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Hate my body after 2nd child but DH can't understand it

(14 Posts)
Pagetta Wed 12-Oct-16 07:41:19

So DS1 is nearly 4, after that pregnancy I had a stone to lose - it took around 10 months. It wasn't just the weight loss though, I also got back to fitness and last year ran PBs in 10km, 10mile and half marathons.

Fast forward to now and DS2 is 4 months. I've got a stone to lose again and am back at gym and running - but I am really really struggling to come to terms with my body this time. It feels like the entirety of that weight is on my belly and it really repulses me.

I feel like it's my own fault for indulging in so much fatty food when pregnant too.

Getting to the gym or running is SO hard with 2, and DS2 is not a great sleeper so I'm bloody exhausted as well.DH is really supportive but his job has him away a lot so there's only limited time for me to do phys!
I signed up for a 10mile run in Nov to give me a target but I don't think I'm going to be able to do it, which upsets me too. It's not just the weight it's feeling so unfit and heavy that I hate.

Problem is that this is affecting our marriage. DH can't understand why if he finds me sexy it matters about the baby weight. He can't understand why I feel so low when he still fancies me.

Sex (or lack thereof) is fast becoming an issue now and it's affecting our intimacy.
He told me he hates that I am never naked in front of him now, I cover up after showers etc.

Basically just need some advice on coming to terms with my figure and accepting that it's going to take time to change it.

But also how to explain to DH better why I feel low even though he still fancies me.

I don't know why I'm so impatient this time round but it's driving me bonkers :-/

FurryGiraffe Wed 12-Oct-16 08:01:51

Are you me?ho

DS2 is nearly 5 months and I'm so much more bothered by my body this time. My stomach is revolting. It's not just the fat (though there's plenty of that!) it's the saggy stretch marked wrinkly skin. I am losing weight pretty quickly but stomach looks dreadful. DH is blind to it. I'm really struggling to find time to exercise with 2. It doesn't help that I can't leave DS2 in the evenings because if he wakes after bedtime he screams the house down unless mummy appears.

No advice I'm afraid but much solidarity.

Dilligaf81 Wed 12-Oct-16 08:11:39

I'm further on in what could be the same story.
After dc4 I had a few stone to loose. Had DC I'm end of July enter race Nov (was it Gsr you entered op?)
I didn't do the race and just started walking and cycling with dd (had a bike trailer that you can put a baby in) and fitted exercise into my day rather than specifically going for a run or cycle I'd take the bike on the school run or to the shop.
My dh likes me rounder than I like but you know one day it just clicked when I saw him looking at me after I got out of the shower before grabbing a towel.... Even if I got to my 'ideal' weight I'd never have that look in my eyes about myself that he did in that moment, I suppose I believed him that he found me attractive and it helped a lot.
I lost the weight and run marathons again but your body needs time and lose of fitness is just a crapper after the hard work building up to it.
You'll get there but focus on the smaller gains each step of the way xx

Joysmum Wed 12-Oct-16 08:17:45

I feel sorry for you that your self esteem is so wrapped up in body image. You're the only one judging yourself so harshly and that's what is affecting your marriage and intimacy issues.

Can't you see what your he loves you and that this love is shallowly based on your body?

He probably can understand you're not happy with the changes to your body but struggles with the degree of importance you are placing on that at the expense of remembering what a fantastic person you are flowers

Madlizzy Wed 12-Oct-16 08:17:50

I think you need to be a lot easier on yourself. 4 months is nothing. That body of yours has done something miraculous and the changes in your body are your badge of honour. Yes , make small changes if you want to, but remember that it took 9 months to grow that baby, give yourself at least that and listen to your lovely husband.

Joysmum Wed 12-Oct-16 08:32:56

* is NOT shallowly based on your body

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime Wed 12-Oct-16 10:12:44

I thought that, as long as you continue to diet and exercise it will go back, my tummy is board flat now but you would never have thought it after my second. It will take time, maybe a year.

Salmiak Wed 12-Oct-16 10:36:09

My first child wrecked my stomach. Dd was huge and I was all bump. My stomach couldn't cope with that much growth in such a short amount of time and I ended up with stretch marks, diastasis recti (my stomach muscles have split from each other) and a truly disgusting and disfiguring overhanging flap of skin that I have to tuck into my trousers. Only surgery will fix these issues.

My second pregnancy expanded my ass.

I hate my figure, and when I look in the mirror I automatically focus in on all the flaws (faded stretch marks, saggy boobs, a disaster of a stomach).

