged goods too?
Sometimes I feel lonely but on the flip side, it's just me, my daughter & our dogs. We do what we want when we want. No relation-shit stuff to tolerate.

Texfactor Wed 12-Oct-16 20:30:59

I know plenty of people who met their lovers age 40+ btw OP. I reckon we're still in with a chance wink

Unrequitedlove Wed 12-Oct-16 20:32:42

I understand what you're saying having being married, divorced and 2 relationships since. I too am pushing 40, however I'd prefer to try to have a positive outlook. I split with my last parter earlier this year and felt devastated but I'm slowly picking up the pieces.. yet again. I haven't lost hope though, perhaps I'm deluded!!
I think at our age love comes with more compromises.. yes we have issues they do.. but it comes down to how compatible you are. The alternative to not 'getting out there' is to remain single of course.. and you could be missing out..

lolo14 Wed 12-Oct-16 20:40:30

I'm 37 and I carry some life experience, it's just about finding someone who suits me, flaws and all

piglover Wed 12-Oct-16 21:10:13

I met the absolute love of my life at 42, so don't despair. I'm 52 now and we still adore each other and any baggage we each have is easy for the other to cope with.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 12-Oct-16 21:52:44

I feel like at this stage it is better just to give up, I had my chance and I blew it. I just wish I had someone nice I don't want to be out there anymore!

I don't think you 'blew' anything. One's life is what it is. But I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to be 'out there' either. I wouldn't consider the decision not to date to be 'giving up', either. It's a choice you are entitled to make.

Two of my friends (one in her 40s, the other in her 50s) have separately made the decision to stop dating or looking for a partner after bad marriages and some bad relationships. They both feel that their lives are full and happy with friends and family. They both have things they enjoy doing for fun and fulfillment. There is no law that says everyone must be 'coupled up' to be happy, no matter what society may tell us. I'm happily married, but I know for a fact that if something (God forbid) were to happen and I were to be single again, I'd happily chew glass before I'd put myself 'on the market'.

LIttleTripToHeaven Wed 12-Oct-16 22:44:49

I completely get it, silverbough.

I'm 41. I separated from my husband when I was 37. I've had two short relationships since (11 months and 5 months). One of them had issues that made him incompatible for a long term relationship and the other wanted someone younger than me, despite him already being older than me.

I don't consider myself to be 'on the market'. I've never been loved and don't expect to be now. It makes me very sad, but I don't want the sort of man who'd be interested in me.

Don't look back on your past relationship with regret. You ended it because you needed to. You made the decision that was right for you at the time. The fact that you can look back now and think you should have made a different choice is irrelevant. You have no idea what might have happened if you'd stayed with him.

LesisMiserable Thu 13-Oct-16 00:37:31

So younger people aren't flawed? I'm just gone 45 and been with the partner for two years. Before that I was with my previous partner for 4 years. I dearly wanted that to last as it is was the first relationship I had had since splitting from my husband - I never wanted my DD to see me in a succession of relationships. I was with DD's dad for 9 years before that (married 4) before that I had a four year relationship in my 20's and a couple of one year ones. I can HONESTLY say, that the relationship I am in now is the best one I've ever had, ever. I think the positives about having life experiences (good and bad) is that you're very clear what you want - and if you meet someone who wants the same who also makes you smile, who you fancy, who makes your day better then you have the jackpot, whatever your ages may be.

It is far from all over in your 40's in fact I'd say it's probably a better time to meet your true other half than any other - because perhaps by this age you're being your real authentic self at last.

TheNaze73 Thu 13-Oct-16 07:01:33

I do get your point to a degree. You're going to have to accept that all potential partners in their late 30's & above who've come out of LTR & marriages will have baggage.

ShatnersWig Thu 13-Oct-16 08:39:43

Never quite sure what "damaged goods" or "baggage" means, or that "all potential partners in their late 30s and above who've come out of LTR and marriages will have baggage".

I'm 42 and have been single six and a half years after a 10-year LTR broke down. I don't see my ex regularly but when I do, we are very amicable. I have no children or health issues at present, no mad exes who I slag off,. I work, have my own flat, a car. I have some hobbies but still plenty of time for a partner should I be lucky enough to find one (no luck so far).

What part of me is "damaged" and what "baggage" do I have? Genuine question.

Joysmum Thu 13-Oct-16 08:44:42

I've been with my DH for 23 years. Im most certainly 'damaged goods'. I don't know anyone who doesn't come with baggage, whether they are currently in a relationship or not.

Blobby10 Thu 13-Oct-16 10:51:03

I feel similar to OP - at 47 and after 22 years with the same man I feel too old and decrepit to attract anyone else. And am not sure if I even want to be in another relationship - all the single men I know do indeed have 'issues'!!

Not sure I can be bothered to go through the hassle of dating and sexing and stuff just to feel a pair of arms around me again.

HellonHeels Thu 13-Oct-16 12:20:29

I had boyfriends at university who had baggage or could be described as 'damaged goods'. I was the same, due to upbringing and various stuff from childhood. They're not necessarily a product of age.

Incidentally at 48 I met my boyfriend who's a year older. We're very happy together. We met through a shared interest, I was not looking for a partner.

citybumpkin Thu 13-Oct-16 22:05:03

It isn't damage. Its called experience.

BlueFolly Thu 13-Oct-16 23:45:22

I'm 45, I'm not 'damaged goods' and I think that's a pretty weird way to think about yourself. If I were you I would definitely avoid dating right now as you're likely to attract the wrong sort whilst you have such a poor self image.

PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease Fri 14-Oct-16 07:57:43

I am 37 and definitely not damaged goods 😃

I had the "settling down in 20's" with a relationship that was perfect at the time - which was why I went on to marry and have DC with him. We both changed though and were completely incompatible by the time we separated .

I am enjoying dating and have met lovely men with similar 'baggage' (if you mean ex-wife's & DC). But, I feel good about myself these days - much more confident about who I am and even about how I look than I was in my 20's - and maybe that makes the difference. I haven't wanted to pursue things with anyone I've met so far but they have been lovely, attractive men who provably make very good partners, just not for me at this time.

Have you thought about counselling? I saw a psychotherapist in the year before I split up with DH & I think that did the world of good.

Good luck.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 14-Oct-16 08:33:09

I disagree with you that you ought to have settled down with the man you knew in your 20's. Something was telling you that you weren't right together. Right man, wrong time. You might have risked it, could been happy but equally the whole thing could have become messy and miserable.

My thinking is we all have baggage of some sort; we inherited some from our parents and carers and the rest evolved over time. It doesn't need to be dragging us down though. It might even be a buoyancy aid. "Damaged goods", now that does sound Victorian.

Present day and your last relationship didn't work out - some people think a poor relationship is better than none, which must be soul destroying. You got out. Now you can make a fresh start.

40 is no barrier to meeting someone you like who appreciates you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now