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Partner and money

(35 Posts)
Bubbles201616 Tue 11-Oct-16 20:40:25

Living with my partner for over a year. Should he tell me how much maintenance he pays his Exs for his kids?

SleepingTiger Tue 11-Oct-16 20:54:16

Depends on what basis you are living together.

Have you made some sort of financial commitment together? Or has he proposed marriage? If so, then he should disclose.

Otherwise, take it as it comes. What do you think he owes you?

Desmondo2016 Tue 11-Oct-16 21:06:21

Interesting one. I guess if the household budget is tight then yes, after a year I think the maintenance should be known in order to be considered part of the overall pot so to speak. If money is no issue and you just want to know out of interest then no, not necessarily as it's totally irrelevant . Having said that, however, it would concern me why is even needed to be a secret if you are in a committed relationship.

Desmondo2016 Tue 11-Oct-16 21:07:19

Actually thinking about it, only my last sentence in my prev post is necessary!

Bubbles201616 Tue 11-Oct-16 21:12:17

We are engaged and are suppose to getting married next year. - which we are suppose to be saving for.

I have my money and he has his

We have a child together under a year old

It's not I'm being nosey but I feel as we have been living together for a while it shouldn't be a secret and maybe something we can openly talk about?

Bubbles201616 Tue 11-Oct-16 21:17:02

Just after xmas last year after getting into a argument I found out he stopped paying it as he couldn't afford it. So I put the wedding saving on hold. I recently find out just last month that he's been paying it since March and never said anything.

I was under the conclusion we were unable to pay our wedding instalments as he told me he wasn't able to pay his ex.

He never said he started back up paying again. Is this right or wrong?

Livelovebehappy Tue 11-Oct-16 21:22:37

Not sure why you would need to know to be honest. If you both have your own money and accounts, and disposable income matched to allocate joint household bills etc, I can't see why it should be an issue? Call me a cynic, but the only reason usually for new partners wanting to know this is so that they can interfere and challenge the amount being paid out for his other family.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Tue 11-Oct-16 21:25:03

Either he is paying her over the required amount and doesn't want you to know
Or he is tight and wants to keep his money for him to spend as he wants?
He should be taking your baby /home /wedding fund into account - but def not as a priority over providing for his older child.

Bubbles201616 Tue 11-Oct-16 21:26:30

Just want to add he doesn't pay towards anything in house

Hardly buys anything for his daughter

Bubbles201616 Tue 11-Oct-16 21:29:16

One of the children isn't even his and pays the ex direct

The one that is his gets done through csa

HeddaGarbled Tue 11-Oct-16 21:44:35

He should absolutely not have stopped paying for his children and well done for reigning in the wedding saving at that point.

It's right that he has restarted paying. By the way, he is paying for his children, not paying his ex (exes? Not sure if that's a typo and there is only one or more than one).

It is worrying that he kept this secret from you. Have you any idea why? Do you think he was worried that you would be annoyed? You need to make it clear to him that you understand and support his obligation to his children and that your wedding takes second place to that and that you would prefer him to be honest and open so that you can make sensible and fair financial plans together.

tissuesosoft Tue 11-Oct-16 21:53:57

Why is he paying for a child that isn't his? Sounds abit odd to me that he won't share the finances if it's having an impact on your future plans and your DC you have together.

daryldixonishot Tue 11-Oct-16 22:14:10

If I were you I would put the wedding plans on hold!
Why isn't he paying towards the house he's living in?

ImperialBlether Tue 11-Oct-16 22:16:42

So he's a cocklodger in your house and doesn't always pay maintenance, when he has all his salary to pay with? And you're thinking of marrying him?

Are you mad?

category12 Tue 11-Oct-16 22:18:07

So he stopped paying child support allegedly to save for the wedding. Which you quite rightly put a stop to.

And then he restarted paying child support without telling you, but isn't paying wedding instalments.

Hmm, question is, where is all his money going if he doesn't contribute to your household together, is unreliable with child support for his kids, and isn't saving toward the wedding?

Think you've picked a dodgy one here.

AyeAmarok Tue 11-Oct-16 22:19:37

Paying the child maintenance has to he his first priority, before his house and any wedding fund.

What is it that you want to discuss about it? It needs paid, he shouldn't be looking to reduce it.

Cabrinha Wed 12-Oct-16 00:14:11

He's already got two different lots of CM to pay?
And he now has a child with you too?
Let me guess, you two didn't wait very long before having this child, did you?
He doesn't pay towards the home he lives in, or his daughter with you, sometimes doesn't bother paying for his other kids, lies to you about when he is paying, and won't share the CM maintenance with you.

Why on earth are you saving to marry him?

You should be saving for when it's your turn to get shafted on CM payments hmm

Sorry lovey - you've not got a good one here sad

Creampastry Wed 12-Oct-16 06:49:28

I would just kick him out. Why isn't he paying towards the house?!

Humblebee1 Wed 12-Oct-16 06:57:07

I hope you're not begrudging his kids maintenance. Just remember his kids were there before you. Was he still with his ex when he met you? Were you ow?

HuckfromScandal Wed 12-Oct-16 07:01:35

Are you mad??
So he already shows who he is, by stopping paying for his kids.
He doesn't contribute fairly in your relationship and you want to marry him!!!?

category12 Wed 12-Oct-16 07:19:48

What I would want is, someone who considers paying to support his dc as a first priority while contributing fairly to the household he lives in and who, if keen to marry, saves for it. He wouldn't get to live bill-free at my expense and he wouldn't get to pick and choose when he pays child support - and crucially, he would have enough integrity not to want to.

SandyY2K Wed 12-Oct-16 07:43:04

Just want to add he doesn't pay towards anything in house

Hardly buys anything for his daughter.

Why are you marrying him? He doesn't sound like a catch at all.

These are the warning signs/red flags right before you.

HermioneJeanGranger Wed 12-Oct-16 07:55:57

Run. He sounds awful - and if he's willing to stop maintenance for his kids, he'll do the same to your DD one day.

bloodyteenagers Wed 12-Oct-16 08:16:39

Why would you want to marry this cock lodger? He contributes nothing to the house, hardly anything towards his daughter and his other child when he can be bothered.
Have some self respect and realize you are much more worthy than this man person.

Cabrinha Wed 12-Oct-16 10:11:06

Humblebee there is no suggestion that OP begrudges the maintenance!
When this sorry excuse for a man claimed he couldn't afford to pay it hmm she stopped them saving for their wedding so that he could!
It's not the OP at fault here.

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