However dh still finds me attractive, but it has taken me years to start to feel comfortable in my new skin. I'm still partially convinced that dh is only being kind when he says it honestly doesn't even register with him, but about a year ago when we chatting about it he said that whilst I look at my body finding things to criticise he doesn't see these things as they are not as bad in real life as they are in my mind, and he also pointed out that he too has aged slightly over the past 10 years and would be devastated if I suddenly decided that his wrinkles and slightly receding hairline were enough to end our relationship.

It's difficult to be positive about my body, but I desperately want dd and ds to grow up without making them aware of my negative body issues - they don't love me any less because of my stomach, and in fact it is a small price to pay for having 2 such wonderful little people in my life.

If dh doesn't care, if my dc don't care then why should I care so much. Acceptance of my changed figure is a work in progress but I'm gradually changing my mind set and feeling more attractive.

Trinpy Wed 12-Oct-16 10:56:40

I think it's probably quite hard to understand if you haven't experienced having your whole body change completely within the space of a few months - which most men won't have. It's also very different when it's not your own body that's changed.

I agree with pp that it's early days still - you can't expect your body to look the same as it did pre pregnancy just 4 months pp. It may never look exactly the same but as time goes on you will probably feel more comfortable with it.

My Dh didn't get it at all after dc1 but I've explained how everything's changed so quickly for me and I need time to adjust. I also reminded him of how much he freaks out when he puts on a tiny bit of imaginary weight around his hips.

Thefitfatty Wed 12-Oct-16 11:08:00

For me, what's kind of helped, is accepting that I never will get my pre-baby body back. I have diastasis recti now, stretch marks, my hips are wider, my boobs are bigger. That slim, flawless body is gone. But I'm really learning to appreciate what's replaced it. I'm fitter now than I was before, curvier, healthier, happier. My DH loves what he sees, why shouldn't I?

Nigglenaggle Wed 12-Oct-16 11:30:31

The thing is at 4mths, you are very much still at the beck and call of the baby.When you are also knackered and feeling fat & unhealthy it's not surprising that you don't feel like being intimate with DH, and the requests can end up feeling like more demands on your body (This is how I feel anyway!). Even if they are chipping in 50:50, men don't seem to get this. Exercise can be a great force for feeling positive, and it sounds like it's normally a big part of your life, so it's not surprising that not being able to do as much as you would like is making you feel pants. There's not much to do unfortunately at this stage other than hang on in there! You are almost over the worst of it, and you will get time to get yourself back on track and healthy again. Just be kind to yourself in the meantime! Your DH is maybe trying to make you feel better eh and just missing the mark a bit? Is it possible for someone to take the kids for the night so you can spend some time just with him and talk properly without interruption? (I don't mean for sex - go out for dinner) and you can try and explain how you feel. Sleep deprivation is also a big factor in feeling craspy! A proper nights sleep will make it all seem more manageable flowers

Nigglenaggle Wed 12-Oct-16 11:36:25

Is your eldest in school or nursery? If so there may be some local parents groups who exercise that you can go to with the baby. It will be at best yoga or a brisk walk so not quite what you are looking for but better than nothing.
And as for being more impatient second time round i think thats normal too- they take up more time when there are more of them, and inevitably the physical decay is worse too!

MatildaTheCat Wed 12-Oct-16 12:22:34

You need to Slow Down. Four months is nothing. Your body has changed for sure but you will be able to regain your fitness and figure in time. You say it took 10 months last time but this is only 4? You are tired so need food for fuel. You need more rest than average to cope with the constant demands on you. You do NOT need a lot of self inflicted pressure to run half a marathon and 'snap back into shape' as the magazines so cringeworthily put it.

Set yourself much smaller goals. Speedy walks with the pram, healthy eating, Pilates to strengthen your core. Try to look for positives in your body and to focus on your achievements rather than a few pounds.

Finally, sex after baby number 2 takes a new, lower place on the priority list. Pretty much last for most people so try not to use that as another way to beat yourself up.

TimetohittheroadJack Wed 12-Oct-16 12:42:44

Imagine your husband had, 4 months ago had an accident or illness that resulted in him gaining a stone. Would you stop fancying him? Would you think he was repulsive? Or would you still love him, recognise he wasn't happy and try to be supportive (and still shag him).

If your friend was telling you she was replused by her body four months after having a baby, would you agree with her?

Be kind to yourself. You have a lot on your plate at the moment with a baby and a toddler . Go to the gym, get fitter, eat well - but don't saddle yourself with this hatred of your body.

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