Dh has been caring for mil since fil died around 10 years ago. At first, it consisted of visiting her and doing diy etc. She then became too frail to live in the house, so he moved her to our area and she was set up in a ground floor flat.
He continued to care for her - shopping, cleaning, medicines, GP visits, phonecalls, diy etc. He visited most days. He did a really good job of supporting her.
Sil lives in another european country and visits several times a year. She is in daily phone contact with mil. She no longer visits at Christmas and we're expected to have mil then.
We have had to limit things over the years due to caring for mil. Holidays, Christmas, moving to another part of the country etc. Dh's responsibilities are never far from our minds and he is effectively 'on call' 24/7. When we did go on a break, she kept contacting dh and we ended up arguing.
Mil had a fall and has now had to go into a care home. She is very elderly and frail. This appears to have triggered some sort of change in dh. I suspect it is driven by guilt He no longer appears to be able to cope with visiting her and doesn't want to take her out anywhere. He seems to have run out of steam and is very anxious about the situation. He doesn't cope at all well with having constant demands put on him. He obviously has some mental health difficulties, but doesn't want any treatment.
Sil is becoming increasingly frustrated with Dh's lack of motivation. He visits between 1-2 times a week. Sometimes it takes him a couple of days to psych himself up to go, then, when he arrives home, he is withdrawn and exhausted. I can see the strain it's putting on him and don't know what to do.
Mil has severe anxiety and possible ocd. This has never been treated in the past, but she is now on some medication. She regards dh as a carer and has a different relationship with him compared to his sister. Visiting mil is quite draining and tense. She doesn't like being in the care home, but she can hardly walk and becomes confused, so she needs to be there for her own safety. I find her to be quite needy and clingy and I find it stressful to visit. Being autistic, I find being in the company of others very draining in itself. I go to work and look after the house and dcs and that's about it.
Our home situation is that I have aspergers, as does ds2. Ds1 is under CAMHS for a severe phobia and has had behavioural difficulties in the past. We've had an exhausting time raising him, but he's doing okay now. Ds2 gets bullied at school and is on antidepressants (he's only 11). We have no friends or relatives or any kind of support. Dh is an introvert and has poor energy levels - he may be depressed, I don't know. I have depression and take antidepressants for this problem.
I don't know what to do about this situation. I hate to see dh being so affected by it and his sister doesn't seem to understand. I have explained to her that dh is struggling, but she can't understand why. I'm scared that he makes himself ill with all the worrying. He would really like sil to take mil to live in her country, but don't know if this would be possible. I worry that he's going to have a heart attack or a stroke or something. He also worries about ds2 and gets upset when he's bullied.
I'm scared that a family falling out is on the horizon
Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.
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Relationships
dh not coping with this situation
offtosaturn22 · 12/10/2016 04:14
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