Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is there life after separation?

(20 Posts)
midnightsnacking Tue 11-Oct-16 20:51:26

So last week I find that my 27 year marriage is over. After looking at his phone I find an affair, which is love apparently. It's been going on for 3 weeks? And he's gone. Just like that. I did not see this coming.

TheNaze73 Wed 12-Oct-16 09:44:23

Of course there is.

Old adage but, time is truly the only healer here.

How he can say it's love after 3 weeks is batshit crazy. Sounds like he's lost the plot.

Good luck OP flowers

Mum4Fergus Wed 12-Oct-16 10:04:27

There absolutely is life after separation (17 year relationship in my case) but given the newness of it all you should take a step back and think about the now as opposed to the future...sort out your finances/security and get back on an even keel after your shock...be kind to yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help flowers

Blobby10 Wed 12-Oct-16 10:39:37

I separated from my husband summer 2015 - all amicable, no one else involved, married for 20 years. He told me last weekend that he has been on several dates (since June this year) and is now seeing a new lady. Hes very happy and I honestly am happy for him.

But me? I'm still stuck - I haven't moved on - not because I still feel attached to him but because I feel tied to the house with old pets and teenage children coming back from forces/uni/college at odd times!

Give yourself time to work out who YOU are - dont rush into another relationship - being on your own can be theraputic (you get the whole bottle of wine PLUS the remote grin )

hellsbellsmelons Wed 12-Oct-16 11:35:01

3 weeks!
No, right now you won't think there is life after separation.
After 27 years this is going to take time.
So give yourself that time and look after yourself!
Love after 3 weeks, no way.
It's been going on for longer or it's just infatuation.
Surround yourself with supportive friends and family.
Do you have DC to look after?
It's a truly horrible time.
There is no getting away from it.
Keep your sugar levels up and keep yourself hydrated.
You absolutely WILL get through it but it won't feel like it for quite some time yet.

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 12-Oct-16 11:40:41

There's loads of life after separation. GREAT life, with fun, positivity, new challenges, laughter, friends, sex and even a new man if you want one.

But at this stage, you'll probably be like I was at that stage: looking ahead and just seeing NOTHING. A void. Nothingness ahead, as far as the eye can see.

It takes a while. But the sun comes out again and in many ways it's brighter than before, when it shines solely on YOU.

I got my cousin to move in with me. Best thing I ever did. Female companionship, positivity, chats, fun... I still miss it. smile

midnightsnacking Sat 15-Oct-16 20:36:32

Thank you for kind words. I'm finally eating, sleeping thanks to pills but feeling like the biggest fool confused

Notagainmun Sat 15-Oct-16 21:32:14

Sounds to me that he is the fool flowers

midnightsnacking Tue 18-Oct-16 03:48:02

O god. Why won't this pain ever go away? I'm left to deal with traumatised children, the house, the dogs. And he looks on dispassionate. I've been lonely so much in my marriage, desperate for his love and attention. The inevitability of this is so sad. As he became more successful, his disregard for us increased. I feel I have wasted so long on someone who always felt a little more important than us. Sorry. Nighttime ramblings

faffalotty Tue 18-Oct-16 07:24:57

OP so sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm 4 months along and things do get easier, although it's still a rollercoaster.

The early days are the worst I've ever experienced. Please be kind to yourself and try to rest and keep eating and drinking. If you've got real life support use it. If not, use MN. You're experiencing grief and it shouldn't be underestimated.

hermione2016 Tue 18-Oct-16 07:53:03

You are grieving for the marriage which is so natural.It takes time to start to feel better, I am about 6 weeks in and manage a few days without tears and some days I feel much stronger.

If he detached from your marriage (making you feel less important) then he likely to be a man not capable of real love.This new relationship will be the same and by the time it starts to implode your healing will be complete.He however will be left with a shell if a life.

You will be happier in the future, trust that these awful feelings will pass.

rockabillyruby82 Tue 18-Oct-16 08:33:40

Yes, it gets easier. One year on here. Those first days, weeks and months are horrid. One day you will wake up and not think about what he did, you won't have those questions and scenarios that intrude your thoughts, you'll just be OK. Until then look after yourself, try to avoid confrontations with him, go NC if you can. I wrote alot and found that helped, I also had great support. Sorry this has happened to you

Forme2016 Tue 18-Oct-16 12:55:00

Just to reiterate what PP have said - it definitely gets better. I'm 5 months down the line and as Rockabilly said - it's no longer the first thing I think of when I wake up.

NC where possible is the best way, I found, but with children and dogs it's not easy. Heartbreaking but in the end I told him to take the dogs as I couldn't stand daily contact over who was walking them. If your children are old enough can they make their own arrangements with him?

I also wrote things down, and that has helped now that I am feeling better. Not that I really want to remember how bad I felt but if I have a wobble about missing him I read what I wrote at 3, 6 or 12 weeks and it reminds me that I am better off without him.

Sorry that you're going through this, you'll get support here whenever you need it, and it WILL get better.

madamehooch Tue 18-Oct-16 16:13:18

I would recommend going on 'That Sunday Feeling' thread. We're all posters who have been abandoned by our partners after 20 year plus relationships. You'll find so much support on there as we're just there for each other during the bad times x

midnightsnacking Tue 18-Oct-16 23:56:09

Thank you all. It now turns out he has a new family lined up. A carbon copy of ours only ten years younger. I don't feel such a fool any more. It's him.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 19-Oct-16 08:35:18

Men more often than not, do have a family already lined up.
You were never a fool. It was always him as we have all already outlined.
I hope it helps to give you some sort of 'closure' so you can now move on.
Good luck to him starting again with younger kids!
Keep looking after yourself.

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 24-Oct-16 09:38:12

It's probably really good that he's left. You'll have been tip-toeing around his moods, his ego, his dissatisfaction, his highs and lows, his empty heart for as long as you've been together... And that HURTS.

Now you are free. You have certainty now, not the agony of wondering whether or not you were enough for him. You have certainty, you have a foundation of truth and facts -- finally -- that you can build on.

Every day you are not living with him anymore is a step towards the light.

Diamogs Mon 24-Oct-16 09:50:18

I was where you were this time last year.

As a PP has said, time is a great healer.

STBXH left after 25 years together to be with his first love, leaving me to deal with the fallout of two very distressed children (with ASD so struggled to cope with emotions / understand motivation).

A year on they are much happier, very settled and doing well. I have met a lovely man who is kind and respectful and supportive and all the things that XH was not...meanwhile his relationship didn't get off the ground and he is left on his own apart from a sweet little stray cat that he has taken in. We have an amicable relationship now - a year ago I wanted to throttle him for the damage that he had done, now the only emotion that I feel for him is pity.

OP you will get through this and life will be so much better.

midnightsnacking Mon 24-Oct-16 17:51:55

Thank you all. Yesterday he took her on holiday and that hurt. Today I just feel sad, not anxious or angry. I know there is a new life for me. And yes not treading on eggshells is v liberating xxx

ImperialBlether Mon 24-Oct-16 17:58:01

How awful for you. Were you happy before this? Have you seen a solicitor?

flowers for you. It hits you like a ton of bricks, doesn't it?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now